They're out there. I know it, you know it, hell - anyone with the sense to read Digi knows it. And we're scared. Yes, Puffy Jackets are slowly taking control of the world, appearing everywhere- it's an infestation, man!
Of course it's not the item of clothing itself that's the threat to national security, but coupled with the host and other puffy accessories they create a hideous creature! Read on and maybe you'll be able to stay out of their way...
Puffy Jackets are extreme social misfits which speak in tongues and wear outrageously stupid clothes. The species was first identified by Digi sometime in early '97. Unfortunately, by that time there were already thousands of them across the country. Brighton, where this site is coming to you from, is a puffy-hot-spot. Can anything be done to curb the puffy menace? These tips will help you to identify Puffy Jackets in your area...
Puffy Jackets congregate in large groups of at least four primarily in and around video arcades. They hang around outside and attempt to play the games within - always driving games and beat 'em up's - nothing else. They can also be found sculking outside any branch of McDonalds during college lunch hours.
The primary piece of clothing of any Puffy Jacket is, of course, the puffy jacket. There are two and only two types: ski jackets and "puffa" jackets. Be wary of each, for if they also display the following features they ARE puff-jak's.
Puffy Jackets are known to wear jeans or combat trousers at least two sizes too large, which they wear slung around their hips and highly baggy. This is coupled with brand training shoes (predominantly Nike), usually white, which they wear extrememly open with the laces untied and dragging about on the floor. This look is enhanced by an optional choice of headgear - either a baseball cap or one of those stupid "gangsta" rap tea cosy/balaclava-type affairs.
Their physical appearance is very similar. They range from the age of 16 to 25 (presumably after which they die) and no matter how old they are they ALL sport a bum-fluff moustache, which is of course because puberty cuts out at the age of 14 in puffy jacket development. Of course they think that this is really "cool, guy!" and so some attempt to grow goatee beards. All are unsuccessful and end up looking even more disturbing.
Occasionally puff-jaks can be seen carrying ruck sacks if they are of college age, but all carry around a mobile phone. It is always turned off because they cannot afford the bills, still living with their parents, but they pretend to speak into it nonetheless. These devices are constantly glued to their ears.
Puffy Jackets have a complete psuedo language, this is a guide to the known phrases. Approach with caution....
"I'll get my man Derek onto you, guy."
"Mind your tone, sir, for I shall enlist the help of my acquaintance Mr. Derek to resolve the matter if you persist in this defirmation of my character."
"Watch the sneaks, man!"
"Be sure to restrain yourself about my person in the vicinity of my footwear, my good man!"
(Into mobile phone) "Aww, guy!"
"Most extrodinary, sir!"
"Do you look at my bird?"
"Sir, you have insulted my honour with your lustful gazing at my good lady's personage!"
"I'll smack you up bad if you look at my bird, guy"
"If you persist in your lecherous persuit of my ladyfriend, I shall have no other recourse but to retaliate in a proactive manner, sir!"
"Get with the vibe, guy!"
"I recommend that you partake in listening to the contemporary sound of 'Kiss FM' "
"Indeed that is correct!"
"Don't dis my Crew, guy!"
"Sir, you have dishonoured both myself and my clan with your disresepctful ways!"
"Good day to you, my good man"
"Nice one, safe, sorted, sweet" etc. etc.
"Well played, sir; a good job; the matter is satisfactorily resolved; most agreeable, sir"
These are the only phrases which the puffys use that resemble English. They say many other things but at this stage they remain indecipherable.
The Puffy Hotline
This is the place where all known puffy sightings will hence forth be archived, in a sort of Doomsday Book of puffiness, in an attempt at defending innocent citizens from their scourge. If you've had a run in with a puffy jacket, if you've seen one and no one else can help - then maybe you should ring: The Puffy Hotline. Knowledge is power, but the puff-jak fools are particularly belligerent and aggressive - watch your back, Arthur...
Area of Puffy-Fallout: Donaghadee, N. Ireland
'I was once confronted by a group of 4 puffies, in a car. My good friend and myself were leaving a late night garage, at about 10:00 pm, when they drove by us. It was our home town, so we looked into the car, in case it was anyone we knew. The car skidded to a stop abruptly, and two people leapt from the car, sporting the afore mentioned puffy style jackets. The driver, obviously the more intelligent of the two, having mastered basic driving skills, (perhaps through a pellet release experiment?) asked "Do you wanna get in, and look out?" My friend, not having heard the 'puffy' properly, approached him, and asked "What?" (By this, meaning, of course, 'excuse me', and not 'do you want a fight?') The puffy repeated the question, and my friend replied "no, no thank you". They then left without a word. It was most confusing.'
- Ian Smith, aka Mung-o
Thus concludes this vital guide to puffy identification. Maybe now armed with this knowledge you will be able to stay out of their way. If you spot a large concentration of puff-jaks in your area then contact either Digi or myself under the Puffy Hotline, do not approach them unless you first use your liver to soak up the Digi strategies: here. That is all. Goodbye.
Copyright © Chris Bell 1997. All Rights Lovingly Fondled.