The Man With A Long Chin's Diary


Fast-Food Franchise


22 February 1996 - FAST-FOOD FRANCHISE

I've got the franchise to run a fast-food bar called Burgeration.

As manager, it's my job to come up with money-saving ideas. The best ones I've had are to pad out the burger patties with pulped bracken, and to replace the lavatory paper with gloves out of the lost property cupboard.

I've also developed a new kind of pie filling made out of steamed denim.

25 February 1996 - FAST-FOOD FRANCHISE

I've been having problems with my catering droid, Ganymede 6.

Some toughs came in last night and ordered items he wasn't programmed to dispense, namely french bread pizzas and Nik-Naks.

In his confusion, my metal assistant sprayed powdered egg down their shirts and tried to pull their trousers off. Two of the toughs escaped unharmed, but a third froze to death in the toilets.

26 February 1996 - FAST-FOOD FRANCHISE

The police have advised me to replace my catering droid.

I've hired two howler monkeys called Pringle 1 and Pringle 2. Pringle 1's job is to do all the work, while the larger Pringle 2 entertains the punters by running around stealing their food and knocking plants over.

Most customers are terrified by Pringle 2's behaviour, and won't come in. I should explain that although Pringle 2 is very thin, he's almost 18-foot tall.

28 February 1996 - FAST-FOOD FRANCHISE

I've come up with some new meal concepts to entice customers into Burgeration.

Mmmm - get a smell of this: the Double Meat Path. Two patties of pure meat, topped with hard strips of chewing gum and fish paste.

Or how about a Big Slurry Voyage? A fillet of cured fat, wrapped in bay leaves, garnished with grated cuttlefish heads.


Here are even more of my new burger bar meal concepts:

The Dynamic Multi-Threat: two large saucers of whey protein, topped with alternate layers of cat hair and vitamin E.

The New Power Crust Compound: dinosaur-shaped nuggets of baked skunk pulp.

The Double Element Risk: fourteen parcels of bitter chitin bound together by grilled giraffe ligaments.


Here are even more of my new burger bar meal concepts:

The Double Victorian: flash-fried bubbles of stomach gas, plastered with soot and marinaded in a tasty cocktail of anti-biotics.

The Towering In-Fur-No: No fur here, but plenty of nutritious rat faces! We steam the faces until they're just so, and then we spray them with a powerful mixture of chocolate and bleach.


We had the health and safety inspectors round yesterday, and I've been forced to close Burgeration down.

Apparently they objected the large, automatic spider's web which I've constructed in cold storage.

As the inspectors entered, one of them became entangled in the web. The web activated its defences, removed the man's shirt and sprayed his front with giblets. He looked so funny!

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