Why do they bother? That's right: game-licence movies. In the beginning the weasely, besuited money men were finding the newly-discovered resource of computer gaming to be chock full of potentially lucrative franchising opportunities. The very fact that Super Mario Brothers was among the first of these atrocities to reach us can only strengthen this view. All they had to do was slap the Mario brand on it and sprinkle in a number of semi-familiar elements, and they had a surefire blockbuster. Except: it wasn't. This turned out to be because the general public recognised how much of a pig's hole of a film it was, and stayed away in their droves. Its failure in no way provided the tourniquet needed to stop the rushing flow of P. Stringfellow-ugly game/film hybrid freaks, with the likes of Double Dragon, Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat all being forced down our convulsing gullets. Meanwhile, the Tomb Raider adaptation promised much, leading Digi to reveal the screenplay for the first block-shifting, puzzle-solving mammary-fest...
INT. CURIOUSLY ANGULAR UNDERGROUND CAVE
(A young woman with an overly-endowed chest, wearing absurdly tight hotpants, slides into view down a perfect 45-degree solid granite slope. At the bottom of the slope is a small medical kit. She shuffles astride it and bends down to pick it up.)
LARA CROFT: Hmm.
(A leopard bounds out of the darkness. Lara produces two pistols, and performs a backflip. Disastrously, she lands on the slope, and slides down into the path of the leopard.
(The leopard runs into Lara's legs, causing them to expel jets of crimson blood. Lara tries to back up, but gets confused, and is trapped in a corner. She performs a forward somersault, turns and shoots the leopard dead.)
LARA CROFT: Unh!
(She approaches a large gate in the wall of the cave. She stands before an oversized keyhole, momentarily unsure what to do.)
LARA CROFT: No.
(Lara runs towards a deep chasm. As she approaches the edge, she jumps and stretches her arms out in an effort to reach the opposite side. She misses, and falls.)
LARA CROFT: Eeeeeeeeeeeee!
(She lands in a crumpled heap among bleached skulls. Seconds later, she's back again at the top of the cliff. Her second attempt to cross the chasm succeeds. She steps through an arch, and the screen fades to black.)
INT. ANCIENT TEMPLE
(Fade in. Lara appears before an ancient underground temple. Suddenly, she is attacked by an eagle.)
LARA CROFT: Unh!
(She produces a shotgun and kills the bird. She runs behind a pillar and discovers several shotgun bullets on the ground. She retrieves them.)
LARA CROFT: Hmm.
(Lara enters the temple.
(The entrance to the temple is blocked by a huge concrete cube. Lara pushes it forward.)
LARA CROFT: Unh! Uh-unh!
(The shifted block reveals a previously hidden passageway, leading to a room containing curiously-marked floor panels. Lara steps on one, and it collapses, sending her plummeting into a set of underfloor spikes.)
LARA CROFT: Eeeeeeeeeeeee!
(Fade in. Lara reappears before the mysterious room. Having worked out the correct sequence in the room, she crosses stepping only on safe panels.
(As she reaches the other side, the exit slams shut, and a golden statue of some guy with a spear comes to life. Lara somersaults around the room, occasionally colliding with objects, and finding herself facing walls, while simultaneously trying to shoot the golden idol.)
LARA CROFT: Unh!
(After several futile attempts to kill the golden idol, Lara starts running around the room looking for some sort of switch, or something.
(Unable to do so, she freezes motionless, while the letters "Q.U.I.T" appear, and hang mysteriously in mid-air for several seconds before being replaced by a Windows 95 desktop.
(Cue end credits.)
INT. TOMB
LARA CROFT'S ENEMY: Ha ha ha! Lara Croft will never stop me now! I'll steal this golden moon thing, and become king of the world!
LARA CROFT: No.
LARA CROFT'S ENEMY: What the...? Lara Croft? Here? But I saw you fall down that slope on to some spikes!
LARA CROFT: Hmm.
LARA CROFT'S ENEMY: Bah!
INT. TOMB
LARA CROFT'S ENEMY: I must run away from Lara Croft, lest she shoot me for stealing this big golden ankh.
LARA CROFT: No.
LARA CROFT'S ENEMY: Lara Croft! But where did you come from?!
LARA CROFT: Hmm.
LARA CROFT'S ENEMY: Gah! I give up! I can't handle your razor-sharp wit, or your sassy girl-powered attitude, and positive female role-model-ness.
INT. LARA CROFT'S MANSION
LARA CROFT: Hmm.
LARA CROFT'S BUTLER: Madam, would you like a cup of AFTERNOON TEA, and some ENGLISH QUEEN BISCUITS?
LARA CROFT: No.
LARA CROFT'S BUTLER: Then can I interest you in a slice of this UNION JACK-SHAPED CAKE? Or, perhaps, one of these EDIBLE ENGLISH BEATLE CRUMPETS?
LARA CROFT: NO.
INT. LARA CROFT'S MANSION
LARA CROFT: Yes.
LARA CROFT'S BUTLER: Pardon, madam? Were you talking to me?
LARA CROFT: Hmmm.
LARA CROFT'S BUTLER: I'm sorry - was that a Yes you were, or a No you weren't?
LARA CROFT: Hmm.
LARA CROFT'S BUTLER: I understand.
Do you know of any important moments from the annals of Digi history that have been omitted? If so, then mail me (superpage58@gmail.com) right now, man. Credit will be duly given for anything that gets put up.
