'The different bit at the back'
Girl Talk: Is Your Boyfriend A Video Game Addict?
Edge #147, March 2005
Video games!!!! They're everywhere. Shops!!!!!! Homes. Bags!!!! They're literally everywhere. And, as any girl knows, when it comes to spending time your boys it's those pesky games which pose more of a threat to your relationship than insecurity and teenage pregnancy!!!!!!!!!?!!!
If you're worried your boyf may be spending more time with Lara Croft than you, Not Quite 18 Magazine sets out to help by posing the question - Is Your Boyfriend A Video Game Addict?!?!?!?! Find out in this easy-to-answer questionnaire!!!!!!!
1. It's your birthday, and your boyfriend has promised you a night on the town. Does he:
a) Take you for a romantic meal, followed by a moonlit walk through the park
b) Take you to the cinema, but plays Solitaire on his phone throughout
c) Tell you he's changed his mind about going out, and hands you your birthday present - a lurid Ms Pac-Man costume, with a built-in easy to open butt-flap and peephole bustier
2. Your boyfriend meets your parents for the first time. Does he:
a) Turn up in an immaculate suit, with a box of chocolates for your mum, and minds his manners the entire time
b) Belches the Sonic The Hedgehog theme music after drinking a cup of coffee
c) Turn up wearing nothing but a pair of swimming trunks, with the title of every Mario game scrawled over his body in marker pen
3. You are both trapped in a lift. Does your boyfriend:
a) Press the emergency button, and then calmly wait for help to arrive
b) Assure you that someone will be along to rescue you shortly - most likely someone who looks like that bloke out of Splinter Cell
c) Start trying to remove the control panel, because the problem is likely to be nothing more serious than a malfunction in a circuit board designed like a sliding block puzzle
4. What do you feel is the weakest aspect of your relationship?
a) You don't spend enough time listening to each other's problems
b) He doesn't spend enough time listening to your problems
c) He doesn't spend enough time listening to your problems, and he keeps asking you to wear a lurid Ms Pac-Man costume, with a built-in easy to open butt-flap and peephole bustier
5. You talk to your boyfriend about your hopes for the future of your relationship. Does he:
a) Hold your hand, and assures you that he wants the same as you
b) Insist that he will always have feelings for you, so long as you give each other space to pursue your own interests
c) Laugh in your face, and say that he could never spend his life with someone who doesn't know the difference between Link and Zelda, and then start jumping around the furniture, shovelling handfuls of hallucinatory mushrooms into his moustachioed gob, while shouting that he's becoming 'super'
6. What is your boyfriend's best attribute?
a) His sense of humour
b) His manual dexterity
c) His SSX Tricky tattoo
Mr Biffo co-founded Digitiser, Channel 4's Teletext-based videogames section, and now writes mainly for television
Do you know of any important moments from the annals of Digi history that have been omitted? If so, then mail me (firstname.lastname@example.org) right now, man. Credit will be duly given for anything that gets put up.