The Man With A Long Chin's Diary


Being A Barber


22 January 1996 - BEING A BARBER

I've decided to open up a barber's shop. I'm going to call it Head-Would Scissor-Cuts, which is funny, whilst at the same time communicating my intentions: to slit open men's hair.

I had trouble with my first client: I couldn't bear to touch his scalp. I pretended to cut his hair by making a "shh-shh" sound and melting it flat to his head with a heated fish-slice. He gave me £5, with a £2 tip. I made £7!

23 January 1996 - BEING A BARBER

I can't believe I'm a barber. This morning I had to shave an old man who was covered in leeches. He said he didn't want me to touch them, but I accidentally sprayed one with cologne and it dried up.

The old man was furious. He started kicking the underside of the sink and leaning right back in the chair. After a few minutes of this his jaw went slack and all the leeches fell off.

24 January 1996 - BEING A BARBER

I've been practising putting hair extensions in. It's really easy. You pull on the scalp with a hook and sew bits of wire under the muscle.

That way whenever they smile, the hair moves in a convincing manner.

My first client was Servalan out of Blake's 7, who has very short hair. The only way to attach the cables to her head was with a bracket. The end result was like something out of Minder!

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