The Man With A Long Chin's Diary


Library Barbarian


25 August 1999 - LIBRARY BARBARIAN

I have a new job now working in our local library as a barbarian. At least, this was my understanding of the position, and so I turned up on my first day dressed in fresh animal skins, a helmet I stole from the British Museum, and wielding an axe.

Suffice to say, I was a trifle embarrassed to discover my colleagues wearing cardigans and slacks. Nevertheless, I swiftly set about my duties, slaughtering a horde of marauding Visigoths who'd returned a Barbara Cartland novel late, and were refusing to pay the fine.

26 August 1999 - LIBRARY BARBARIAN

Working as a barbarian in a library is hard work, but it can be rewarding. Last night I got to help myself to a chest of gold which had belonged to a Gaul, who'd returned late with his copy of Changing Rooms, by Linda Barker, and was quibbling over the fine.

Using my axe, I beheaded the Gaul and three of his tribesmen and staged a victory celebration in the children's book section, during which I roasted an ox and danced naked around a fire. Unfortunately, I was told to keep the noise down, by my superior Mrs Lawson.

27 August 1999 - LIBRARY BARBARIAN

I'm currently working in a library as a barbarian, but I'm having a few conflicts with my superior, Mrs Lawson. Apparently, it's no longer acceptable for me to bring my horse to work, or hang the severed heads of my enemies from the checking-out desk.

Also, Mrs Lawson says that it's against the council's policy on discrimination for me to slaughter every Pict, Gaul, Celt or Visigoth who walks through the door. I did point out that many of my victims were returning books late, but this didn't appear to wash with the stone-faced Mrs Lawson.

28 August 1999 - LIBRARY BARBARIAN

I think I'm going to have to leave my job as a barbarian at this library, as my superior, Mrs Lawson, has taken exception to the bodies I've impaled on spikes in the cookery books section.

She claims they're a health risk, and wouldn't listen to my protestations that they were there to discourage our enemies, and ward off evil spirits. She has suspended me without pay, but I've already taken my terrible revenge: I scratched my house keys down the side of her car.

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