Being A Murderer
18 JANUARY 2015 - BEING A MURDERER
I've got a new job as a freelance murderer. Murdering people isn't always as much fun as you might think - the hours can be long, and I always seem to take my work home with me - but it does have its perks.
For instance, once a month I go along to a murderer's breakfast power meeting, where we get to swap business cards and murdering tips with others working in the murdering industry.
I've made some great friends through networking in such a way. Friends such as The East Kilbride Smotherer, The Somerset Lyncher, and Thimon Thevens - who isn't a murderer, he's just a murder fanboy, and is always hanging around outside the meetings, trying to get everyone's autograph and attention. I've thought about murdering him, but the truth is I've grown rather attached to the little guy - and his adorable little lisp! Bless him, he even made his own knife out of cardboard and tinfoil!
When I'm not murdering people, there's always plenty of office work and filing to catch up on - ie; storing receipts for my tools of murder, keeping detailed records of who I've murdered and when, and just generally keeping the office ticking over. It's hard work - and I sometimes miss the days when murdering was just a hobby, and not a full-time job - but I couldn't imagine doing anything else.
Not least because I was thrown out of university for murdering a couple of people, and have very few transferable skills.
19 JANUARY 2015 - BEING A MURDERER
I've decided to take my murdering business to the next level, and open up the first high street murder shop - Murdersons. Anyone wanting to be murdered can just walk in off the street, and we promise to look after them (murder them).
We have a menu of different methods of murder that we offer to our customers - there's the Three S's, your basic stabbing, strangling and shooting. However, we also have a sliding scale of more exotic forms of murder.
For £100 you can be murdered by being pelted with glass bottles, or wooden drinks coasters. For an extra £20 we'll sing a fantastic pop song while murdering you, and for an additional £500 our murderers will drown you in a tank of crabs and electric eels, and tattoo your name onto their skin. We even offer a two-for-one deal if you recommend us to a friend.
More excitingly still, we're looking into hosting our own Murder Expo at a posh conference centre in London. We're hoping that thousands of like-minded murder fans will buy tickets, for the chance to pose for photographs with their favourite murderers, enter into murderer cosplay contests, and attend Q&A sessions where celebrity murderers will regail them with hilarious anecdotes before murdering them.
20 JANUARY 2015 - BEING A MURDERER
Unfortunately, I've had to stop being a murderer, as I've just learned that murder is still apparently illegal in this country. It's political correctness and health & safety gone mad.