Digitiser Characters A-Z

The Cartoon Identity Parade

Over the years there have been many inhabitants of the great halls of Digitiser. They all had some purpose, if only to fill up a bit of space at the end of a page, but they are a part of Digi nonetheless and must be acknowledged. This page pays homage to their greatness, visiting those that are still with us; and those which have long since been forgotten by most people. And... here they are, man:

Advent Animal
Funny little red guy that appeared every weekend before Christmas in December 1993, using the method of the reveal-o to introduce a strange array of animal fellers that he was friendly with. DIY "Kelly" even gave instructions for how to make your own Digitiser Advent Animal: "Get your rolls, tape, piping, cutters and iron. Bring 'em round, I'll slap 'em on, then off I go. Am I wired for sound yet?" There you go - get "cracking".
Al Capone
Renowned prohibition-era gangster, taking a break from smuggling the boozes and the "liqor" into 1920s Chicago, to encourage you to visit the Digi website. Are you looking at him?
Alien Queen
And you thought she perished after being ejected into the vacuum of space at the end. No, the matriarchal xenomorph is in fact running a charity shop for Romanian orphans in Bolton, who all seem to be big fans of the Digitiser website. Well, who isn’t?
Anne Robinson
Not content with straddling both sides of the Atlantic hosting gameshow The Weakest Link while dressed like a SS granny, the scowling winker even found herself commenting on smaller news morsels on Digi, such was her ubiquity around the year 2000.
Axl Rose
Oh, sweet child o' his! Kilt-wearing LA hair metal buffoon Axl Rose appeared on Digi in its final weeks on air to provide horoscopes for frozen chickens. Your lucky number is gas mark 6.
B2
One of the two titular bananas from Australian kids' TV show Bananas In Pyjamas, here to tell us to go and read the Digitiser website. Or at least he would if he could remember what he was going to say.
Basil Brush
Vulpine kids' TV character of yesteryear. Appeared on Digi in 1997 to bemoan his lack of recent appearances, which he was convinced was due to the popularity of The X-Files, and David Duchovny hogging all fox-related bookings.
Balls For Eyes
His parents named him Samuel Foxley, but people called him Balls For Eyes. This is probably because, you know - he had balls for eyes. And that. Hosted a round-up of football games during World Cup 1994, due to the flood of kick-oh-ball-oh games being released, and because of the balls he had instead of... well. You get the idea. Could make the balls pop out and roll around as if they were alive. "The balls... they are speaking to me..."
Batman and Robin
Yes, it's the once-Dynamic Duo, locked in a life of domestic drudgery together. Batman seems to be less interested in fighting crime in Gotham these days, instead taking "great pleasure" in calling "premium rate" phone lines, and visiting some of the more "interesting" web sites out there. The whole sordid mess is over here.
Mr Bean
Looking less like Rowan Atkinson and more like a relation of The Man's Daddy (or possibly Cthulhu), Mr Bean was in prison because of you. In fact, we catch him here in the act of washing his tights in a bucket, before going on to tell us 15 things he never knew about the PlayStation, ahead of its UK release.
The Beatles
That's right - the popular sixties beat-combo that inspired "Po-Fasis" used to host the tips page. Paul and George appeared to be infatuated with Ringo, while John was more concerned that people would think he felt anything but pure loathing for Paul. Variations included the Alien Beatles; Ironic Beatles; Baby Beatles; and best of all, the French Beatles, of whom you can see stuff: here.
Beggs
Kajagoogoo's Beggs (23) was a brief tips-host in January 1994. Sadly, his time there was marred by the busting-up of his 'Operation!' game, which put him in need of the kind of cheering-up that only readers' chips and teats can provide.
Benny Stevens
Cockerel custodian of weekend retrogaming feature Old Game: Here back in 1994. Benny just loved nostalgia, which is why he would he would encourage readers to send in their retro reviews. He was especially partial to nostalgia of the "fizzy" variety, but the less said about that the better.
Bergerac
Fictional island-based detective Jim Bergerac took a break from starring in mundane Sunday night drama serials in the decade of the 1980s to host the Digi Awards 1996. So used to acting, he was delighted to be able to "play" "himself" for a change.
Big Ben
Donggggg! That's right, it's none other than world famous landmark Big Ben, taking time off from striking hourly next to the Palace of Westminster to comment on Digi's mini news. Some might suggest that the fact he first appeared near the end of Digi's run in 2003 means he has a lewd, some might even say "phallic" aspect to him, but that couldn't be further from the truth. Bonggg!!!! He loves DONGGGS!!
Bill Gates
Yes: the guy from off of computers and that! He really loves you, man!
Bob Sweezely
Another host of tipsville from around 1999, Sweezely was a sort of parody of awful showbiz TV gameshow hosts. You know: with the saying-things-in-an-altogether-too-loud register and the insincere, OTT cheerfulness; all teeth, all the time. Bob introduced the tips as if he were hosting some cheesy daytime gameshow, complete with fake tension and extreme facts about stuff (extreme in that they weren't true).
Britt Slaps
As you will know, millionaire Britt Slaps made his fortune by selling old swords which he kept finding in his garden. Unlike you, he can afford to spend £500 on video games. But if you could afford to do this, he would tell you what you should buy - then he would sell you a sword.
Brolly
Huge-naveled Brolly was a missing character from Street Fighter 2, and appeared on the Digi tips page in 1994 to tell us why he was removed. His tendency to "worry" that oversized belly button of his resulted in the programmers constantly being sick. It'll be their fault if it never heals.
Bronkowski
The Fifth Teletubby. I bet you didn’t even know there was a fifth Teletubby? Well, that’s where you’re wrong, see, because back before they were famous Bronkowski was an intrinsic part of their act. That was before Tinky Winky arrived. You can find out what happened next over in this place. Gets royalties every time they say "Eh-oh".
Broton Chronos
Renowned professor of psy-co-lolly-gee at "college", Professor Chronos dropped by the pages of Digi in May 1995 to host a quiz to determine whether you were addicted to games, and that. Which you surely were.
Bryan Adams
The famous Canadian soft-rock stalwart hosted the Digi news pages during its last months in 2003. Oddly, both his appearance and repertoire had taken on the form of a Chinese stereotype.
Butch Jenkins
Some-time host of the news round-up, this crude heavy wouldn't look out of place in a biker gang. With his shades, 'tache and aggressive lingo, his presence on Digi was certainly concerning. "I gonna get me some of that stuff!"
Buzz Aldrin
Eagle Base calling all foxy ladies, it's amorous space-lothario and second man on the moon, Buzz Aldrin! At the time of his appearance on the 'Web-up' page in 1998, Aldrin hadn't been on the moon for about 14 years, but was still determined to have a great night out - which would always begin by checking out the Digitiser website, even though some of the links were all messed-up.
BW
Host of your favourite quiz - his quiz! The little yellow guy that just loved to ask you the question, which he did at weekends in the mid ‘90s. Based on Bamber Boozler, and was eventually superseded in the the asking of the question by Dr Triv. BW always comes around when you least expect him - unless you've invited him!
BW's Wife
BW’s Wife, RD (or is it KF and N?), was a quiz mistress in her own right, and sometimes (when Digi didn’t have any other material) weekend editions would be a "double header", with both spouses sporting their own quiz-me-do.
Cake and de Bono
Weekend round-ups fellers from the summer of 1994. "Cake" is the legal guardian of popular psychologist Edward de Bono, atop whose head he sits. You may be aware of some of Edward's other achievements: his expolits as the singer in pop combo U2, or the fact that he invented bones - but maybe you just don't like his face. Cake sure as hell doesn't!
Called Spite
That's right: the dude with the popular fizz from off of games and that. In one of his games he was forced to fizz right onto his fur - after a while the fizz went away, and he was clear to smoke pots of gluten. Brought his fizz to the Digi chips and teats page in 1994, where he reeked like a noodle.
Captain "F"
Funnee little electronic guy who popped into Digi once in 1996 for the debut public showing of his encyclopaedia-style presentation all about the games: the video games. The good captain was especially suited to this pursuit, as his electrical brain was programmed to digest letters, not just from books, but also other letters (the kind you write to your dad).
Captain Five Skills
Filled-in for The Man on his diary page when he was unwell in August 1994. As a pirate, Captain Five Skills has come to learn a vast number of skills (five). The first skill he learnt was to become a CeCe Peniston lookalike, which helped him to plunder boots from his wife, eight CeCe Peniston CDs, and a couple of pistons. Finally!
Cardinal Wolsey
Famed 16th Century English cardinal and "alter rex", whatever that is, Wolsey was so relied upon by King Henry VIII that he entrusted him with predicting what would happen in the world of video games in the year 1995AD. And also to pass on to Digitiser readers that Henry's new wife, S'Bentley, sends her love. Such a nice couple.
Carol Hoover-van
Brainy cyclopean denizen of Countdown. Likes a good mystery, especially video game-related ones.
Catkin Hard
Also known as The Competition Strangler, this weird chap came to us in early 1994 posing conundrums that were "of the maths" in return for material prizes. Named after Mr Biffo's childhood pet cat, which he gave the same name to (the rest of the family refused to call it that).
The Changing Man
Popular singer The Changing Man - also known as Paul Weller, aka Stanley Road, has been in the mixed-up pop business since he was six years old. Appeared once in 1998 to encourage you to "Go Underground" and check out the Digitiser website. It's Entertainment! Etc.
Chapman
The Man’s Auntie Chapman first appeared in 1993, taking up permanent residence at the end of the charts pages – where she would in fact play host to "Chapman’s Charts". She may have been a greaser by trade, but she also derived considerable delight from wiping her dogs with readers’ charts of stuff, publishing all manner of contributions. Played a part in "Chinnygate", where she interrupted The Man during a compromising phone call with Dad’s Army.
Chart Cat
Our urbane feline friend who introduced the weekly goings-on in chartland from 1993 until 1997, when he was usurped by Wired Child. Chart Cat was fond of giving us glimpses into his high society life - as well as the odd discreet proposition.
Chester Fisho
The curious little fish-fella that used to live on the last page at the end of the news, Chester would give us his helpful comments and opinions in response to the bitesize news whilst blowing bubbles. Towards the end of his stay they’d been filled with sufficient innuendo to once again get Digi into trouble with "The People Upstairs". Either because of this, or simply because Biffo had grown bored of him, he was soon replaced by Zombie Dave’s masked expletives, so that worked out well for Teletext.
Chewbacca
That's right - the Wookiee of Star Wars fame. He occasionally pops in to help out with the tips, although is clearly feeling smited by the lack of work that he's been getting, what with him being a classically trained actor and all. It didn’t help that he wasn't in The Phantom Menace, and he was quite the bitter walking carpet about it. His fellow stars came in for a fair amount of criticism - he had no time for Harrison Ford, who "smells", and was hurt than even Mark Hamill was getting more work than him.See for yourself on the reveal-o-page. Rrrruughh rrraaaa ruuughh-rrrrrurrrgh!
"Clarkuss"
Gary "Clarkuss" Clark was the unseen best friend and constant companion of The Man With A Long Chin's replacement Pat Walker, following The Man's assassination in late 1993. Walker's diary entries would often mention "Clarkuss", who was such a fixture in his life that The Man inherited him when he returned to the diary page following his resurrection. "Clarkuss" was almost like a multiple personality of The Man, sometimes the voice of reason or caution, sometimes sorting out paying gigs for him, and sometimes encouraging violent revenge against his enemies. "Clarkuss" was around well into 1994, before eventually just sort of being forogtten and never referred to again.
Clem From College
Fifth and final candidate for The Man's replacement in the rigged 1993 election that took place following the long-chinned one's demise. At the time of the hustings, wide-boy Clem was still reeling from the shock of his "stuff" being flushed by Michelle, while his election manifesto simply demanded to know whether his acting was better yet.
Clever
So intelligent that he's actually called "Clever" – he can do really big sums, spell stuff right, and knows loads about hist’, geog’, and socio’. Even video games. Which is why he hosted a feature about some that were good back in 1995.
Cockney Sparrow
Brief host of the news round-up page during Digi's final days of 2003, this Mike Reid lookalike would comment on the news with his particular brand of cockney rhyming epithets. Except that it wasn't quite the rhyming slang your usual "pearly" "kings" and "queens" would recognise: "Well done you big apples and dossers" etc.
Computer Boy
Not the kid that used to be on Live & Kicking (Digi would refer to him as 'Computer Boy'), but an entirely different socially inept wretch. This repellent creature gave PC owners a bad name. Most likely an early adopter of the internet, and as such felt he was superior to all other users, leading to his constant denouncement of "nEWbiE SKuM!!!!". Has a pathological loathing of consoles and looks down on anyone who isn't willing to endure having to buy a brand new PC, just because they were naïve enough to think the latest hot new game would actually run on it.
Connis The Cow-bag
One of the first video game mascots, but sadly his legacy has been largely forgotten as kids were scared of his big udders - they didn't like it when he swung them in time to the beats. But if you had udders, you'd do the same! Anyway, shorn of his status, he found himself hosting the Digi tips page in 1994.
Cornelius The Monkey
Not only the star of such films as Planet of the Apes and M*A*S*H, but an in-demand financial adviser as well. He doesn’t only advise you on things like mortgages and bonds, but how best to spend a fat wad of cash on video games as well. Then he tries to kiss you with tongues.
Cracker
TV criminal psychologist, big fan of cake, and best friend of Lewis – but loathed by Morse. But then, Morse hates everyone: "I really hate you Lewis!".
Cyber-X
Oi-oi! Cyber-X is the well safe games journo, who’s, like, way too much of a top geezer to actually play games and that! Naaaaa, mate! Spends his time clubbing, drinking beer, eyeing-up "birds", and talking about his quality social life in his columns (Digi’s mini-news page) instead of games. Based on a notorious real-life games journo from around 2000, who was spat out into the world by the lad mag boom, and later inexplicably became a self-help author/motivational guru.
D. Hall
The best man in the world, and won’t let you forget it. Bestrode the 1995 tips page like Atlas.
Daddy Cool
Semi-regular be-afroed reveal-o-guy, and one cool disco cat. Was eventually killed off due to Digi believing everyone hated him, meaning he was subjected to a full-body explosion, not far from the gaze of a bewildered Mr T, who he had been aggravating. We were then informed that we wouldn't have to put up with Daddy Cool’s disco-themed "Daddy Cool is cool-style" expressions any longer - though he was later resurrected with a new look, more like that bloke out of hat-wearing mid-2000s fools Orson than a Studio 54 disco-dancing champion.
Daniel Bread
One of the many tips hosts of June 1994, Bread lamented that he would never be popular enough to have a game based around him. This was an especial let down, seeing as his Uncle Dracula was both a popular gaming hero himself, and regularly subjected Bread to squirts of scalding hot ink from his eyebrow. The ink was then used to draw books about wasps.
Danny Taurus
EastEnders character brought in to "spice up" plots featuring Pauline Fowler in early 1993, "TV's Danny Taurus", as he was billed by Digitiser, was a rock ‘n’ roll pub singer that sported an obvious and comical hairpiece. Unsurprisingly, Digi immediately took him to their hearts, making him a regular character - and even more unsurprisingly, making his hair the central feature of his look. The Digi depiction of Taurus appeared on their pages every day one week, with the drawing of his ‘hair’ becoming increasingly phallic with every day that passed. Eventually, the cock-n-ball-piece became so pronounced and overt that a viewer wrote in, having drawn a sketch of what they saw on screen – the face of Taurus, with a prominent gland-like protuberance of hair, and an arrow pointing to it with the question: "possible cock?" Realising their fun hadn’t gone unnoticed, and having already built a reputation for controversy, Digi quickly retired the character.
Darth Vader
The Dark Lord of the Sith stopped by the 'Web-up' page in 1998 to bemoan his love life, with his suit making potential dates think he's some sort of weird pervert - like the people who are responsible for the Digitiser website.
Dennis : The Man Of Zinc
Daredevil stunt master, resident of Stunt Town, and Mr Nude’s immediate successor as host of the tips pages, which he took over after putting Mr Nude in a coma resulting from one of his stunts. Dennis does like his stunts - especially those involving pensioners - and believes himself to be indestructible. This has led to the loss of sight in his right eye, and only 30% vision in his left. His indestructibility is secretly down to there being five clones of him ready to step in, which was revealed after the original perished and had to be replaced.
Derek Croft
Makes other cats look... raaaank!
Dr. Derek Doctors
Unhinged, megalomaniacal dentist, and leader of nasty religious cult The Temple Of Evil Love, which succeeded in recruiting The Man to its ranks, until he got bored and decided to do something else. Initially hung around on the diary and tips pages, but was later seen at the weekends introducing arcade reviews with increasingly sinister rants. It was one such disturbing voyage into the depths of his psyche that led to a mother complaining to Teletext, after Doctors had said something about "entering your minds" (she had interpreted it as a different sort of entering) - prompting Digi to "think better of it" and lock him away in a box marked "mollusc", or something. Later appeared as a character in the BBC Three pilot of Biffovision, albeit as Professor Derek Doctors, so he must have got tenure at the University Of Dark Science by that point. His cult-leader ravings can be sampled here - but beware his hypnotic powers of persausion...
The Devil
That's right, Mr David Evil himself. Except his infernal business seems mostly concerned with stopping you from messing around on his turf with your disrespecting punk-ass fool ways. Also, yes, he talks like a 90s gangsta rapper.
The Digitiser Donkey
Apart from hosting the tips page in 1994, for the most part The Digitiser Donkey was an unseen character, whose origins go right back to 1993, when – along with The Digitiser Leopard – Digi would make passing references to him on the letters page. However, after not being heard about since those earliest days, he made a triumphant return during the golden period of 2000, becoming a much more regular (although still largely unseen) character. Digi would feed readers’ letters to him, and talk about him to the extent that he finally made a handful of appearances, becoming a secondary mascot after The Man. Ever the nuisance to Teletext bosses, Digi were reprimanded for using the phrase "Snap! Snap! Snap! The donkey broke its back!", and had to remove it.
Distracted Mike
Late-era mini-news comment guy – not that he was really paying much attention to what was going on. Always seemed to be in the middle of something else, and unable to concentrate fully on the news that was being reported. "Could we do this later perhaps?"
DIY "Kelly"
Right, blokes? It's none other than the fishlike brother of The Man! A resident of Bishop Stoatroad and married to a large kitten, "Kelly" obtained his DIY moniker by dint of the home improvement tips he would dispense while filling in for The Man on his page. A prominent character in Digi's early days, so much so that he was a candidate to replace his brother as Digi's mascot in the election of November 1993 ("Kelly"'s manifesto: "I want to do stuff for you and that"). He was a bit of a "geezer", judging by the semi-cockney spiel that would come out of his most excellently-proportioned (huge) lips. According to Mr Biffo, "Kelly"'s look was inspired by the Imperious Leader from the original Battlestar Galactica TV series. Had his own problem page, called, appropriately enough "DIY Kelly's Problem Page", where he would eject tips for better life and mental health (so perhaps he could have helped his Daddy before he went over the edge). He also gave advice for all your DIY needs - his best tip was how to do a shelf and that: "Right, blokes. Get your shelf, get your nails and stuff, and just do the shelf". Smart.
DJ Ice Hockey
The host of The Slot Wash weekend arcade reviews, debuting in 1994 but later according to Digi he "died years ago". As his name suggests, he was an ice hockey-themed hip hop DJ ("the DJ don't stand for 'Dining Johnny', d'you gather?"), speaking in a mix of street slang and the aggressive enforcer-speak of a typical chilly-hock’ guy. He was one crisp dude. Minty. Minty fresh. Freshy minty freshness of mint.
Don Palmer
The dentist who appeared on Digi courtesy of the European Dental Advisory Panel. Loved what he did – teeth weren’t just his job, they were his life – but absolutely could not abide nervous patients. Any that sat in his chair were in for a bad time.
Donnny Rich
Owner of Richer Carpets, where you the customer are the second priority. This late-era reveal-oh dropped into the pages of Digi to plug his business in between cleaning his merchandise with only the freshest bird lime, and appearing on channel 444 of cable and satellite for more "plug-based" "fun".
Dougli Starman
Evil brother of Mowgli from out of the Jungle Book, able to swagger along at an unbelievable rate. Hosted the tips page for a week in June '94. Orn! Orn!
Drunky The Scallop
First appearing mere weeks before Digi ended in 2003, Drunky passed comment on news stories by way of attempts at drunken declarations of love, god blesh ya.
Ducky Duckson
The campest duck you ever met, Ducky Duckson was the Charles Hawtree of the waterfowl world, sitting on the news roundup page and exclaiming at any potential innuendo. Whoops!
Duddly King
That's right, it really is the famous video game ape - he dropped in to do a spot of tips-hosting in 1994. Poor Duddly wasn't in the best of health, though. His pills? His pills made ear go like dragster! Yesss, miiisss?
Duncan
The Man's pet, Duncan is a jar of about six prawns with a collective intelligence. When they first launched, Digi asked for letters guessing what kind of creature Duncan was. Suffice to say that none of them were right. Nobody knows what happened to Duncan, as after he was stowed in his slim yet long yellow carrying case, he didn’t make another appearance. You can, however, see more of him as he accompanies The Man to the Lard Jamboree for Super Control.
Edward Lear
That's right, kids - it's popular 19th Century "bird fancier" (ornithologist) and inventor of funny poems, Edward Lear! Made his debut on Digi in late 2000, and spent his time indulging in writing the "humorous" rhymes which he probably thought up while off his head on a cocktail of absinthe and snuff, allowing Digi the privilege of publishing them. Unfortunately, the fact that he's been dead for over a century doesn't appear to have done his writing any favours, as his new material has a tendency to lose the plot in puzzling fashion towards the final couplet. See his rhymes: here!
Enigmatic Pete
A mysterious (enigmatic, if you will) guy, who appeared once on the news round-up. As is the usual MO with these newsy-peeps, Pete sprayed the page with generous amounts of brain-mulch regarding the day's less-important fragments of information. What he actually says would suggest one of two things: 1) He's an extremely enlightened font of wisdom, or 2) He has absolutely no idea of what he's talking about. Judge for yourself with this Pete-up: "The future is hidden in the past..." Deep...
Ezrill Johns
You'd better be ready for love, because it's The Man's celebrity pal, "bouyant" singer and football personality, Ezrill Johns! Appeared in June '94 during a week where we met all of The Man's showbiz chums. Ezrill is so well known for his funny ways that he has to constantly defend himself from hordes of marauding agony aunts. But that's ok - he just whips out a pen and writes songs on their mouths.
F. Zealot
Closely related, F. Zealot is the console-owning counterpart of Computer Boy in terms of mentality, and also in other terms as well. As Computer Boy gives a bad name to all PC owners, so his cousin shames the weary, forsaken followers of the once-mighty Sega, still believing them to be as formidable as they were before they cut their own feet off in a fatal attempt at proving they could walk on water. Zealot is never able to accept bad news relating to his special friends, convinced that it's all part of an anti-Sega conspiracy orchestrated by the Sony-loving media (in which he often included Digi). He seeks out like-minded idiots online, developing the many conspiracy theories and faked news stories - claiming Sega still loves them - which keep them from collapsing in stark realisation of the truth. Does this remind you of a specific era in Digi history at all, man? Yes: the Crimean War!
Fat Nost
Famous and highly dead sooth-saying prohpet who briefly replaced Fat Sow (see below) in January 1997, giving his opinionated gaming predictions for the year ahead. Chiefly among them, that it's impossible to predict what will happen with the games industry, as the games-playing public are stupid idiots.
Fat Sow
"The angry pig that reviews the week's news", Fat Sow is Digi’s furious resident porcine demagogue. Making her debut in 1995 and virtually ever-present for the rest of Digi’s Teletext run (and beyond), she was used as a way of causing controversy, and provoking letters outraged at her opinions on topical gaming issues. Nothing that ever happened was positive as far as Fat Sow was concerned, and she would pour forth with all manner of compound-verb insults and declarations of the extent of her anger. Most of the time this was to comically exaggerated lengths, but she had her insightful moments too and would often say what the rest of the industry was too scared to. Many readers were so goaded into apoplexy by her comments that they seemed to think she was real. Also, Mr Biffo once claimed she was his wife.
Father Mange Tout
Hosted a Christmas buyers' guide in 1996. Despite his features, he is definitely not Father Christmas - he's his daddy! Delivered all the Christmas presents until 1974, at which point he contracted a zombie virus and all his skin rotted off.
The Firelighter
The frontman of The Prodigy popped up on Digi's web-up page in May 1998, keen to dispel some myths about both him and his most iconic song, Firestarter. He was at great pains to point out that far from being an incitement to commit arson, the original lyrics were in fact about how to prevent food poisoning through the correct use of firelighters when barbecuing chicken. Boing!
Fizzy
The original egg-shaped template for a popular egg-shaped video games character, that can't be mentioned due to a court injunction that his former wife had taken out. Popped up on the tips page once in 1994.
Flipper
Clickety-clack, clickety-clack! TV's Flipper - dolphin star of the 1960s show of the same name - dropped in for a brief appearance on Digi in June '98. Apparently, when not in front of the cameras, he enjoyed nothing more than getting out of his head on gin with his friends Lassie and Wellard from EastEnders, then reading the Digi website and pretending it was his wife.
Frank Butcher
That’s right, sweetheart. Albert Square’s number one used car salesman and "Pat-Man" returned from being missing, presumed dead, to grace the 1995 Christmas Day edition of EastEnders – but not before he’d stopped by the Man Diary page on Digi first. Where had he been? That’s simple, sweetheart – sitting in a pub carpark in Lancaster, subsisting on a diet of petrol and tyres. Subsequently made another surprise appearance to mark his final episode appearing in the cock’ soap. Ruuuuuuuuuunaround!
The Funny Dancers
Foynt, Toynbee, Gilliam II, Roly, and Tot are The Funny Dancers. Those kids really are the greatest funny dancers around. They must be, because they won the 1999 Funny Dancing Competition! And then immediately had to fight off the lusty intentions of the contest’s judge. Pump up the jam!
G.E.
Brother of famous movie alien E.T - the Extra Terrestrial, who hosted the web-up page in November 1997. His more celebrated sibling was unable to be there himself, as he was sadly knocked down in the streets of their home planet, Bibblington-Stanley, by a space motorbike while crossing the road to get some space cigarettes. He really would've loved the Digi website, too.
Garth Brookes
That's right - the popular country music cowpoke! When he's not touring with his band Garth likes nothing more than reading Digi's Man Diary, so he was delighted to host the letters special in 1997 where The Man survived another poll on whether or not to axe the long-chinned mascot. He was especially delighted that the votes to keep The Man were legitimate and so didn't require any rigging. His achey breaky heart just wouldn't have understood.
Gary Barlow
Ecky thump! It’s "taxually-challenged" Take That star and lover of pies, that Gary Barlow, and he’s back for good – back for good on Digitiser. One of the new characters brought in after the return of Digi’s humour in 2003, Barlow took up position requesting letters and regaling us with tales of his none-more-northern life. Twangy-braces, whippets, dripping and all. Eeeee, that’s reet good Hovis, our Jason.
The Good Samaritan/The Evil Samaritan
Odd-looking host of the tips page around 2000, that came in both good and evil varieties. Informs us that he's a great guy, as he kindly helps out all the idiots out there by giving them the obligatory chips 'n' teats on request. Had a tendency to classify people by their names: "hybrid", "human", etc. Strangely the evil version still helped out the hopeless with their chip 'n' teat needs.
Gossi The Dog
Gossi is the awfully discrete pooch who constantly has an ear to the ground for gossip and rumblings from the games world. Debuting in 1995 and becoming a permanent fixture ever since, he's been known to break some very big stories in his time, Sega cursing him on a couple of high-profile occasions. Gossi is a very good dog, but he has managed to get his Digi masters into hot water a few times - one such occasion saw them hauled over the coals by the ITC due to a viewer complaining about animal cruelty (despite him being, y’know – made up and that). Another actually lead to the sacking of Mr Hairs from Teletext. While Mr Biffo was on paternity leave in the spring of 1996, word reached Gossi that Dave "Games Animal" Perry had been reprimanded by his publisher for the mag he was running’s poor sales. Gossi relayed the juicy story to readers, only for Perry to threaten legal action after seeing the report on his TV. Teletext were furious, and with Biffo temporarily out of the picture, used the opportunity to eject the freelance, "troublemaking", Hairs from the premises. Poor Gossi probably got the slipper that time (except: he didn’t). Digi would often find themselves having to point out to readers bleating away on the letters page when Gossi’s news was untrue, and, in fact, "a joke". Pulling in a million and a half readers sadly always did seem to subject Digi to a high proportion of mess-up-prone idiots.
G'rn M'chl
The friendly alien ambassador to our planet who is constantly falling foul of misunderstandings. Despite his name resembling that of a certain meat-headed EastEnders character, G’rn M’chl is a peaceful envoy who wants nothing more than to foster galactic co-operation. Unfortunately, the words of his language sound rather a lot like requests to euthanise him.
Gus Mann
You may think you know who this is, but you don't. No, this is not Pac-Man - it is in fact his older brother Gus Mann, who hosted the tips page for a time in July 1994. And that's the last mistake you'll ever make!
Mr Harrison
Mr Harrison is a special type of crab - a fanzine crab. While most crabs like to roll around on the ocean floor waiting to be eaten, he prefers to spend his time reviewing gaming fanzines. Which he did for Digi in 1997. He's just crabbing you-up, man!
Dr Heinous
Mysterious, evil reveal-o-dude that, true to type, wants to destroy the world. Has an entire secret organisation at his disposal for the doing of the bad stuff, but so far hasn't been especially successful in his schemes. He's become quite the proud villain as a result of his sitting atop the badness tree, which would probably explain his feelings of shame and humiliation at having to claim unemployment benefit. Like all bullies he's a coward at heart, and tends to shrink from situations where there is the potential for personal injury - specifically big, burly thugs from the local housing estate, come to dispense retribution for him shoving their kids around. See more of him on Bubblegun.
Homer Simpson
The world's biggest lover of dough found time to promote the Digitiser website in early 1998. Those crazy kids were clearly driving him spare, but as long as there was dough, he was happy - and the Digi website was apparently full of it. Mmm.... dough.
Howard Howe
Brief custodian of the tips page in 1994, Howard was one of the fighters in Mortal Kombat III. His special move was the Hundred Horse Heave, but they probably took that out.
Howard String
Much-admired inventor of String™, who stopped by to inform us of the accidental origins of the Digitiser website (a failed experiment to create a new type of tabletop ironing board). Likewise, String™ was also a happy accident - Howard had been trying to creare a thin, flexible flute. As he swung the "flute" around his head, he realised it could be put to more uses than mere "tooting". Oh man!
Humpty Dumpty
Furious eggman from the eponymously-titled nursery rhyme, Humpty was livid at the tale's inaccuracies, as he saw them. Far from coming to his aid, he alleged that all the king's horses and all the king's men did in fact stomp all over bits of his shell and yolk, shouting "Eggy all dead now!". All the king's horses and all the kings men did not immediately reply when asked for a comment. Humpty is believed to be planning to gift them one of his special chocolate eggs - and the idiots at the Digitiser website will be getting one too!
Mr. Hurley and his Curly Pearlies
Briefly "did" the tips page in March 1994. His massive, curly, brilliantly white teeth saw him booked to appear on a German talk show. People across the continent were obsessed with his wonderfully curly chompers, which he cleaned using a special brush shaped like a ceremonial dagger.
Ian Beale
Albert Square's one and only ginger schemer appeared on Digitiser in May 1995, offering up a bunch of lists that he'd extracted from various animals at his veterinary surgery. This so-called "listoplasmatron" was performed using a specialised device which turns the creature's very thoughts into lists. About gaming, apparently.
Insincere Dave
Inspired by David Gibbon, the press release-regurgitating writer of BBC Ceefax’s games section, Insincere Dave was another host of the mini-news page, arriving in 1999. The little dude with the red face and the killer blonde quiff commented on the news with the most OTT enthusiasm you’ve ever seen, though – as his name suggests – whether he meant any of his seemingly-positive comments was highly doubtful. Played by Stuart Ashen in Digitiser The Show. A parade of his insincerity can be seen on Dave's very own page - "well done to all concerned!!!!!!!?!!!"
J.K. Rowling
The Harry Potter author stopped by Digi's mini-news page following the end of Digigate in late 2002, giving us a preview of the latest instalment in her wiz-me-do saga, Harry Potter And The Post Office Clerk. In the words of Stewart Lee, "It's not about THAT!"
Jensen 5
One of The Man's old acquaintances that popped-up in the 1994 Christmas pant-oh. In truth he didn't do much, and was only mentioned in the pant-oh, but I simply had to include him on the strength of his distinctly Digi name alone.
John Meccano
Controversial tennis superstar and celebrity pal of The Man. Famously sacked by the umpire for calling his sister a "pigskin eating a dog", before forcibly removing all of the official's hair.
John Wayne
Howdy partner! Famous movie cowboy John "The Duke" Wayne took time out from being Shirley Crabtree (or was that Big Daddy?) to promote the Digitiser website in October 1997. The Duke's movie career did of course come to an end when he died, and much the same thing happened with the Digi website. Which probably explains how he was able to access it from the afterlife.
Johnny Nowhere
A candidate in the election to replace The Man in the aftermath of his 1993 assassination, Johnny Nowhere is something of an enigma. Abandoned as a baby and found in a city dump with a pig, as he matured he developed mysterious super powers - such as the ability to snort. Twists, turns, and then falls right over.
King
King has an exciting life, being king and all - every day he goes out and burns a vampire. It also means he can afford to buy lots of records. When not doing this he presents features on Digi about sequels. He did that this number of times: one times.
Kliss Evans
Radio DJ and monster expert - knows exactly the sort of noise that monsters make when they're about to get you. Dropped by in 1996 to give us game-related lists and impart his monster-related advice: when they start comin' at you, they ain't never gonna go clack, or something.
Le Chef
Oh, oui! Le pompt du chef les Frenchie, ist les dompt-la-pompt, du mein gott! Hahahaha! For those of you that aren't fluent in French like Digi and myself, this little guy is a slightly theatrical little French chef-dude, who set his "stall" "out" on Digi's news round-up page, and also made the odd multi-page reveal-o-show appearances over the weekend. While he's no doubt a great chef, or something, he doesn't exactly have a great working relationship with his restaurant's manager. Indeed, he would often be chased by his enraged boss all over the food-me-do, thanks to unsatisfactory batches of eat-stuffs cooked up by Le Chef. Always somehow managed to escape scrapes such as this and find time to "eject" his Gallic "charm" all over the expectant face of Digi's news stoat. Ach du lieber!
Lex Luthor
Luthor loves you, baby! Luthor loves most babies!
Lucy Parve
Gaming mega-babe to rival Lara Croft - she's super cool, she's got attitude, and she's the embodiment of female empowerment! And unlike Lara, she doesn't look like a blocky pile of bricks. Steady on, boys!
The Man Who Taunts Fear
The Man's arch enemy, sometimes also referred to as The Fear Taunter. Responsible for our hero's kidnap and torture in early 1993, the diary page was left vulnerable and commandeered by this nefarious cad, who proceeded to gloat about his evil "doings", and detailing his guide to monster-hunting. It remained hijacked and under the villain’s control until The Man escaped, and unsurprisingly needed cheering up. Sports mandatory sinister villain handlebar moustache, smart 1920s attire and flying helmet. Also due to his being a "goodness lacker", he was obliged to have a menacing verbal trademark catchphrase - the dreaded tones of "Nun-nun-chal!", or variants upon it, such as "Chal-na-ha!", or "Chal-ning-ning!". Inspired one of Digi's correspondents to go by the name of The Man Who Flaunts Tears, causing the two to feud via the medium of the letters.
The Man/The Man With A Long Chin
Digitiser's mascot and figurehead. Debuted shortly after its launch in 1993 as "The Man With A Long Chin", but later became known simply as "The Man". Wears a striking pink beret and once clutched a slender carrying case for his pet, Duncan. Originally introduced as a means to solicit letters from readers, his creators were completely unprepared for how popular he became, with viewers writing in wanting to know all about him.

As a result, nearly every day on Digi he would chronicle the latest developments in his fascinating life for us in his diary, getting up to all manner of surreal adventures, and going through successions of increasingly bizarre jobs quicker than Moses, or something. He never stayed in one for more than a week at a time.

When he first arrived on Digi he would speak in strange monosyllabic tones like a caveman: "Man like", "Man nubs Golden Gamegirl"; and would also impart spoof news at weekends - getting Digi a tabloid-baiting reputation in the process.

Has a knack of blagging his way into strangely glamorous/odd posts that take him all over the country (specifically: Leeds), and is curiously fond of daytime TV, especially anything featuring Richard & Judy or Kilroy. This may explain his early gifts of autographed photos of ITV weathermen to people writing to the letters page.

Shortly after his introduction we began to meet an extended cast of characters centred around him, both allies and antagonists – his brother, DIY "Kelly", Auntie Chapman, and arch enemy The Fear Taunter. However, it wasn’t until 1995 that we were introduced to the most significant of all – The Man’s Daddy, teller of the greatest jokes in human history. No one knows exactly how old The Man is, but we do know that he spent time in a German prison in 1976 for painting pretend windows on the hull of a boat.

By their own admission, Digi’s relationship with The Man wasn’t always easy – they tried to kill him many times, succeeding within his diarised life on a number of occasions. The first attempt to slay him came in November 1993, when he was seemingly assassinated by a gunman furious about the recent "Chinnygate" scandal involving salacious phone calls between The Man and Dad’s Army. An election was held to find his replacement, which was won by Pat Walker – who strangely was revealed to be The Man himself in early 1994, seeing him take up residence on his diary page once again (though now speaking in more than monosyllables). Famously, many years later, when Digi’s humour was restored following the Digigate era, The Man’s first appearance back on their pages saw him choking on a chrysalis and dying – again, only for him to re-appear to us from the afterlife a few weeks later.

Digi and The Man were seemingly inseparable. Whenever their readership were asked if he should be axed from their pages, he would always have more than enough support to see him comfortably survive. The Man With A Long Chin is a Digitiser institution – and rightly so. Nubbynubbynub!

You can read many of his diaries, see the feverish creations that appeared on his page, or view his comic strip expolits for Super Control magazine.
The Man's Auntie
It took until October 2021 before we caught sight of the popular singer called The Man's Auntie. Coming in the final hours of the funding campaign for Digitiser The Show Level 2, Mr Biffo offered Digi pics for backers - and with the click of a mouse gave us the biggest insight into The Man's family tree since the '90s. Presumably The Man's Daddy's sister, very little is known about her other than the fact that she sang a song for Kickstarter backer Jack Roscoe.
The Man's Daddy
We may not know quite what kind of creature he is (elephant-insect-man?), but there’s one thing that there’s no doubt about the tutu-wearing Man’s Daddy – that he’s one funny guy!!!!! Yes, The Man With A Long Chin’s very own daddy is a renowned stand-up comedian of some pedigree, and he just loves gracing Digitiser with his latest material.

First took the stage on The Man’s diary page in 1995 for a glorious but all-too-brief run with his hilarious non-sequitur jokes - jokes that make absolutely no sense unless you’re attuned to the excellent Digi mindset, in which case they’re very likely to render you prostrate with riotous laugh-me-dos.

After this short run Digi’s readers clamoured for his return, but had to wait months for their Daddy-itch to be scratched with another batch of funneees. Following more praise for this new stint, Digi announced that he would be returning in the New Year of 1996 – but that he wouldn’t be telling any more jokes. True to their word, he in fact featured in a series of entries in The Man’s diaries, where we found, tragically, that The Man’s Daddy had been institutionalised, and was being treated for his delusions.

It wasn’t long before he was well enough to be strapped to a giant fibreglass Chewit, though, and he emerged his old self, telling his amazing jokes once again. Sadly, that was the last we saw of him for two whole years, as he failed to make another appearance until – following pleas on this very website – he triumphantly returned in 1998.

After that, he was a frequent, key visitor for the rest of Digi’s run on Teletext and beyond (even making live action appearances on Digitiser The Show), telling so many classic jokes that numerous editions of his joke books have been published.

The Man’s Daddy is a fan favourite character, his jokes boasting certain celebrity admirers, and making it into both Biffovision and Mr Biffo’s Found Footage. He truly belongs in the Digitiser Hall of Fame. Aww, guy!
Marcel Marceau
Internationally renowned mime artist and nude garden-runner, Marcel Marceau dropped into Digi's Web-up page in 1998 with the revelation that he does in fact talk. Being French, this largely consists of phrases such as "pompt-de-doo, mon cher".
Morrissey
From 80s indie hero to today’s far right-sympathising disappointment, Manchester’s foremost miseryston had another, less well-documented period: as a Digitiser reveal-o. Yes, during his wilderness years following the critical mauling of 1997’s Maladjusted album, he was at such a loose end that he would pass the time by appearing on the Digi letters page of 2003, replying to readers with dry put-downs and ruminating on what it was like now he was a giraffe and that. Raaaaaaas!!!
Inspector Morse and Lewis
There have been many TV-related reveal-o-characters to appear on the Digitiser letters pages over the years, but Inspector Morse and his sidekick Lewis were among the very first.

Perennial favourites, the stars of the ITV police procedural drama had regular outings all the way through Digi's run, debuting in 1994 and continuing right to the end. They were the original characters to feature in multi-page reveal stories, laying the groundwork for the likes of The Snakes years later, and became an early calling card for Digi's strange humour.

They would pop up giving us advice, or offering a glimpse of the duo's complicated relationship - it's fair to say that Morse had a love/hate relationship with his investigative partner. The pair were often deeply antagonistic, and jealous of each other's friendships with the likes of fellow TV personalities Cracker, Mr T, Inspector Gadget, and others, but when it came down to it they were always inseperable. Apart from when Morse died. "I really hate you, Lewis."

Some of their adventures have been collected for your enjoyment.
Mulder and Scully
Yes, it’s all over the front page, paranormal investigating FBI agents Mulder and Scully brought a touch of X-Files mystery to Digi’s letters page as reveal-o-feds. One mystery they haven’t solved is how their 2016 comeback season managed to be recommissioned. Rrrrrrrrroad rrrrrrrage!!!
The Nice Valentine Rusk
Succeeded Bob Sweezely on the tips page. Would regale us with stories of how naughty he had been. The Nice Valentine Rusk was very naughty.
Niels
Appeared on the tips page in 1994. Was supposed to be featured in the video game versions of Jurassic Park, but he was more interested in the Blarney Stone than chasing and eating men. His dream is to one day visit Ireland so that he can suck a bit of it off. "Pthslpp!"
Mr. Norman
Pleasant robotic servant dude, there to cater to all your tips-based needs.
Mr. Nude
Long-time host of the tips page and purveyor of double entendres, which he did whilst wearing absolutely nothing. Ran a nudist colony which was once under siege at the hands of mutinous nude Omni. "Love, help me be more nude by sending in your chips and teats".
Mrs. Nude
Mr. Nude's flirtatious nude spouse and former co-host of the tips page with him. She contradicts everything he says, but hey it's a marriage that works, apart from Mrs Nude's spell of infidelity with young nude usurper Omni.
NYPD/LAPD
You’re off the case! Not really - I don’t have that kind of power! But NYPD does - he’s the truncheon-polishing New York City police chief that took time out from eatin’ "donuts" and catchin’ crims to review the Amiga public domain software for Digi's PD Files. Do you see? Was originally known as LAPD until the well-known PD archives of the same name that advertised in Amiga and Atari ST mags asked Digi "very nicely" if they would please cease and desist. Roseanne - you don't have to put out that damned red light!
Oberon Talc and Dogson Dagg
Titular Rabid Racers of the rudimentary maze game that sat on the Digitiser website from 1997, which you can still "play" (in the loosest sense of the word) via the Wayback Machine. Oberon Talc was later renamed O.B. Talc for some kind of reason or something, I don’t know.
Odin
Norse god of gods, and brief custodian of the tips and the cheats in 1993. Apparently he required them to burnish his "lad". Make of that what you will.
Onion Owl
Funny little guy that worked in a zoo feeding onions to the owls (it’s a known fact that owls love onions). Inadvertently played a significant role in the feud between Digitiser and Mean Machines Sega, his presence being the spark that finally made an MMS reader crack and draw the anti-Digi comic strip that stepped the battle up a few notches. Despite this notoriety, his name wasn't even really Onion Owl - it was Sonion Towel. According to him, nobody would have a name as stupid as that, but he was saddled with it by his father, Mr Hurry. Sonion Towel is 58 years old.
Pagan James
Mute host of the weekend round-up in July 1994. He would communicate via a series of clicks and whistles - to operate him you must ram two pens into his blobe.
Mr. Paranoia
The creepy reveal-o-dude who knows what's in your bottom drawer.
Pat Walker
Took over from The Man on his page after he was assassinated in November 1993, changing its name to "Walk On, With Pat Walker". He was a groovy Smashy ‘n’ Nicey-style DJ who used to regularly utter the catchphrase "Got and Gamechin!" at the end of his diary tales. Ascended the Digi throne having won the poll for The Man's replacement under suspicious circumstances (ie they admitted rigging it so he'd win). Further intrigue abounded, as he bizarrely turned out to actually be The Man himself. This was discovered one day in early 1994, when he fell asleep on his three-bar electric heater and his face melted into that of a man - a man with a long chin. Digi’s erstwhile long-chinned mascot was revealed to have been Pat Walker all along - The Man was back and reclaimed his page once more. It’s still unclear how he managed to survive a gunshot wound to the head in this way, or if he had in fact faked his death, but none of this mattered - we had The Man back where he belonged.
Pat Walker [2]
Not the same P. Walker that was the reincarnation of The Man, this guy is a London cabbie with "The Knowledge". Not as in knowing the way to the off-licence, or whatever, but more like knowing which irascibly self-important celebrities are in need of a good smack-up. He popped up from time to time as a reveal-o, letting us know the latest on which media whores are currently on his list, for whatever reason. Made the move over to Bubblegun, where he hosted the Smack Clinic - the place for all your smack needs, where you could suggest celebs that Pat should give a good smacking to.
Pathetic Dick
Like a certain family member of yours - let's call him your uncle Richard - Pathetic Dick is evidently of the opinion that witty asides peaked with the Carry On films. The sort of guy that used to find it hilarious to log into chatrooms in the early days of the internet with the username 'Ivor Biggun'. A late debutant to the Digi character roster, he commented on the news in early 2003 with wisecracks of the "What a pair of WHOPPERS!" variety.
Peelbacca
It’s the tree-dwelling brother of that famous Wookiee from out of Star Wars! You know the one - Tobacco. Definitely a Wookiee, and definitely doesn’t resemble an "unsheathed" male "member", oh no ("Peelbacca" - do you see? Don’t tell Teletext...). A notorious character that has enjoyed a cult following in recent times, Peelie’s origins date back to Mr Biffo’s school day doodles, his name being coined by a friend. Has made numerous appearances, all slightly different, all still resembling a cock. Rrrrl rrrll-rrrl-really!
Phoning Honey
The notorious prankney that performed those great "semi-hilarious" (actually: fully hilarious) prank phone calls "semi-regularly" at the weekends as part of the Ring-Sir feature. Nice moustache. Debuted early in Digitiser’s life and lasted right up to end, with his final Teletext prank transcript going out on Digi’s legendary climactic edition. It was as fittingly epic as the occasion demanded. Had a facelift around 2000, transforming him into the incarnation on the right, up there. In his own words, it made him look "cute in a Dennis Waterman kinda way". The funny little guy phoned the games shops and pretended to enquire about games in typically surreal Digi manner. Honey would kick up such a stink that he was forced to change the names of the shops, in order to avoid so-called "Honey-bash". Only one of the unsuspecting saps ever suspected that it could have been Digi pranking their chain. The calls were all genuine, and amused Mr Biffo and Mr Hairs so much that they even took to conducting them for non-Digi purposes, just for the hell of it. A number of Phoning Honey's visits to Prankington have been collected together for you to admire.
Piltdown Man
Ug, ug! Yes, kids - it's none other than infamous fraudulent "missing link", Piltdown Man himself, come to help promote the Digitiser website. Apparently it was invented by a friend of his. Which explains a lot.
Prints
Guesting in place of The Man for an extended period over the summers of 1994 and 1995, the "purple-headed" pixie of "pop", Prints, was an unexpected and memorable addition to the Digi character roster. Complete with unpronounceable name-symbol, acrimonious record company disputes, and be-fanged minder Pumis, he would inform us of the latest goings-on in his world, and about his love of baths (every diary mentioned them somehow, and he even brought them on stage with him). His life was a glamorous one, but it wasn’t without its challenges - despite a bravura performance at Bath Aid ("All the world’s a bath, and we like it!") Prints struggled to record new material, vicious rumours stymied his attempts to form a new backing band, and he was fraught with constant battles against tabloid gossip and the paparazzi. He made quite a few appearances, starting in 1994, and continuing into 1995, which have all been collected for your funky enjoyment. It was quite a sign of some times!
Puckles The Cuckold
Poor downtrodden little guy that featured in Digi’s early days, his name being a play on Sonic’s then-foe Knuckles The Echidna (fresh from a bombshell 72% review score for Sonic 3). Years later appeared in animated form in an episode of Mr Biffo’s Found Footage to tell us about his dream drawings (and unhappy marriage).
The Pun-Meister
Another little guy that was found at the end of the news page, he lived up to his name by proceeding to make godawful puns incorporating phrases from the news that had just been read. Except that they had absolutely no relevance to the news whatsoever - he really stretched his punning ability to the limit to find something to say using the medium of the pun.
The Punster
To all intents and purposes the same character as The Pun-Meister; their similarity was never explained.
Quaker Jones
Possibly named after the fact that he resembles the guy on cereal boxes (joke). Yet another brief inhabitant of the news round-up, and only appeared about twice. Quaker Jones is a prude. He holds repressed Victorian values, sports a prize-winning handlebar moustache and wears traditional Quaker garb. The oat-eatin’ idiot.
The Quoon
Your designated reigning monarch, with her husband Prance Phalop, the Drake of Uttinghuffer by her side. She presides over this gaming dominion, and addresses her gaming subjects every yule, wishing them a traditional gaming Christmas. At that time of year she finds it especially uplifting to think of those less fortunate than herself, and having a good laugh about it.
R2D2 and C3PO
The robotic Rosencrantz and Guildenstern popped up from time to time as reveals, most notably with Threepio declaring his undying love for R2. Only to rebuffed and announce he would be taking out his frustrations in an insane droid killing spree.
The Rapping Shoe
Totally fresh and fly, fo’ real, The Rapping Shoe is one lovable brogue. Originally taking to the Digi stage in October 1997, but not a regular fixture until mid-'98, his popularity quickly took off once he got a few reveal-o-appearances under his laces. He never disappoints with his great raps about life being a gangsta shoe, and counts The Snakes as big fans of his badass flow, who went to see him live. His lisp seemed to be a slight impediment to his credibility at times, but at least he was keeping it heel. The shoe-raps can all be enjoyed in this place.
Relapse
The sickest snake around. Relapse is da freshest, guy - beatbox king, the snake that all the other snakes want to be like, and will happily buy your brand new Nokia off you for 50 squids.
Commander Richard Lipzt
In May 1998 Digi began running the Your Panel 4 segment, following the disastrous tenure of Leslie Bunder. So many prospective features were sent in by hopeful readers that Digi were forced to enlist Commander Richard Lipzt - from off of the Army, and that - in order to sift through the towering piles of writing. Unfortunately, his wife Francis, who was of a nervous disposition, had an "accident" on the linoleum when one of the piles fell on her leg.
Robert Cobs
Why, it's 1994 tips-host and star of around 80 video games - either visibly or invisbly - Robert Cobs! His hull is studied every afternoon by pensioners on behalf of Wotan. When all information is gathered, Wotan pays him this much: £6.
Robertson Sexus
The little green dude that played Yoshi in the Super Mario Brothers movie. He's a proper thespian, and while hosting the tips page in 1994 he imparted his acting wisdom for us. Acting, as they say, is... Anyway, when not acting he enjoys sneaking into fire stations and pumping foam into his nose.
Rollo Benny
Disturbingly, this mega-tached reveal-o, is Germany's answer to Noel Edmonds. He models himself on that crazy guy of light entertainment from about circa 1976, complete with a 'tache that a 70s porn star would be proud of. He continually tries to convince "the kids" that he's hip, attempting to entice some hollow, broken individual to take part in his zany family-oreinted show. "Freak out und parteee!" Unfortunately, being German, he is an obligatory Nazi, and once the pleasantries are dispensed with he reveals his true agenda in attempting to glean information from the English pig-dogs. "YOU VIL OBEY MEIN ORDERZ."
The Rone
Yes, Baba - His Loneliness Rone Tom-Robe, The Rone, was one hot cat and lord of the weekend round-ups in June '94. Toured the country on his brittle-wheeled Ronecycle, which he would intermittently fall to the ground from. But The Rone would not injure himself. Oh no - he's just too sexy for that. Soccerman 2001 was asked to do his football quiz at The Rone's personal request.
Roth Drakewind
A funny little Viking guy, that seems to have lost his way and wandered onto Digi. He stumbled onto the news round-up page, but appeared baffled by the new-fangled speak of modern life. His attempts to cope, and make sense of the strange things that are going on around him stretch to him offering up the odd slab of Viking philosophy for modern-day folk. Has also been known to cry out to the Norse gods for guidance, as well as calling upon the supposed magical power of his people in order to make his brain understand better. It hasn't helped.
S. Arcasm
Brief resident on Chester Fisho's old mini-news spot. Arcasm is a bloodhound that comments on the news by ridiculing it and the people involved in it. He did this in a similar way to Insincere Dave (who followed S. Arcasm), by using saracastic tones to get his point across: "sounds like THEY know what they're doing" etc.
Sarcastic Dave
Part S. Arcasm, part Insincere Dave - it's the totally unique character of Sarcastic Dave! Lived on the end of the news pages circa 2001, where he dispensed lashings of the lowest form of wit in the direction of the mini-bulletins.
Scooby Doo
You know: the famous cartoon dog that solves the crimes with his good friends Shaggy, Dan, Ralston and DeBarres. Shaggy, of course, got his name from being an expert at dancing The Shag - an old dance that you might like to ask your grandfather about. And then tell him to visit the Digitiser website in 1997, which is exactly what Scoob' would want him to do.
Sheila Wignall
You probably don't remember her, but Sheila Wignall is an old friend of your mother's. That's right - she's that woman who used to smell of gin and stale cigarettes. Do you remember that time when you came round her house and wet yourself while watching Doctor Who? She does!
Shigeru Miyamoto
The Nintendo legend dropped in on Digi in 2003 to give us some sneak previews of upcoming titles he was working on. For instance, the GameCube version of Mario Kart apparently featured him doing a voice-over saying such things as "Chutney-daddy!" and "Guff this way". A drop of his blood is mixed into every Nintendo cartridge, meaning he can never die.
Smilin' Peter
The much-misunderstood chicken that briefly replaced Fat Sow’s Friday rantings briefly before she was reinstated. This was mainly because a number of the idiots that gravitated towards Digi didn't "get" him, and took offence at what they thought he was saying. You see, Smilin' Peter employed something called irony, which many stupid people still fail to understand today. Irony, n. use of words to mean the exact opposite of what is said. Maybe that'll help, but I doubt it. Anyway, Peter reviewed the week's goings on in an editorial much like Fat Sow. Except that whereas Fat Sow was angry, Smilin' Peter was incredibly happy. Give him the worst news possible and he’d talk about it in the most enthusiastically glowing terms - albeit with the requisite hints that all was not what it seemed.
Smokin' Glenn Miller
The mag monkey that arrived on Digi in 1994, with a remit to "review" other games magazines at the weekend. Coming at a time when Digi were often getting into inter-publication disputes and making on-air jibes at other mags, Smokin’ Glenn Miller’s presence showed that they were more than happy to continue to "rub" their peers up the "wrong way".
The Snakes
The biggest ever craze to hit Digi, The Snakes are genuine superstars. Something of an accidental hit, these teenage Kiss FM-loving, street slang-spewing serpents first appeared on our screens in August 1998, popping up as a humble lone reveal in response to a reader questioning Digi's latest page move on Teletext. They were quickly promoted to multi-page reveal stories, though, with their rise - and fan mail - simply rocketing from there.

They've been responsible for some of Digi's most memorable moments with their class bantz and beatboxing performances, and the junior puffy-jacketed reptiles always bring the flava with the cussingest cuss to any skanks in the area. They even graduated to their own full-blown cartoon strips on Bubblegun, had puppets made of them for a Fox Kids pilot that was voiced by Phil Cornwell, featured briefly on Digitiser The Show, and inspired the alt.digitiser.snakes newsgroup offshoot (dubbed by Biffo as the 'official' Digi newsgroup - though probably only to annoy the alt.digitiser regulars).

The Snakes have featured in dozens of reveal-o-stories, including a string of appearances in which everything they said was in Digi-style "French" and "German", entitled "le snakes du Francais" - "Ich bin eine lichtenstein!"

Now you can enjoy some their appearances in full, many of which are right from the very beginning, guy. Bo!
Soccerman 2001
A long-forgotten weekend-o-guy from the time that was the time of the World Cup 1994 time. A little man with long arms and his very own song, which went a little something like this: "I play upon a ladle, a ladle, a ladle. I play upon a ladle and my name is Soccerman 2001 - That's my song!" Claimed to know all there was to know about the crying game of football games, and was therefore asked by His Holiness the Rone to host a little quiz about same.
Socky The Sock Puppet
A brief host of the weekend "Web-Up" page in 1998, Socky was a hand-puppet owned by children's entertainer Mr Ed Boneo. Socky would lament that - while he loved entertaining the kiddies - Boneo was not so happy with his lot, and was too drunk to stand most of the time. But no matter how bad things seemed, you could always visit the Digitiser website - like Socky, they were doing it for the kids.
Space Robot XJ7
One of the candidates for The Man's replacement when he was shot. Lives and works on the Star Ship Galactico, in the vicinity of Venus, where he performs many "services" that require a fleshy tongue-like attachment. Part of his election manifesto was that all humans must be crushed, so that may explain why he wasn't rapturously received by the Digi electorate. The rest of his manifesto? LEASEHOLD!
Stevens
Derring-do tips-guy from early 1994, who made it quite clear that the modern age was not for him. No - he pined for the old days when he was a space explorer in the pages of the "Beagle", battling his arch-enemy, the evil Melon. He was rather bitter about his current lot; in fact, presenting the tips for "this flappsy Teletext games mag" got right on his wick.
Stewpot
Oooh, he could smash some crepes - Ed "Stewpot" Stewart of TV's Crackerjack fame, appearing on Digitiser to introduce you to a feature about the worst games of 1995 for some reason.
Strangelove The Tramp
Strangelove is the embodiment of the affection that Digi feel towards trampkind. He sat on the tips page around the turn of the Millennium, unselfishly imparting his wisdom on obsucre subjects, providing you with his philosophy on life - including such insights as "trousers are rubbish", and "beware women". Best not to ask...
"String"
One of The Man's many celebrity pals, "String" stopped by in June 1994 to inform us that due to being a famous pop singer and police, he rarely has time to wash his hands. Imagine how embarrassing this is when asked to toss a salad for guests, only for them to discover a massive effigy of Charles Darwin he's been using in the lounge!
The Sun
Yes that's right, the actual sun - the star around which the ball of mud that we call home revolves. He made a few appearances here and there on the news round-up page, with typically "sunny" comments that had seemingly nothing to do with the news. "Happy happy! I give you life! Happy happy!"
Super Sour
The original blueprint for Nintendo's mascot, Super Sour appeared on the Digi tips pages for a week in April 1994. Apparently, he was rejected in favour of Mario after a pondlife incident. Bite him!
Mr. T
You'd better stay away from his bins, kids - it's the one and only Mr T! That's right: B.A. Baracas from The A-Team, you crazy damn fool.

Mr T has championed the causes of kids everywhere ever since his 1980s cartoon series. Coming from a tough background himself, he felt that he had to use his position as a popular muscle-bound, gold chain-lovin', mohicaned "baaadass", to help his semi-formed fans be all they could be. He did this by kicking seven bells out of bad guys and telling viewers to "stay in school" and "don't do drugs".

Somehow he found his way onto Digi in the mid '90s, and was gifted a platform from which to dispense his worthy advice once again. Having spent a few years out of the spotlight, this now mostly seemed to involve yelling at the local youths on the estate to stay away from his bins - sometimes even his garage - inspired by real life events wherein Mr Biffo was the "bin-warner".

A prominent character in Digitiser The Show, Mr T is a major Digi star and loved by all - especially Lewis. He has a wife - Mrs T - and a son - Mr U - who pops up when he's indisposed. Which is probably when he's eaten a drugged hamburger or chasing off a rogue Murdock.

You can see much T-stuffs: here.
T. Hadley
The Spandau-bloke arrived on Digi in 1994, busily baking his "teat wafers", and was very keen for you to send in your own sweet-cheat goodness.
The Tin Man
The metallic "woodsman" of Oz fame may not have a heart, but he certainly has his share of a certain other organ. A staple of Digi’s post-restoration days of 2003, he would regularly appear as a reveal-o to tell us about his innuendo-laden exploits - most notably describing his rusty chopper that needed rubbing so hard that the head would fly off. Even in a more lenient mood than usual as Digi neared its end, the sub editors of 2003 very much had their "hands full" with this "member" of the cast, and couldn’t help but get the red pen out on at least one occasion. One of Biffo’s favourite characters, he featured prominently in Digitiser The Show some 15 years on his from his debut.
Dr. Tina
Hosted the weekend round-up page in 1994. What with being a doctor and all, Tina gets to looks at loads of special pictures - pictures of people with ailments and disease. On the downside, though, she has to pefrorm like a dancing horse. So who's laughing now? Not her, that's for sure! Was recruited to the evil cult of Dr Derek Doctors, briefly becoming his assistant.
Top Cat
Don’t be alarmed - he’s been in a fort! TC’s sole Digi credit came in 1995, when he hosted Research Show, a special feature that he had to make up so many lies for that he was forced to do the whistling.
Tricky Dicky
One of the various Wicksys of EastEnders fame, Tricky Dicky briefly hosted the tips page in March 1994. His main concern was to set the record straight about his fictional self and his real life - he was at great pains to inform us that, while his character in the long-running TV soap may be a nasty brigand, he's not at all like that really, and is actually great. He's great!
Dr. Triv
Prepared to be cured, it’s the robot doctor from the future! Dr. Triv has travelled back in time to save his world by posing the question: the game question; which were in fact cures for various earthly ailments, developed in the future of medical science. Afflictions known to be cured of the Earthmen thanks to the game question include the rickets, the bladder contortions, and Polins’ Disease (no one knows who Polins is). Triv appeared at the weekend after the round-up, with three such poser-cures relating to the world of games, and looked kind of like a futuristic, metallic version of Dusty Bin from unpopular 80s ITV game show "3-2-1" with "Ted" Rogers. "Damn you, Dr. Triv!"
Turps
Don’t mess about, it’s ‘90s sensation Turps - from everyone’s favourite yellow cartoon family, The Thompsons! Made a lone appearance in 1994 requesting your tips, and was probably paid handsomely for it too.
Violent Rudi
Late-era news-commenter, with - as his name suggests - proclivities towards ultra-violence. No news story was safe from his destructive rage.
"Virtual" Eric
Funny little guy who looks a bit like that bloke from the future out of K. Reeves-me-do, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. It turned out that he was actually computer generated, created in order to host the quizzes which occasionally popped up at the weekend. This afforded him many excellent and impressive features, such as not needing to sleep. No - he simply downloaded his waking self into a special "buffer" and was therefore able to simulate the uselessness of sleeping without strictly doing it. Dude!
Wally Bong
Leader and emissary of the dreaded Space Gents, who are intent on invading our lovely planet. Only games-related-type people can hope to survive, as he asks the question on the questionnaire to see who is worthy. Any winners (of which there were none) were allowed to sit-out the invasion in Digi's underground Cumbrian bunker. Except they probably wouldn’t have got in anyway, what with it being stuffed to the guts with Bisto and orange Fruitangs, and stuff.
Warren Herring
During The Man's Daddy's stay in a mental institution he became quite delusional, believing that his dreams were being controlled by a giant fibreglass skunk named Warren Herring, which the staff had strapped him to. This resulted in Daddy begging The Man to help him to roll Warren Herring against a radiator and end the torture by thus killing his oversized monochrome oppressor. We later learned that the true Warren Herring was a neighbour of The Man’s, and a fearsome rival in local giant veg-growing circles.
WH Smith: Referee
Huss huss! Seconds out! WH Smith was here to officiate bouts of a gaming nature. Specifically: between rival formats at the dawn of the Super Console era in 1995. The rules were: 1. No watching them 2. No "hamming it up" 3. No watching it. His identical twin brother WH Auden later took over refereeing duties for the final round. Huss!
Willy Wonka
Yes: it really is the owner of the famous choc' fac' from the "titular" film! Took time out from making confectionary treats to appear on the Web-up page in 1998, informing us that the Digitiser website was in fact written by Oompa-Loompas. And that they're also the main ingredient of his choc'. What's that? His hair? No idea what you're talking about...
Wired Child
Naaaaaaah, mate, naaaaaah! It’s the Puffy Jacket that hosted the chart page from 1997 to 2000, taking over from Chart Cat. Forever hanging around arcades, playing the games, harassing strangers and trying to impress girls. Proceeded to tell you all of the latest puffy developments in his puffy life, whilst simultaneously managing to inform you of the week’s chart movements. It's quite a skill, especially for someone so constantly out of his head on alcopops and that. Daaaaaaark!
Wyatt Earp and Josef Engels
Schoolboy hosts of weekend lists of various stupid stuff in early 1995. They were a naughty pair that would get into all manner of "scrapes", and were the bane of teacher Mr Boiled's life with their zany antics. They were made to write the lists they hosted as punishment for their incorrigible "flaming pen"-style behaviour.
Yellow Samuel
This jolly yellow fellow came to us from the land of the Bumble-Wumblies with an important message: read the Digi website. The happy laughsters of his country love it so much that their civil servants are forced to read it an gunpoint.
Commander Zark Flynax
Highly deadly black tarantula! Don’t worry - it’s just a song!!!!!!!??!!! And as a member of the Altair IV Community Steel Band, one that Commander Zark Flynax no doubt loves to play while on tour all over the galaxy. If he gets to destroy the Digitiser website with his solar death ray in the process, well, so much the better.
Zombie Dave
Zombie Dave is among the most legendary - and infamous - of Digitiser characters. Debuting in 1998, he replaced Chester Fisho on the mini news page after his aquatic predecessor had been deemed to have veered too close to innuendo. In a subversive masterstroke, Mr Biffo used Zombie Dave to get even stronger filth past the unwitting Teletext sub-editors and on the air.

As a decaying member of the zombie horde, his strangulated, mournful moans were employed to pass comment on the day's news - outwardly they seemed like the innocent brainless vocalisations of the living dead, but on closer examination seemed to have some strange, deeper meaning. Can you decipher what he was saying? The Teletext subs certainly couldn't! "Zmbr Drrvv srrzzz shrtt thrrr frrgg rrrpp."

A number of examples of Dave's disguised profanity have been compiled for your amusement.

Have I meesed-up? Do you know of any characters that have been left out? Then get "on" to me by emailing superpage58@gmail.com right away, man, with their name and a description, so that this page may have its goodness value increased. Thanking-you-ta.

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