25 August 1994 - TIME TRAVEL
I have arrived in the olden year 500 BC. I was taken prisoner by a caveman called Roland Russell, and his wife, Harrison Stetler.
They dragged me into a small cave, where I was forced to drink 9 pints of wood pulp.
30 August 1994 - IN THE FUTURE
In the space year 2017 AD, Man has developed a method of milking cows by slapping their bums with a hand towel.
In addition to this, all food now drips from street lamps, and is swallowed up by the hungry masses, who spray it straight back.