5 November 1997 - ROMANCE GUIDE
Because I'm such a hit with the ladies, I've been asked to put together a guide to wooing ladies, and how to get them to marry you, and that. Try any of the following wooing lines for instant results:
1) Would you like to hold my hand?
2) Have you ever had bad asthma?
3) Do you like Doctor Pepper?
4) I know where babies come from.
5) Get in the car.
6) I've just run over your husband.
6 November 1997 - ROMANCE GUIDE
One of the most important aspects of romancing ladies is your appearance. You can't expect them to fancy you if you've just come straight from the local coal mine.
For instant results, try wearing a pair of baggy trousers and a flouncy shirt, and stuff the arms and legs with liver. Hopefully she'll think you've got really big muscles. If this doesn't work, tell her you have a glandular disorder which causes you to swell (a useful lie at other times, too).
7 November 1997 - ROMANCE GUIDE
Getting a lady to love you is one of the most difficult things in the world. Make the right impression by taking her for an exciting and unusual night out.
If your intended is a posh bird, try taking her fox hunting. If she's a bit common, suggest a trip to a jellied eel factory. If you're not too sure whether she's posh or not, give her the best of both worlds by staging a fox hunt at a jellied eel factory.
8 November 1997 - ROMANCE GUIDE
When you've successfully wooed a lady, the next stage is getting her to marry you. The lady is more likely to agree if you propose to her in a unique fashion.
Try hiding the engagement ring inside a trout, and order her to cut it free, or you could try throwing the ring up her exhaust pipe. When she stops the car to inspect the rattling she'll have a lovely surprise. Failing that, a diamond ring at the bottom of a jar of olives can be an attractive proposition.