That's right, kids - it's popular 19th Century "bird fancier" (ornithologist) and inventor of funny poems, Edward Lear! He spends his time indulging in writing the "humorous" limerick rhymes which he probably thought up while off his head on absinthe and snuff, allowing Digi the privilege of publishing them. However, the fact that he's been dead for over a century doesn't appear to have done his writing any favours, as his new material has a tendency to lose the plot in disturbing/spectacular fashion towards the final couplet...

• There was a young spider from Prussia,
  Who bought a big doll from a-Russia,
  When he got it home,
  He smashed it with a bone,
  And a shard pierced his cerebellum

• There was a young pigeon from Kent,
• Who while flying got stuck in a vent.
• She struggled and pulled,
• And wriggled and called,
• Chim-chimeny chim-chim-cheroo!

• There was a fat golfer from Brazil,
• Who kept his balls close to the sill.
• Until one day,
• The balls rolled away,
• Fing-zing-bong-bong-trong!

• There was a hard builder from Leeds,
• Who got mixed up in a bag of pigseed,
• He got ate by a boar,
• Which made his face sore,
• And caused his stomach to bleed

• There was a drunk trampy from Kent,
• Whose nose was all long and all bent,
• It caused him such grief,
• That he turned into a thief,
• People in the house say bo selecta!

• There was a nude vicar from Nice,
• Who never could get any peace,
• So he cut off his face,
• Which he thought was just ace,
• Then went out and bought a new fleece

• There was a big thingy from somewhere,
• Who did this thing with the thing,
• Then something else,
• And something else again,
• That silly big thing from thing

• There was a fat rapper from NYC,
• Whose guns were up in a tree.
• When the gang war began,
• He did not have a gun,
• So he ran off and hid in the sea

• There was a rude psycho from Kent,
• Who kept all his victims in a tent.
• When they cried out at night,
• He'd shut the tent tight,
• And batter them with a big vent

• There was a smooth shaver from Wales,
• Who bought a new razor at the sales,
• But when she took that blade home,
• And slapped on the foam,
• She saw it was only for males!

• There was a drunk lady from Brent,
• Who threw up in the river of Trent,
• When the sick floated off,
• She gave a small cough,
• And vomited in a bystander's tent

• There was a young singer called Thom,
• Whose eyes were all off and all wrong,
• When he sung No Surprises,
• The eyes changed in sizes,
• And burst when he sang a new song

• There was a guitarist called Noel,
• Whose brother resembled a vole,
• They played gigs at Wembley,
• Before an excited assembly,
• And swore, thusly staining their soul

• There was a healthy lung from Leeds,
• Which encountered a sachet of seeds,
• When the seeds began to sprout,
• The lung owner did shout,
• 'These flowers erupt from my knees'

• There was a stormtrooper from Berlin,
• Who wasn't that keen to commit sin,
• So he ran off to Blighty,
• Said 'Lord almighty,
• 'These English, they do toilet in a bin!'

• There was a house painter from Brent,
• Who painted the inside of his tent,
• When he slept there that night,
• He had a terrible fright,
• When the paint fumes caused him to
• suffocate to death

• There was a fat fisherman from Wales,
• Whose boat had magnificent sails,
• They were really big,
• Really very big indeed,
• Snit-snit chim-chim-cheroo

• There was a young man who would look,
• In shops for a good grappling hook,
• He had designs on the Queen,
• If you know what I mean,
• Which specifically is that he wanted to steal her crown using a grappling hook

• There was a tall gaffer from Brent,
• Who stopped eating pancakes for Lent,
• But two days in,
• He drank syrup from the tin,
• Except it wasn't syrup it was turps

• There was a hard builder from Leeds,
• Who got mixed up in a bag of pig seed,
• He got ate by a boar,
• Which made his face sore,
• And caused his stomach to bleed.

• There was a drunk trampy from Kent,
• Whose nose was all long and all bent,
• It caused him such grief,
• That he turned into a thief,
• People in the house say bo selecta!

• There was a young porker from Texas,
• Who drove into town in a Lexus,
• Just in case you are wondering,
• I think a Lexus is a type of car,
• But I may have got it wrong.

• There was a short chef from Kansas,
• Who cooked up her dinner in a pan-yes,
• Though I appreciate that the above line,
• Isn't the best rhyme ever,
• It's the best I could do.

• There was a bold cavalier from Bahrain,
• Who kept his pet dog on a chain,
• He kept it tethered in the yard,
• But the dog pulled the chain hard,
• However, the cavalier didn't notice this happening.

• There was a bald hombre from Spain,
• Who kept his pet dog down a drain,
• He laughed at the dog,
• When he flushed the bog,
• I'm sure I don't need to explain why.

• I once lived in a flat near Wembley,
• Except it wasn't a flat but a tree,
• I’ve lived up it for a year,
• And let's get it clear,
• That I did it through my own free will and not because of some tax dodge.

• There was a young fellow named Greg,
  Who made a mess on his leg,
  I'm not sure what it was,
  But it didn't look very nice,
  And it stunk to high heaven.

• There was a young prince from Dubai,
• Who boasted a pair of glass eyes,
• The funny thing was,
• He had no need for them,
• And when inserted they squashed his real eyes to the back of the socket.

• There was an old rustler from Texas,
• Whose weapon was a rusty cutlass,
• He swished it around,
• And jabbed at the ground,
• Whereupon he severed his own sternum.

• There was a young man with a limp,
• Who lived in a house with a chimp,
• He bathed with the chimp,
• And shared his bed with the chimp,
• So it came as little surprise when the chimp tore his jaw off.

• There was a tall author from Putney,
• Whose hair was covered in chutney,
• At least that's what he said it was,
• Though some of his friends suspected that it was actually frogspawn.

• Bert Botham was a fellow from Greece,
  Whose house had a thirty-year lease,
  It had two years to run,
  But he sold it anyway,
  To a gullible asylum seeker called Martin Orford.

• There was a fat nurse from Penzance,
  Who kept her medicine in her pants,
  I concede that the above couple of lines don't scan terribly well,
  And now I've ruined it completely.

• There once was a woman from Bali,
  Who made up a type of ice lolly,
  It was covered in strands,
  Which exude from two glands,
  She manipulates whilst upon a trolley.

Do you have any Digi characters stuff? Do you have any old Man Diaries saved, or know some much-sought-after Man's Daddy jokes? If you do mail me (superpage58@gmail.com) with it right now, man.

Back