The Man With A Long Chin's Diary


Puffin Inspector


26 March 1998 - PUFFIN INSPECTOR

I’ve decided to start up a business wherein I am hired for functions to perform as a "Human Puffin". These hilarious feathered creatures have made me laugh for years, and it’s an honour to be given the chance to pay tribute to them in full view of the public.

I appreciate that the puffin impersonator market is an ambitious one, but I’m certain that my impersonation is yards ahead of my nearest rival. Puffins - they really are such marvellous birds!

27 March 1998 - PUFFIN INSPECTOR

I had my first booking as a puffin impersonator last night. Unfortunatly, it was a less than glittering occasion: It was a hen night.

I got up on stage in front of 400 screaming women who yelled at me to do a "Full Puffin". When it became apparent that my routine entailed little more than sitting, motionless, on a fake polystyrene cliff face, they became nasty. Among the things that were thrown at me were four lipsticks, a bag of chips, some love letters addressed to "Keith", and a human head.

28 March 1998 - PUFFIN INSPECTOR

Last night I had a bit of a run-in with Gregory Hunter, a fellow puffin impersonator. We’d been double-booked to appear at a birthday party in a working men’s club.

Hunter thought he had the right to perform first because he was both older and taller than me. I explained that with board games it’s the youngest player who usually gets to go first, and such an informal convention should apply here. Hunter just retorted that his family always let the oldest player go first, and so I was powerless to act.

30 March 1998 - PUFFIN INSPECTOR

I’ve finally had a brush with fame! Last night I passed the audition to be on ITV’s "Puffs In Their Eyes", a talent show exclusively dedicated to people who pretend to be puffins.

At the audition I got to meet Henry Kelly who presents the show. He said I have a lovely beak, and I explained that it was just a painted cup from a Klix machine, He asked if it had ever had anything in it, and I said that I had a drink of vegetable soup from it, but it had been too hot.

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