15 February 2000 - INVESTIGATIVE REPORTER
I've got a new job as an investigative journalist presenting a new television show in which I expose crooks and con men. I have a hidden camera wired into a thick crop of bright red hair I have grown especially for the programme.
Unfortunately, there aren't many crooks in our area so I've been forced to stage some of the crimes I've been uncovering. Last night I filmed myself breaking into a police station and filling their helmets with sauce. Rest assured, the police will have access to this damning dossier of evidence.
16 February 2000 - INVESTIGATIVE REPORTER
Being a television undercover reporter is a lot of fun but sometimes it can be gruelling work. Last night I had to spend two years time infiltrating a mysterious society of so-called "schoolchildren".
Every day these strangely small people visited an ominous building, whereupon they'd be "educated" by strict adults into following a certain set of rules.
On one occasion my cover was nearly blown when I was forced to shower - naked - after double games. My camera was confiscated by Mr Kenny.
17 February 2000 - INVESTIGATIVE REPORTER
I'm going to have to stop being an undercover television reporter because I was attacked by a hippopotamus. There I was posing as a customer, trying to investigate an alleged dry cleaning scam at a local dry cleaners, when all of a sudden this hippo rushes at me, bites my hand and steps on my neck and runs away.
People don't tend to view hippos as dangerous compared to, say, rhinos or vampires, but I have the bruises to prove otherwise. I don't intend to risk such an attack ever happening again. I'm hanging up my hidden camera.