22 August 2000 - SCI-FI CONVENTION
I've got a new job working at a science fiction convention. It's not a bad job, but sometimes I want to get a big axe and run through the crowds of sci-fi geeks, twirling it around my head with gay abandon.
Yesterday I had to supervise the Dave "Darth Vader" Prowse signing session. At least twice I had to defend Mr Dave from angry geeks, who wanted to know why he'd cut off Luke Skywalker's hand. Mr Prowse was polite enough, but when one of the geeks tried to put a bucket on his head, he grabbed a neon light fitting and smashed it round his face.
23 August 2000 - SCI-FI CONVENTION
It's real hard work being one of the officials at a science fiction convention. Take yesterday, for instance; I had to spend half an hour trying to coax Jeremy Bulloch - who played Boba Fett in Star Wars - out of the toilet, after some fans said they'd released a wolf into the hall.
Then Kenny Baker - who played R2-D2 - fell down the back of a sofa, and nearly suffocated. Finally, the guy who played Chewbacca got the runs after eating a Death Star-shaped cake one of the fans had given him.
24 August 2000 - SCI-FI CONVENTION
I've had enough of working at this sci-fi convention. Yesterday I somehow got sucked into a two hour long conversation on whether Universal Soldier II was out on DVD or not. When I eventually told the guy that I didn't want to continue the conversation, he got narky and started accusing me of wanting to kill Jean Claude Van Damme.
I tried to walk away, but he just followed me around the hall, demanding to know what Jean Claude had ever done to me, and insisting that I probably hated Dolph Lundgren too.