The Man With A Long Chin's Diary


Minnie The Monkey


18 November 1998 - MINNIE THE MONKEY

I've left my job at the brown sauce factory, and bought myself a proboscis monkey called Minnie, with whom I intend to have adventures.

I took Minnie down the social club last night, and tried to keep him hidden under my overcoat. You can imagine the scrapes I got into! For instance, the minute I got in there, Minnie started going insane, bit me, escaped from my coat, leapt onto the bar, hospitalised a barmaid, broke a mirror, and had to be shot by the manager. I laughed and laughed for hours!

19 November 1998 - MINNIE THE MONKEY

My proboscis monkey, Minnie, has returned from the vet, and is recovering nicely following his shooting at the hands of an irate publican who Minnie had tried to bite.

Even though Minnie is very weak at the moment, we've been getting into all manner of hilarious scrapes! Last night, for instance, I had a couple of bishops round for tea. You can imagine their surprise when I went to pour the tea into their cup and Minnie shot up the wall from behind the sofa, and "did the business" on their necks!

20 November 1998 - MINNIE THE MONKEY

I've been getting into all sort of scrapes with my proboscis monkey, Minnie. Last night I was hanging my washing out, when I realised I'd forgotten to the close the back door. Before I had a chance to react, Minnie had shot out of the house, and over the fence into my neighbour's garden.

Next thing I know, Minnie had somehow gotten into his house, attacked his mother, knocked over a rubber plant which made a terrible mess, and "done the business" on my neighbour's sofa. I laughed for hours!

21 November 1998 - MINNIE THE MONKEY

I've had to have Minnie The Monkey put to sleep after I discovered he had contracted a monkey virus, which can be passed onto humans, causing mild skin irritation and slightly swollen ankles for a day or so.

After the vet had administered the blow to the head and thrown Minnie into the incinerator, I held a wake in my back garden which was attended by myself and the vet. The vet gave a moving oration, asking what he was doing there when he should have been at work. After this, I cried for hours.

23 November 1998 - GHOST MONKEY

Though my pet monkey Minnie is dead and incinerated, I was visited last night by the ghost of Minnie who, let me tell you is as much of a handful as when he was alive!

That cheeky proboscis monkey ghost ran around my bedroom like a nutter, making an awful mess of my dressing table, and pulling clothes out of my wardrobe. I managed to get the ghost Minnie to calm down eventually by calling a priest to perform an exorcism. You should have seen the look on Minnie's face when he was sent to Hell for all Eternity!

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