Department Store Santa
17 December 1997 - DEPARTMENT STORE SANTA
My attempts to modernise the tradition of Father Christmas aren't going down too well with my employers. Yesterday, dressed in a frogman's outfit, I marched around the toy section of the store hitting children on the head with an inflated rubber glove, and inviting them into my grotto to receive a gift.
Apparently, several of the mothers complained. They said the tone of my voice was "sinister and threatening". What do those hideous, painted heffers know about being Santa? Nothing.
18 December 1997 - DEPARTMENT STORE SANTA
My attempts to modernise the tradition of Father Christmas have failed. My employers have forced me to wear a traditional Santa outfit. But that won't stop me from doing my bit to spice things up a little.
I've had my voice surgically altered so that I now speak like a Dalek, and when a kid comes in and tells me what he wants for Christmas, I get up and start throwing myself against the walls of the grotto. A few kids have been scared, but most of them just don't know what's going on.