The Man With A Long Chin's Diary


Summer Holiday/Fantasy Kingdom


31 July 1999 - SUMMER HOLIDAY

It's time for my summer holidays, and I'm very excited. This year I'm planning a week on the English Riviera, whatever that is. I've packed everything I'll need for the week: towels, flannels, a dishcloth, tea towels, an oily rag, jaycloth and a mop.

I've also prepared a hearty packed lunch for my journey down there. It comprises: two horseradish sandwiches, horseradish, pitted olives, anchovies in oil, tuna, crabsticks, boiled crab and milk.

2 August 1999 - SUMMER HOLIDAY

I'm on my summer holiday, so it's no more working for a week or two. I went down to the beach this morning, but it was too early and the sun wasn't up yet. I went back to bed for four hours until dawn, and then went back to the beach.

Unfortunately, the tide was in, so I had to sunbathe on the road. This resulted in my being hit by a lorry, and I was required to visit hospital. Hospital is great: you don't have to do anything. They even give you a bath if you pretend to be incapacitated!

3 August 1999 - SUMMER HOLIDAY

While on my summer holiday, I accidentally got transported to the fantasy kingdom of P'ha P'kar. It's great here, though I've been studying maps and can't quite work out where I am. To the north is the frozen land of B'rrrrrrg'tch'k, while to west are the deserts of T'rer're'l.

A mile up the road is the imposing walled Citadel Of T'D'Sd'R, while just past The Forest Of Death, is The Slitted Frog Inn. However, I went there last night and got so drunk I hit a strange old man for trying to offer me a quest. Subsequently, I have been barred.

4 August 1999 - FANTASY KINGDOM

I'm trapped in a fantasy kingdom, which is ruled by an undead barbarian called Lord Sethrissssss. In his bedroom is a fairy, which he keeps trapped in a birdcage. Slowly but surely, Lord Sethrissssss is draining the fairy's magic power and using it for evil - to turn this once-beautiful land into a twisted shambolic mockery of it's former glory.

I did briefly consider breaking into his castle and freeing the fairy, but I then realised that I might get hurt or even killed, so I decided to stay in the pub and get drunk instead.

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