The Gospel According To T
Ever since his cartoon series in the mid Eighties Mr T has championed the cause of The Kids. Coming from a rough background himself, he felt that he had to use his position as a popular jewellery-clad, mohicaned "baaadass" to help his semi-formed fans be all they could be. He did this by kicking seven bells out of The Bad Guys and the drug dealers during the show, and at the end telling the kids to "stay in school" and "don't do drugs". However, since the axing of both his cartoon and The A-Team, coupled with the fact that his film career took a severe nose-dive after Rocky III, he's been struggling to find a platform from which to dispense his excellent, worthy advice. Somehow he found Digi, and after helping out Morse & Lewis, he's found his stage once more and has picked up right where he left off:
"Hello, boys and girls. Mr T here again with some more cool safety advice on how to use scissors:
* Don't run with scissors
* Ask a grown-up to help
* Don't EVER use MY scissors"
"Follow the Mr T code when playing with fireworks:
* Ensure parental supervision
* Keep at least 25ft away
* Never put fireworks in your pocket
* DON'T throw fireworks at MR T"
"Snow and ice can be lots of fun, but there are hidden dangers:
* Don't eat the yellow snow
* Don't throw snow at kids' eyes
* Don't play on frozen lakes
* Don't EVER make fun of Mr T AGAIN"
"Study hard and you'll go far. Here's Mr T's guide to revision:
* Don't work too hard
* Don't get too stressed
* Don't forget to get lots of sleep
* DON'T play near my BINS"
"Going swimming? Follow the Mr T code of conduct:
* Don't run
* Don't drown other kids
* Don't wear gang colours
* Don't act the fool
* DON'T SPLASH MR T"
"Your body is a great thing to waste. Keep fit the Mr T way:
* Kick boxing
* Other types of boxing
* Appearing in Rocky films"
"Cookery isn't just for girls - boys can get a kick out of making cakes too. But remember:
* Always get an adult to help
* Be careful with knives
* Don't eat poisoned food
* DON'T make a MESS of Mr T's KITCHEN"
"There are lots of fun places you can visit, such as museums and zoos, but stay away from these places:
* Opium dens
* Rough-looking bars
* Mr T's bins and garage"
"This summer I'm planning to have an extension fitted on the back of my house. If you're ever near a building site remember:
* Don't climb the scaffolding
* Don't provoke the builders
* Don't steal anything
* DON'T put STUFF in Mr T's SKIP"
"Everyone enjoys watching TV, but remember these important rules:
* Don't watch too much TV
* Don't break the TV
* Don't watch after the 9pm watershed
*DON'T change the CHANNEL when Mr T is WATCHING Drop The Dead DONKEY"
"Old people get intimidated when they see you kids hanging around outside their sheltered housing. Try these alternative hang-outs:
* The library
* After-school clubs
* Anywhere, basically, as far away as possible from my bins and garage."
"Remember to take care when fishing near a riverbank, kids:
* Don't fish near strong currents.
* Don't eat the raw fish.
* DON'T steal Mr T's BAIT."
"Alcohol may look like fun, kids, but it isn't. Just remember:
* It rots the liver
* It makes you drunk
* It STAYS in Mr T's drinks CABINET."
"Clothing can say a lot about a person, so always watch what you wear. Just remember:
* Don't wear offensive T-shirts
* Don't show too much skin
* Don't BORROW Mr T's sleeveless DENIM jerkin WITHOUT asking."
"Hey, kids. When going on a long car journey, remember the rules:
* DON'T annoy mom and dad.
* DO take car-sickness tablets.
* DON'T throw THINGS into Mr T's VAN if he HAPPENS to drive PAST."
"When choosing your further education, consider the following advice:
* Think about what you're good at.
* Think about what job you want.
* DON'T think about FILLING Mr T's front garden with traffic cones, JUST because it's STUDENT rag week."
"When visiting the cinema, always respect the other patrons:
* Don't switch on your mobile phone.
* Don't talk during the picture.
* Don't make smelly noises.
* DON'T go letting BALLOONS off UNDER Mr T's SEAT."
"You know, everyone has feelings:
* Take time to compliment friends.
* Respect other people's wishes.
* Remember that when Mr T says: 'KEEP AWAY FROM MY BINS' - he really means it this time."
"Kids, thinking of holding your own garage sale? Follow Mr T's guide:
* Don't sell anything illegal
* Treat customers with respect
* DON'T root around BEFOREHAND in MY bins LOOKING for MY JUNK to sell."
"Happy New Year to boys and girls around the world! Here are Mr T's suggested resolutions:
* Treat old folks with respect.
* Maintain a healthy diet.
* Keep your SORRY butt OUT of my BINS."
"Here are my hopes for the coming century:
* An end to world hunger.
* An end to war and aggression.
* An end to those KIDS from off the ESTATE putting dog DIRT up the exhaust of Mr T's VAN."
"Here are my suggestions for how we can all get along in 2000:
* Abolish nuclear weapons.
* A single global government.
* Parents of those kids off the ESTATE stop coming OVER to have a go at Mr T for YELLING at their brats."
"What will life be like in the 21st Century? Here's my view:
* Flying cars.
* Computer-controlled houses.
* Dustmen come INTO your GARDEN to collect your BINS so you DON'T have to leave them OUT where kids can use them as GOALS and kick them OVER."
"Follow a strict exercise regime to keep yourself fit for Y2K:
* Walk - not drive - to work/school.
* Work out with weights and sit-ups.
* Keep fatty foods to a minimum.
* Claiming you are KEEPING fit by LEAP-FROGGING Mr T's BINS is not an acceptable exercise regime."
"Christmas can be a stressful time of year, but follow the Mr T guide to getting it right and keeping your cool:
* Instead of fussing over a turkey, why not try an easy-cook alternative, such as bread, lollies, microwave dinners, or Pot Noodles?
* Stuck for a gift to give the person who has everything? Infect them with a rare tropical disease! They'll be sure to appreciate the conversational options it gives them.
* Stuck for a fun party game to play? Why not try "Confuse Your Grandparents" - a game the whole family can enjoy. Just take it in turns to spin around, while barking, without informing elderly relatives why! Ever.
* Upset by the dull selection of presents you received? Express your disappointment by crushing the gifts in front of your family."
"When skiing in, or around, the city of Prague, remember:
* DO NOT drive at ONCOMING cars.
* DO maintain THE condition of SKIS.
* DO NOT make MR T eat DIRTY snow."
"Here's some advice for mothers:
* ALWAYS keep your young CHILD within SIGHT.
* WATCH your CHILD's WEIGHT.
* If your CHILD is SPITTING at MR T, ENSURE that you tell it TO stop."
"When at the seaside, remember:
* OBSERVE sea swimming FLAGS.
* Do not sunbathe FOR too LONG.
* DO NOT RUB sand in MR T's head."
Mr T's Problem Page
MR T SAYS: "You need to teach your HUSBAND a lesson by pushing HIM down a drain, and then PUTTING cellophane over the DRAIN so he can't GET out."
MR T SAYS: "You need to look on the positive side. The world will always need dockers... so long as you DON'T all start COMING round my STREET and shouting STUFF and BEING drunk."
MR T SAYS: "Do what your heart tells you to do, Gideon. But be warned - if you ever see Mr T on one of your flights, DON'T try to OPEN his hand LUGGAGE."
MR T SAYS: "Talk it through with your parents, and reassure them. However, if you ever ACHIEVE your ambition, and PUT on a SHOW at the THEATRE, and see Mr T in the CROWD, don't START spitting at him, and TROWING CURSES."
MR T SAYS: "Well done for putting the planet before yourself, Micky. However, if you decide to use a bicycle instead, don't even think about chaining it to Mr T's fence."
MR T SAYS: "I don't know much about submarines, Commander, but if Mr T ever finds you GOING through his bins AT ANY TIME, Mr T will be out HIS backdoor and ON you in a SECOND with a WRENCH."
MR T SAYS: "Your husband is being selfish by putting his trains first. However, rest assured that if I EVER catch him OUTSIDE my HOUSE, about to THROW eggs AT my WINDOW, he's done FOR."
MR T SAYS: "You need to find time for each other, maybe over a candlelit dinner. However, I won't be so FORTHCOMING with ADVICE, if I ever CATCH YOU stealing from MY garage."
MR T SAYS: "You've got your whole life ahead of you. It would be a mistake to settle down so soon. Also, if I SEE you and your BOYFRIEND behind my HOUSE, writing on MY BINS with your PENS, I'll smack YOU one. STAY AWAY FROM MY BINS"
MR T SAYS: "It very much depends on the condition of the Soda Stream, Izzy. However, if I EVER come down IN THE middle OF the night, and FIND you in my KITCHEN, using it to CARBONATE my iced tea OR my GAZPACHO, I shan't HESITATE to contact the AUTHORITIES."
MR T SAYS: "Don't worry, Mr Giles - we all have strange dreams. Sometimes I dream that I'm on an aeroplane , and... and it suddenly LOSES power, and I'm THROWN OUT of the WINDOW, and I fall... to EARTH... and... IT ALL GOES BLACK. I AIN'T GETTING ON NO PLANE, GILES.
MR T SAYS: "Here's Mr T's advice, Janine. If I EVER see you, or YOUR dog, behind my HOUSE, using my BINS as a toilet, I can't GUARUNTEE I'll be as LENIENT as your SISTER."
MR T SAYS: "I don't know a great deal about relationships, Jemima, but you BETTER not ever TRY to get into MY lock-up ROUND the back of KWIKSAVE.
MR T SAYS: "Try rationing your money to a set amount every day, and put the rest aside for a rainy day. However, DON'T even think OF spending ANY of your MONEY on ALCOPOPS, and coming down MY street at 2AM singing LEWD songs."
MR T SAYS: "Always have faith in yourself, Felicity. However, DON'T ever THINK about teaching ANY children to PLAY near Mr T's UTILITY shed."
MR T SAYS: "She can only say no, Mr Jelly. Besides, the more time you SPEND with HER, the LESS time you'll HAVE to hang AROUND my BACK gate, looking AS if you're ABOUT to dump SOMETHING illegal in my BINS."
MR T SAYS: "The radiation emmissions from your monitor could harm your eyes, Mr Himmler. Worse still, you could get into a HEAP of TROUBLE if I EVER catch you PUSHING litter and ANIMAL dirt THROUGH my letter box."
MR T SAYS: "Don't feel pressured into doing something you don't want to do. For example, if your FRIENDS are HANGING around outside Mr T's HOUSE, and are ENCOURAGING you to kick over his bins, JUST SAY NO."
MR T SAYS: "It's natural to feel that way when taking on a new challenge, Stu. However, if you're going to WORK for the COUNCIL, you can TELL THEM that they STILL haven't fixed that STREETLIGHT outside Mr T's HOUSE."
MR T SAYS: "Don't let anyone tell you what to like, Leanne. You're your own person, and that's that. However, don't let me LOOK out of my living room WINDOW, and see YOU sitting on my WALL playing your AWFUL music too damn LOUD."
MR T SAYS: "If you do, you may get a reputation as a grass. Sooner or later your friends will get caught. However, if they get DRUNK and rowdy ANYWHERE near Mr T's HOUSE I'll whack THEM one."
MR T SAYS: "Your husband is being selfish, but his selfishness stems from his own insecurity. I've SENT you some LEAFLETS on INSECURITY and GOLF which may HELP your husband's PROBLEM."
MR T SAYS: "Help him look for a new job and restore his self-esteem. In the meantime, I've sent you some leaflets on PARKS and OTHER PLACES."
MR T SAYS: "Perhaps you could buy an outside kennel for the DOG, which the dog IS sure to LOVE. Meanwhile, I've sent you some leaflets on LOVELY GIRLS."
MR T SAYS: "Your accountant may be able to ask the Inland Revenue to give you time to pay. However, every day that ticks by sees the interest rise. I've sent you some pamphlets on SMALL things and DINGOS. Hopefully they should help."
MR T SAYS: "I'm sure he is nice, but don't take needless risks. Arrange to meet in a public place, and bring a friend with you. Take a look at the leaflets I've sent you, dealing with MURDERERS, PSYCHOPATHS and PEOPLE who've been ATTACKED by INTERNET users."
MR T SAYS: "If money isn't the issue, then your wages could be used to employ a maid. In the meantime, read my leaflets on the POSSIBLE pitfalls of SPENDING your WAGES on EXPERIMENTAL BLACK MARKET brain MEDICENES."
MR T SAYS: "Not at all. Why not apply for a government grant for your inventing? In the meantime, take a look at my leaflets explaining how to PROJECT yourself INTO SMALL SPACES."
MR T SAYS: "Prove to the council that Vernon is getting plenty of exercise, and they may change their mind. I've sent you some leaflets explaining how BLOCKS of FLATS are CONSTRUCTED."
MR T SAYS: "It's possible, Mr Orange. Visit your doctor and ask him to test your toxicity levels. In the meantime, take a look at the leaflet I'm sending you: How To BE More ASSERTIVE At THE JUICE Pressing PLANT."
MR T SAYS: "Independent venture capitalist organisations often invest in untried schemes. In the meantime, read my leaflet on PARACHUTE RASH."
MR T SAYS: "Short of putting a lock on your door, there isn't much you can do, so I've sent YOU some LEAFLETS on BECOMING a BLACKSMITH."
MR T SAYS: "Providing you don't escalate your activities to include arson or murder, the caution won't affect your job prospects. In the meantime, I've sent you a leaflet on ack-ack guns."
MR T SAYS: "Nightmares can be triggered from all sorts of stimuli, from strange foods to stress. If your lifestyle has recently changed, that could be the cause. In the meantime, READ my LEAFLET on INSANE medieval KNIGHTS."
MR T SAYS: "None, providing you don't include them in your will. Indicate your beneficiaries clearly, and they won't be entitled to a penny. In the MEANTIME, have a READ of my LEAFLET on genetically ENGINEERED s-hares."
MR T SAYS: "I'm afraid this is a perfect example of why we should all keep up to date with our insurance payments. It's not MUCH consolation, Mrs Y, but have a read of MY leaflet ABOUT skin grafts."
MR T SAYS: "There's a difference between a schoolgirl crush and true love, Lucy. Reading my LEAFLETS on the EARLY 1980s new WAVE of prog ROCK bands, such as It Bites, and IQ, SHOULD help."
MR T SAYS: "Surgery is a long and painful process, and your friends will catch up eventually. Meanwhile, you'd BETTER hope you're NOT that TALL girl I CAUGHT stealing MY apples last WEEK."
MR T SAYS: "Take your boss to one side and explain your situation. Also, if you WORK in the NEASDEN branch of TSB, please stop PHONING ME UP, trying to GET Mr T to take ANOTHER loan."
MR T SAYS: "Treat your husband to a special apology, including all the presents you meant to buy him. However, if you STEAL those PRESENTS out of MR T's BINS, I'll get YOU real GOOD."
MR T SAYS: "Have a friendly word with your both, telling him you're not interested. Also, if I EVER walk PAST where you WORK, and YOU THROW a PORK PIE at ME, I WON'T hesitate to ATTACK."
MR T SAYS: "Get him to speak to a doctor about ostrich allergy innoculations. In the meantime, take a read of my LEAFLETS about OTHER flightless BIRDS, such as BIG BIRD from Sesame Street."
MR T SAYS: "First, examine your pipes for evidence of the watch. Second, tell your husband it was ann accident. Third, if YOU ever DO something LIKE THAT to my WATCH, I'LL FLUSH you away, STUPID."
MR T SAYS: "Your boyfriend is not your boss, but remember that acting is a tough profession. Why not mull it over, while sipping a Mr T Non-Alcoholic, A-Team Cocktail (tm)? They're just £2.99!"
MR T SAYS: "Your parents are within their rights to set whatever curfew they see fit. Also, you can TELL your FRIENDS that if it WAS them ringing my DOORBELL at MIDNIGHT last Tuesday, I'm going TO find them, and smack THEM up."
MR T SAYS: "Ask at your Job Centre about any employment initiatives or schemes. Also, practice your interview technique whenever possible. Finally, don't EVEN think about COMING round my HOUSE, and STEALING from my FRIDGE, you DOSSER."
MR T SAYS: "You need to have a smaller sombrero made to fit your head. Look in the Yellow Pages for a reliable milliner. In the meantime, listen to my advice line, Better Sombrero Wearing."
MR T SAYS: "It varies from case to case. Your doctor will be able to advise you best. However, when your KNEE is fully HEALED, don't get any big IDEAS, about coming round MY house, and kicking my BINS over, at 1am in THE morning."
MR T SAYS: "I don't know anything about that, but I do know that SOMEBODY kicked a FOOTBALL through my PORCH window last NIGHT, and IF I find OUT it was YOU, I'll be TELLING your parents."
"Mr T wants you all to stay in school and do well in your exams. Remember: Skool is Kool"
"Remember, kids: Mr T wants each and every one of you to have lots of fun. But that fun comes at a price, especially if I ever catch any of you near my garage again."
"Mr T doesn't want to sound like a killjoy. There are many, many ways to enjoy yourself without getting into trouble. There are parks and fields where you can kick a ball. If I ever have to come out there once more and tell you kids to stop using my garage and bins as a goal, I'm gonna rip you all a new larynx."
"Mr T has to go away soon, kids. Make sure you keep out of trouble while I'm gone. And stay away from my bins."
"Hey, kids! Mr T here again with some more advice for living a healthy and successful life. Follow my plan and you too can be just like me - Mr T! I'm too cool to be true!"
"Hey, kids! I hope you're all looking forward to your summer vacation. But before then you've got a lot of studying to get done. Mr T didn't get where he is today by skipping class. That game is for saps!"
"Kids, I'm a great music fan. Rap music can be lots of fun, but buy yourself a pair of headphones and that way you can enjoy the music without annoying anyone else. Specifically Mr T."
"Hello, kids. Mr T here again with some more advice to keep you healthy, wealthy and wise. Don't be no fool: just act cool!"
After a request for a REVEAL-O of his bins: "Sorry, kids, but I won't permit the release of such information. If you know what my bins look like, it'd be like moths to a flame. I've got enough trouble already with those damn kids from the estate."
"Hello! Mr T would love to stick around, but it looks like some kids are thinking about playing street soccer near my bins, and I pity the fool who plays soccer near my bins, and knocks them over again."
MR T: "Remember, kids - the kitchen is a great place to... Oh, man... it's Murdoch..."
MURDOCH: "Hey, Mr T! Whoop-whoop! I want some trash bags!"
MR T: "Murdoch, you crazy damn fool. I told you never to come round here no more."
MURDOCH: "Whoop! Bark! Woof! But I had to, Mr T. The council have evicted me. I'm homeless!"
MR T: "I'm sorry you're homeless, Murdoch, but with the kids hanging round my bins, I have a lot to deal with right now. I don't need no crazy fool living here."
MURDOCH: "Sob! I knew you hated me! Sob!"
MR T: "Tell you what, though, man. I got some suicide pills left over from my days in 'Nam. You can have those!"
MURDOCH: "I love you, Mr T! Woof! Whee!"
You can see more, exclusive, T-speak at Biffo's lovely Digi-inspired site, Bubblegun.com. Love it up good, you tart.
Am I The King Of The Crazy Damn Fools? Did I leave out something so important that you just have to let me know? Well, go on and mail it to me then! Idiot.
Copyright © Chris Bell 1997. All Rights Lovingly Fondled.