16 July 1996 - IMAGE CONSULTANT
I've embarked on a career as an image consultant advising celebrities on how to dress and act in public.
My first client was former rock drummer Rangoll Start, who was worried that his career was being affected by his nose. My solution was to get him to wear a garden sprinkler on his back, so that ever time someone laughed at his nose it would look like he was turning into a river.
18 July 1996 - IMAGE CONSULTANT
I've been advising my most famous client yet: top TV fashion pundit Jeff Bench.
He'd been filming an item about shoes, and was worried he was coming across as too prudish. I advised him to take a more pro-active stance by making faces behind the models' backs and throwing chalk-dust into their faces as they ran past him.
20 July 1996 - IMAGE CONSULTANT
I've been contacted by ex-Munkie Peter Cork, who's become concerned that public respect for him has been eroded by his over-hanging lip.
I put forward a two-stage plan of action: firstly, that he should always keep a big wad of felt under his tongue to absorb any fluid he might ingest, and secondly, that the felt wad should be spat out across the table at the end of every meal.
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