The Man With A Long Chin's Diary


Vampire Hunter


11 April 1997 - VAMPIRE HUNTER

Being a vampire hunter is more dangerous than I at first thought. Last night I was racing to a house where I thought there might be a vampire, when I crashed my scooter into the back of a truck.

I thought I'd seen a puffin sitting on a wall, and wasn't looking where I was going. After I'd dusted myself down, I walked over to the wall and instantly realised my mistake - it wasn't a puffin, but a stack of pancakes on a box of zinc!

12 April 1997 - VAMPIRE HUNTER

I've decided to end this terrible vampire curse once and for all, by destroying the boss vampire. I've travelled to Transylvania, and located the home of the vampire boss. He lives in a semi-detached house opposite a sweet shop.

The vampire boss, Andrew Sullivan, 36, won't know what's hit him. I intend to spit holy water in his eye, and then knock him about with a wet towel. It's well known that vampires hate being flicked with wet towels.

14 April 1997 - VAMPIRE HUNTER

My vampire career has come to a tragic end. After destroying around a dozen or so vampires, a friend told me that vampires aren't real after all, and are just a popular myth inspired by a film called Bride of Frankenstein.

Rather than risk causing any further upsets, I've decided to hang up my stakes and holy water bottles for good. I tried throwing my crucifix out of the window, but it just flew back, boomerang-style, and hit me in the gob.

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