Human Guinea Pig
31 January 1997 - HUMAN GUINEA PIG
I'm no longer rich, as a result of accidentally dropping my money in a vicar's toilet.
I'm not sad, though, for my new job is working as a human guinea pig. Last night the professor I'm working for, Mr Darren Dots, had me eat a lump of some new chemical he'd invented. I didn't mind at first, because it tasted like Ribena. However, I wasn't too happy when my thumb swelled up to the size of a mullet, and my eye dropped out and fell in a vicar's toilet!
1 February 1997 - HUMAN GUINEA PIG
Mr Darren Dots has been using me to test a new line of ladies' makeup. Last night he did my eyes with mascara, and my lippy-lips with a lovely shade of Evening Peach.
I felt wonderful, and wanted to show my new looks to the world! I ran across the laboratory, and flung open the door to the street. Everything was fine for about half a second, but as soon as the street air reacted to the makeup, my head started to inflate. It is now over three hundred feet in diameter.