Pixie Hunter
10/10/98-15/10/98
10 October 1998 - PIXIE HUNTER
I've got a new job as the council Pixie Hunter. It's my job to roam the town searching for pixies, elves and other fantasy creatures of diminished stature, and when I find them I smash them up with a cricket bat.
It's already going well - last night I cornered a couple of leprechauns in an alley and showed them that this is one borough that won't tolerate their crock of gold/rainbow/four-leaf-clover-style antics. No amount of "begorrahs" could stop them from receiving the thrashing of their stupid, fantasy lives.
13 October 1998 - PIXIE HUNTER
My employers have given me a whole bag-full of specialist tools to assist with my fairy-destroying job specifications. The tools include a new claw-headed hammer, a couple of bricks, a sock full of snooker balls, a petrol bomb, a pointed stick, a pair of handcuffs and a hacksaw.
I've also taken to wearing a T-shirt bearing the legend: "FAIRIES, PIXIES, ELVES: SOON TO DIE (BY MY HAND)". That should show them who's boss.
15 October 1998 - PIXIE HUNTER
The council has hired me for an extra-special task: exterminate all the hobbits in the borough. Using a book from the library, entitled The Hobbit by JR Hartley, I successfully identified a family of hobbits living inside a toadstool.
I crept up on the 'stool, and moved into position. I counted to five, then brought my foot down on it with such force that the bottom of my shoe imploded. My subsequent trip to the hospital netted me six stitches.
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