The Man's Daddy

The master himself - The Man's Daddy appeared to us completely unannounced one day when we least expected it. Over the next week his incredible skill for telling disjointed jokes that made no sense won him quite a number of followers. People wrote in asking for more, but after appearing just a few more times he was gone, with Digi insiting that "The Man's Daddy has to go away now, and he's never coming back." Of course this turned out not to be entirely true, as early in 1998 he made a most-welcome comeback appearance, and reappeared every now and then for the rest of Digi's run. Hurray for The Man's Daddy!

 

  • QUESTION: Doctor, doctor, I feel like a sort of bra-size!

    ANSWER: Then get to the back of the 34C!


  • QUESTION: Two donkeys go into a pub. When they get in, what do they order?

    ANSWER: Chicken.


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man with a crab for a nose, diamonds for eyes, and a bag for a gob?

    ANSWER: Ole Shiny.


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man with a cat for a car, and a dog for a truck?

    ANSWER: Dom' pet vehicle-er!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man with one arm and no sternum?

    ANSWER: A Dalek!


  • QUESTION: Where does Santa Claus live?

    ANSWER: A swigloo!


  • QUESTION: What do you wear to a ball?

    ANSWER: A footman's wig!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man with bread and butter pudding on his head?

    ANSWER: Pudding Gentleman Type B!


  • QUESTION: What do you wish for?

    ANSWER: That your dad was as fun as me!


  • QUESTION: Why do bees buzz?

    ANSWER: Because they're not properly tuned in!


  • QUESTION: How do swans float?

    ANSWER: They're full of gas!


  • QUESTION: Why does Batman wear a cape?

    ANSWER: For when he's out "capering" and buying "masking tape"!


  • QUESTION: Why do Scottish people have ginger hair and pale skin?

    ANSWER: Because they're evil mutants!


  • QUESTION: Where does Grant Mitchell keep his gun?

    ANSWER: Up his sleevies!


  • QUESTION: Why do burglars wear striped sweatshirts?

    ANSWER: So they can pretend to be alien bumble bees if they get caught!


  • QUESTION: What sort of noise does Medusa make when she blows off?

    ANSWER: Sss-ttrrtt-trrrtt-sssss!


  • QUESTION: What sort of noise does Grant Mitchell make when he blows off?

    ANSWER: Parp!


  • QUESTION: Why do birds fly south for the winter?

    ANSWER: Because in the winter, in the north, a giant robot called the Bird-Killer comes out and tries to kill the birds, so they fly south to evade it.


  • QUESTION: Why are monkeys so cheeky?

    ANSWER: They just are.


  • QUESTION: What do you call giant bats?

    ANSWER: Super Beast 47!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man with spaghetti all over his belly?

    ANSWER: Silly-Belly Spag-Bol!


  • QUESTION: Why do so many old people wear cardigans?

    ANSWER: To stop 'em shiverin'!


  • QUESTION: What do elephants eat in a posh restaurant?

    ANSWER: Trunkuss soup!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a scientist with a white face and dark brown fingers?

    ANSWER: Doctor Pudding!


  • QUESTION: What magazine do puffins subscribe to?

    ANSWER: Puffer-Time!


  • QUESTION: Why do woolly mammoths have tusks?

    ANSWER: They're knitting needles!


  • QUESTION: What do you get if you cross a cat with a dart and a mat with a tan?

    ANSWER: Catdart Mattan / Katherine Hepburn.


  • QUESTION: What do you call a guy with a car for sale?

    ANSWER: Four wheel-away!


  • QUESTION: What do three horses say to each other?

    ANSWER: Neigh, neigh, and thrice neigh!


  • QUESTION: Why does Superman wear his pants outside his trousers?

    ANSWER: He's a pervert!


  • QUESTION: What do ducks eat in a Chinese restaurant?

    ANSWER: Peking Duck (it's not really duck)!


  • QUESTION: What were the members of Radiohead doing hiding in the boot of a car?

    ANSWER: They were kidnapped and tied up by a stalker, but he went out to get a packet of fags and they managed to escape. They fled to a supermarket car park where they hid in the boot of a car in case he came looking for them.


  • QUESTION: What do you call a Cowboy who wears a bowler?

    ANSWER: Bowleroo!


  • QUESTION: What do you get if you cross a vicar with a bowleroo?

    ANSWER: Rooster Hour!


  • QUESTION: Where does Neil Armstrong go on holiday?

    ANSWER: The London Planetarium!


  • QUESTION: What are the main ingredients of shepherds pie?

    ANSWER: Lots of sheep in a circle!

    Biffo has brought it to my attention that the above joke was "censored" for broadcast by the Digi sub-editors. The "Special Edition" is below:-

  • QUESTION: What are the main ingredients of shepherds pie?

    ANSWER: Sherrif's hair and poo!


  • QUESTION: What do ghosts have for breakfast?

    ANSWER: Grave(stone)y!


  • QUESTION: What is Count Dracula's favourite food?

    ANSWER: Shepherds pie!


  • QUESTION: What sort of choc biscuits do penguins eat?

    ANSWER: Pen-tasters!


  • QUESTION: Where do tortoises go during winter time?

    ANSWER: Marlowe Zoo!


  • QUESTION: What do you get if you cross a crow with a space hopper?

    ANSWER: Crow-stuss!


  • QUESTION: What time is it when an elephant explodes in your garden?

    ANSWER: Time to laugh!


  • QUESTION: Who is the presenter of TV's "Question Time"?

    ANSWER: Mr P. Zenter!


  • QUESTION: How did the scientist break his time machine?

    ANSWER: He attacked it with a hose!


  • QUESTION: How did Sting get his name?

    ANSWER: He was involved in a "sting" operation along with some beekeepers.


  • QUESTION: How did Michael Stripe out of R.E.M. get his name?

    ANSWER: He wore a lot of striped cardigans.


  • QUESTION: Where do dodos live?

    ANSWER: Graves!


  • QUESTION: What is the king of the pigs called?

    ANSWER: King Pig-u (Pingu)!


  • QUESTION: What is a vicar's favourite magazine?

    ANSWER: Priest Control!


  • QUESTION: Who does Paul Weller look like?

    ANSWER: My friend's dad!


  • QUESTION: What did Father Christmas say when he got stuck up the chimney?

    ANSWER: I'll be alright.


  • QUESTION: Why do you always think about skinheads in the bath?

    ANSWER: It's because skinheads are looking in the window.


  • QUESTION: Why did the bison do tricks?

    ANSWER: It worked for Trick-fards!


  • QUESTION: Why was it that the nuclear power station could not achieve fission?

    ANSWER: Because the power station operator had gone fission (fishin')!


  • QUESTION: Why did the burglar stop?

    ANSWER: He had a massive heart attack!


  • QUESTION: What sort of cars do space dragons drive?

    ANSWER: Drag-stars!


  • QUESTION: Why do babies cry?

    ANSWER: Because wasps might be about!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who likes drinking gin beside Scottish lakes?

    ANSWER: I-Like Gin-Ness!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a straight-talking man with prunes on his head?

    ANSWER: Frank Prune-oh!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who takes Christmas trees wherever he goes?

    ANSWER: Spruce Bring-keen!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who was awarded a grant to grow peas in his yard, and he did such a good job of it that he became rich?

    ANSWER: Rich-yard "Pea" Grant!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who used his grant to buy lots of wells?

    ANSWER: Grant Much-well!


  • QUESTION: And what about his brother who filled the holes in?

    ANSWER: Fill Much-well!


  • QUESTION: How does a chicken do morse code?

    ANSWER: Cluck-cluck-cluuuuck-cluck!


  • QUESTION: Why did the strap explode?

    ANSWER: Because the "bee" "sting".


  • QUESTION: Why did the accused murderer admit to his crimes, and then forget who he was?

    ANSWER: He was the absent-minded confessor!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a woman who lives on a newly-surfaced road near a Scottish lake, gets cross, but uses yoga to calm down?

    ANSWER: Ness-tar Rant-zen!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who is awarded a government grant to develop a new colour of paint?

    ANSWER: Hue Grant!


  • QUESTION: Where do drunk wasps live?

    ANSWER: Drunkston Hive!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a French golfer?

    ANSWER: Golf Paris (Rolf Harris)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call the king of the fabric wasps?

    ANSWER: King Cloth-bee (Bing Crosby)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call an idiot who has one hit record because of some stupid jeans advert, and thinks he's David Bowie?

    ANSWER: Jaz Mann (out of Babylon Zoo)!


  • QUESTION: Where do bats live?

    ANSWER: In Batman's trousers!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who has rabies, and tries to get rid of it by going out in the morning in a pair of clogs, and sucks dew off his lawn, but gets stung by a bee?

    ANSWER: Rabid (David) Dew-clog-bee (Duchovny)!


  • QUESTION: Why do wasps and bees have stripes like that?

    ANSWER: Because they're "bee-lines" (felines)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a felt seller who drives her van into a loch?

    ANSWER: Van-Ness-her (Vanessa) Felt (Feltz)!


  • QUESTION: What is the fastest land animal?

    ANSWER: Superdog!


  • QUESTION: Who is the strongest man in the world?

    ANSWER: Prince Philip!


  • QUESTION: Who is the tallest man in the world?

    ANSWER: The Man In The Moon!


  • QUESTION: What sort of dance do bees do best?

    ANSWER: The Hive (Jive)!


  • QUESTION: Which pop groups do bees like?

    ANSWER: Paul Bee-Cartney and Wings! They also like Sting and R BEE M.


  • QUESTION: What do you call a fish with a dog's face, the body of a dog, the legs of a dog, and the sting of a wasp?

    ANSWER: I dunno - but I'm gettin' outta here!!!!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a crow with the looks of JFK, the diplomatic skills of George Washington and the experience of Ronald Reagan?

    ANSWER: Ronald Pres-crow!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a Wookiee who smokes a pipe?

    ANSWER: Tobacco (Chewbacca)!


  • QUESTION: What happened when Jabba The Hutt lost his temper with his favourite headgear?

    ANSWER: He "stabba" the "hatt"!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a dark Jedi who gives coalfires marks out of ten?

    ANSWER: "Hearth Grader" (Darth Vader)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a girl who kneels in animal droppings?

    ANSWER: Dog-mess kneeler (Princess Leia)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a spaceman with only one hand?

    ANSWER: "Hand" Solo!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a spaceman who only eats ham?

    ANSWER: "Ham" Solo!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a Klingon who eats human hair?

    ANSWER: K'Paq Kh'ruth!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a Klingon who lives with Frank Bruno?

    ANSWER: Pa'h Khrun Bruno K'taqh!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a Klingon with webbed feet?

    ANSWER: H'run'h Kh'lda P'qah T'hrun!


  • QUESTION: Why did the dancer rub muscle relaxant into his hair?

    ANSWER: Because he wanted to achieve a "supple" new look!


  • QUESTION: Where do elephants live?

    ANSWER: Trunkton!


  • QUESTION: What was The Beatles' favourite food?

    ANSWER: Hamburg-ers!


  • QUESTION: Why was the patron refused entry to the kissin' club?

    ANSWER: He had coldsores!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who suffocates people with cornflakes?

    ANSWER: A menace!


  • QUESTION: Why is the end nozzle bit of an elephant's trunk pink?

    ANSWER: A pink guy lives up there!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who owns a sawmill which employs a fox as a doorman?

    ANSWER: Fox Mill-door!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a woman whose skull becomes transparent during the day?

    ANSWER: Day-no Skully.

    Again, with the sub-editors! Here's how the last two should have read (thanks, Biffo):-

  • QUESTION: What do you call an Asian man who owns a sawmill which employs a fox as a doorman?

    ANSWER: Asian Fox Mill-door!


  • QUESTION: What do you call an Asian woman whose skull becomes transparent during the day?

    ANSWER: Asian Day-no Skully.


  • QUESTION: What does Fox Mulder eat?

    ANSWER: Fox food!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a Frenchman who helps people across the road?

    ANSWER: Jean-Pierre Lollypopman!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a German fireman?

    ANSWER: Fritz Hose-down!


  • QUESTION: What do you call an Englishman who gets everything wrong?

    ANSWER: John Smith - The English Idiot!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who watches videos during the day, and bows down at the end of them, but always wets himself when he does so?

    ANSWER: Day-vid Bow-wee (David Bowie)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who just knelt down in some dog mess?

    ANSWER: Knelt-on Pong (Elton John)!


  • QUESTION: Why do dogs "bark"?

    ANSWER: Because the tree "leaves"!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who aims at his knee with a knife to remove the hair on the knee, and then uses that hair to make unique works of art?

    ANSWER: Aim-knee Hairy-Art (Ainsley Harriot)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a very dull man who keeps a collection of model cars in his attic?

    ANSWER: Bore-us Car-Loft (Boris Karloff)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a foreign person who, while on holiday with his grandmother, doesn't understand a question about wine, and so chooses to return to his hotel room alone, but must first get the room key from his grandmother?

    ANSWER: Que? Vin? Key-gran (Kevin Keegan)!


  • QUESTION: What do footballers drink?

    ANSWER: Coca-Goaler (Coca-Cola)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who shows his friends pictures of himself and his wife on holiday at Cheddar Gorge?

    ANSWER: Gorge Look-us (George Lucas)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a young boy who shows his father a flat piece of wood upon which he has drawn a very scary face?

    ANSWER: Scary-son Board (Harrison Ford)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a woman whose voice is of a similar pitch to that of the noise elephants make?

    ANSWER: El-tone Joan (Elton John)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who damaged the cartilage in his knee by pulling a nearby muscle?

    ANSWER: Pull My-cart'-knee (Paul McCartney)!


  • "This bloke walks into a pub, and he says to the barman: 'Barman, get me three beers!' The barman says to him: 'Three beers, sir? But there's only one of you!'

    "So the guy says: 'Yes. One beer for me, and one each for my invisible friends.' So the barman says: 'Invisible friends, sir, but...' Wait a minute. I've got it wrong - this isn't a joke, but a true story about my tragic Uncle Jim."


  • QUESTION: What do beetles give each other at Christmas?

    ANSWER: Beetlejuice videos!


  • QUESTION: What is Godzilla's favourite film?

    ANSWER: Godzilla Vs Mothra, of course!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who breeds giant wasps?

    ANSWER: Lord Bee!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who has such bad skin that it gives him vertigo?

    ANSWER: Wart Dizzy (Walt Disney)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who puts signs up in a field?

    ANSWER: Sign-field (Seinfeld)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who spends eternity peeling oranges?

    ANSWER: Eon Peel (Ian Beale)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a Red Indian girl who is very knowledgeable about things?

    ANSWER: Indian Anna-Jo Knows (Indiana Jones)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a boy whose father is just four years old?

    ANSWER: Harry-son Four-da' (Harrison Ford)!


  • QUESTION:What you cal a fat alien vampire hunter?

    ANSWER: Stabba Their Heart (Jabba The Hutt)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call an animal who doesn't know whether it's a small fish, or a bit of bacon?

    ANSWER: A rind-or-sea-horse (a rhinocerous)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a city whose residents are cleaning a ton of dirty clothes in an effort to prevent a virulent plague?

    ANSWER: Washing-ton Disease (Wahington DC)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who gets very angry if anyone steals his underwear?

    ANSWER: Knickerless Rage (the actor Nicholas Cage)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a British female singer, who threatens to knee someone in the face, and then chooses to let them go free?

    ANSWER: Brit-knee Spares (Britney Spears)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a female singer who has found a strand of something, but doesn't know what?

    ANSWER: My-Wire-Or Hair-Y (Mariah Carey)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who has yet to pay his phone bill?

    ANSWER: My-Call Owing (Michael Owen)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who doesn't like the night, and starts his day with a bowl of muesli?

    ANSWER: Day-Man All-Bran (Damon Albarn)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a supermodel who is an expert on selling used cars?

    ANSWER: Car-Price (Caprice)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a woman who goes to her favourite seaside town and just looks at people?

    ANSWER: Margate Watcher (Margaret Thatcher)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man about whom it is unknown whether he intends to consume a pile of hay or not?

    ANSWER: Will-he-yum Hay-Guy (William Hague)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a pantomime about a burger-loving, denim-clad teacher, who has been careless while wiping the blackboard?

    ANSWER: Big Mac And The Jeans Chalk (Jack And The Beanstalk)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a phosphorescent evangelist who keeps his Bibles in his bedside cabinet?

    ANSWER: Glow-Bright And The Heaven Drawers (Snow White And The Seven Dwarves)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a pantomime about gangsta dudes?

    ANSWER: Boyz In Da Hood (Babes In The Wood).


  • QUESTION: What do you call a pantomime about a store detective for a leading chain of pharmacists, who manages to guess which felon has fouled his store?

    ANSWER: Poo-suss In Boots (Puss In Boots)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a Welshman who resurfaces jetties and quaysides for a living?

    ANSWER: Dock-tar Hugh (Doctor Who)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who sat down for dinner and found his veg, cheese and stock were covered in horrible tar?

    ANSWER: Pea-tar Gray-brie-hell (Peter Gabriel)!


  • QUESTION: Which member of the Beatles likes lemons?

    ANSWER: George "lemon" Harrison!


  • QUESTION: What do you call an unmarried woman, who is employed as a road resurfacer, and has a very clever little boy?

    ANSWER: Miss-tar Brain-son (Mr Bronson)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who owns a car which is covered in asphalt, and is the ruler of all poultry?

    ANSWER: Tar-car Hen-king (Tucker Jenkins)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a father who has invented a generator which runs on stationery and beverages?

    ANSWER: Da' Tea-pen Watts (Dirty Den Watts)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a wasp who has invented a device for ships, which incorporates both a warning horn and a tethering device?

    ANSWER: Bee Anchor-Klaxon (Bianca Jackson)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who is missing the central joint in his legs, and has an aching desire to be a chicken?

    ANSWER: Toe-Knee Be-hen (Tony Benn)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a woman who likes to visit Sri Lanka once a year and pretends to be a wasp?

    ANSWER: Ceylon Be-on (Celine Dion)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a TV show about a small rodent who hosts a dinner party at which the main course is little bits of game bird?

    ANSWER: Vole's Grouse-part Tea (Noel's House Party)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a TV show about my groovy pony called Lawrence going hiking with a waterfowl?

    ANSWER: My Cool Larry Horse's Hiking Ducky (Michael Barrymore's Strike It Lucky)!!!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a TV show about a teacher who wins a competition but then discovers he owes the competition organiser - a billed bird sent crazy by carbonated drinks - a small fee?

    ANSWER: Sir-prize Surcharge Fizz Silly Duck (Surprise Surprise With Cilla Black)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a TV show about a small covered trolley?

    ANSWER: Cart-Sheet (Heartbeat)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a TV show about the sad plight of a poor wasp who has become wedged in small gap?

    ANSWER: Hole-bee Pity (Holby City)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a TV show about a Welshman's vintage model railway set?

    ANSWER: Hugh's Steam Trains (You've Been Framed)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who gets cross when he is prevented from Frenchying some asphalt?

    ANSWER: Kiss Tar-Rant (Chris Tarrant)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who cleans up the autumnal mess in his garden - but only in the hours between dawn and dusk - only to find it getting stuck in wet asphalt?

    ANSWER: Day-Leaves Tar-Have-It (Dave Lee Travis)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who can drag 2,240lbs, but only when he's underwater?

    ANSWER: Pull Mer-ton (Paul Merton)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who stole 2,240lbs of OUR wasps by dragging them out of our waspery?

    ANSWER: Anger-us Bee-ton (Angus Deaton)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a woman who drives a car filled with a sticky viscous liquid made by bees and who thinks it's wonderful?

    ANSWER: Glory! A Honey-Ford (Gloria Hunniford)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a woman who drives a car onto 2,240lbs of instruments used to unlock doors?

    ANSWER: Car-on Key-ton (Caron Keaton)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who wears a pair of stupid glasses made out of picture surrounds?

    ANSWER: Frames See Quirk (James T Kirk)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who sees some asphalt near a wharf, and rings his parrot to tell it?

    ANSWER: Dock-tar Phones Macaw (Doctor "Bones" McCoy)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who performs a lewd joke, illustrated using a gammon steak?

    ANSWER: Ham So-Low (Han Solo)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a woman whose children have children, and whose surname is Murphy, but whose second husband is one Mr Parkinson?

    ANSWER: Gran Murph'-Parkin' (Grand Moff Tarkin)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call an Essex girl who owns a mobile hotdog and shoe polishing business?

    ANSWER: Sharon's Van Frank 'n' Shine (Baron von Frankenstein)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a young horse with a disease which causes horrible lumps to appear on its scalp?

    ANSWER: Foal Head-Mounds (Noel Edmonds)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who is in mourning because someone he loves was killed by a clothes peg blown into their face by a freak tornado?

    ANSWER: Grief Peg-Wind (Keith Chegwin)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a book about a pair of shrieking cows who teach their family to dance?

    ANSWER: Two-squealer Rocking-Herd (To Kill A Mockingbird)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a book about a blind sculptor who makes statues of people's faces by videoing them, and then playing the video back and touching the screen?

    ANSWER: Play-vid Copy-feel (David Copperfield)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a book about a computer operator whose workstation is plunged into darkness by the Millennium Bug?

    ANSWER: Brian, The Glitch, And The Lightbulb (The Lion, The Witch, And The Wardrobe)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a book about the actor Ving Rhames having his seaside picnic spoiled by insects?

    ANSWER: Rhames And The Pie-Ant Beach (James And The Giant Peach)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call an android adjudicating officer who decorates the sycamores in his garden with girls' toys?

    ANSWER: Ro-Judge Doll-Tree (Roger Daltrey)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a little, round, green man who posts garden tools to his friends?

    ANSWER: Pea Trowel-Send (Pete Townsend)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a couple who enjoy day-trips to France to purchase metal girders?

    ANSWER: Ferry and I-Beam (Terry and Irene)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who does dirties on large-nibbed felt-tipped pens?

    ANSWER: Marker Fouler (Mark Fowler)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who makes shirts for a living, and makes a shirt for someone, but forgets to put the arms on, and promises that he'll do it later?

    ANSWER: Sleeve Owing (Steve Owen)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who keeps his Chinese condiments in a replica of the Afterlife?

    ANSWER: Soy Heavens (Roy Evans)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a book about a Welsh SAS soldier who hates womens' underwear and thinks he's a Roman Emperor?

    ANSWER: Bra-foe Huw Nero (Bravo Two Zero)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a book about a woman who likes to build things over rivers and who calls her milkman to check on delivery times?

    ANSWER: Bridge-it Phones Dairy (Bridget Jones' Diary)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a cow who is a lawyer-for-hire who stands in a hole in the ground from which people usually drink, and goes to toilet in it?

    ANSWER: Law-rent Loo-Well-In Bovine (Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a sulking man who inhales a load of skin flakes?

    ANSWER: Dust-in Huff-man (Dustin Hoffman)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who bites a female sheep expecting it to taste like gammon, and then when it doesn't he punishes his male child?

    ANSWER: Ham-Ewe-Hell Smack-son (Samuel L. Jackson)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who passes an English exam by making a new word by adding the fifth letter of the alphabet to the end of the word "spit"?

    ANSWER: E-on Right (Ian Wright)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man called the male equivalent of Leanne, who is in love with a female seagull, and hums her a love song as he presents her with a gift of a vehicle?

    ANSWER: Lee-hum Gull-her-car (Liam Gallagher)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who doesn't believe in Satan, and drives around in a car with a female seagull?

    ANSWER: No-Hell Gull-her-car (Noel Gallagher - Liam's brother).


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who has no lower part of his face, and won't stretch out on the floor?

    ANSWER: Jaw-non Lay-non (John Lennon)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a woman who wants to make an omelette, but drops her only egg down a drain?

    ANSWER: Yolk-go Oh-No (Yoko Ono)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who dresses his window ledges - believing them to be female - in underwear, and who has recently been given a building to keep horses in?

    ANSWER: Sill-vest-her Stall-own (Sylvester Stallone)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who has to have microphones everywhere he goes, otherwise he'll gnash his teeth?

    ANSWER: Mic-all Bite (Michael Knight)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who eats a Greek sandwich on top of a large mound?

    ANSWER: Hill Chew-Pittas (Phill Jupitus)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who is waiting for the formation of an office dedicated to overseeing the distribution of firm seating?

    ANSWER: Chair-hard Dept. Due (Gerard Depardieu)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a Frenchman whose girlfriend, Dee Dee, has bought him a hat from Brazil that he's not very keen on?

    ANSWER: Le non du Dee's Cap Rio (Leonardo DiCaprio)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a computer-generated man who can't decide what vehicle to use to visit the Queen?

    ANSWER: Tron Mall-go-which (John Malkovich)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a cute girl who wins a prize for using a roundabout more times than anyone else?

    ANSWER: Win-on-a Ride-aaah (Winona Ryder)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call someone who owns an antler-bearing ruminent mammal, and is being viewed by close-circuit television?

    ANSWER: Camera-on Deer-has (Cameron Diaz)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who has a stinking male child, and a female child called Amanda, who owns a four-wheeled road vehicle?

    ANSWER: Smell-son Mandy-car (Nelson Mandela)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man whose life is made a misery by his own idiocy, and has just cleaned himself?

    ANSWER: Dense-hell Washing-done (Denzel Washington)!


  • QUESTION: Why did the wasp sting the delivery boy?

    ANSWER: Because the boy was a stingston!


  • QUESTION: Where do seagulls go during the winter?

    ANSWER: The Valley Of Bronson-warm!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man with a beard down only one side of his face?

    ANSWER: Halfen Fuzz!


  • QUESTION: What do you get if you pump a Cornish pasty full of helium?

    ANSWER: A high voice-inducing cake!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who thinks pigs are dogs, dogs are ice-creams, and ice-creams are icebergs?

    ANSWER: Helios 7!


  • QUESTION: Why do snowmen melt?

    ANSWER: Because the wind "blue"!


  • QUESTION: What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a coathanger?

    ANSWER: The Leap-uss Hang-me-do!


  • QUESTION: What was the wasp's favourite food?

    ANSWER: Stingy pie!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a giant cat with a fork sticking out of its head?

    ANSWER: Ms Feline Cutler!


  • QUESTION: Why is the planet Mars so red?

    ANSWER: Because lots of ginger-haired people live there!


  • QUESTION: Why do pelicans have such baggy gobs?

    ANSWER: So they can disguise themselves as butterfly nets!


  • QUESTION: What do albino cats drink?

    ANSWER: Ink!


  • QUESTION: What do you get if you cross a bus driver with a hippy?

    ANSWER: The Age Of Aquari-BUS!


  • QUESTION: What did the big clock say to the little clock?

    ANSWER: Klokkkk!


  • QUESTION: What did the lemon farmer say to the orange salesman?

    ANSWER: Cit-russssss!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who delivers papier-mache to nuns?

    ANSWER: Hanover VII!


  • QUESTION: Why did the giraffe choke on a hat?

    ANSWER: He thought it was a nut!


  • QUESTION: What did the big policeman say to the little policeman?

    ANSWER: Go west, my son!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a woman who opens the champagne before her party guests have even arrived?

    ANSWER: Fizz Early (Liz Hurley)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who, upon seeing a re-animated skeleton, is so scared that he vomits on his rug?

    ANSWER: Mat-hue Skelly (Matthew Kelly)!


  • QUESTION: Where do Rasta bees live?

    ANSWER: The Wasp Indies!


  • QUESTION: If I fathered a child with the former guitarist from The Smiths, and when he reached the age of 13 I broke his legs, what would he be called?

    ANSWER: Marr-teen My-crutch-son (Martine McCutcheon)!


  • QUESTION: What did the grizzly bear buy at the market?

    ANSWER: A brake!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a woman whose home is furnished with nothing but a cup of beverage which has a pair of cowboy horse-spikers in it?

    ANSWER: Spur-tea Sparse (Sporty Spice)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who boils his female siblings in a kettle, and then inherits a lot of money?

    ANSWER: Brew-sis Will-sis (Bruce Willis)!


  • QUESTION: Why did the dog dig a hole and bury his owner?

    ANSWER: His owner was Boneo out of U2!


  • QUESTION: Where do aviators go to have their lunch?

    ANSWER: A place called The Cloud Club!


  • QUESTION: How did the elephant cover his tracks?

    ANSWER: Using a broom and some dust!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a special time of the year which is used to remove liquid from your favourite niche plants?

    ANSWER: Cress-Moss Dry (Christmas Day)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a special day when the residents of Buckinghamshire attempt to evaporate the contents of their fountain pens?

    ANSWER: Bucks-Ink Dry (Boxing Day)!


  • QUESTION: Why does Spider-Man have big white eyes?

    ANSWER: He mistook a pot of Tippex for Optrex!


  • QUESTION: Why does Superman wear a big red cape?

    ANSWER: To distract attention from his stupid pants!


  • QUESTION: What goes "hut-hut-huuussss"?

    ANSWER: The Clow-Clow!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who keeps on making a mess when he slices bread, even though his wife tells him not to?

    ANSWER: Further Crust-mess (Father Christmas)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a beast who dips its paw into a barrel of pitch, and then drags them along the beach?

    ANSWER: Sand-tar Claws (Santa Claus)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who owns a chain of bakeries, but ends up going bankrupt, after replacing the pastries with a selection of ancient water jugs and tin cans?

    ANSWER: Gourd-can Wenzels-loss (Good King Wenceslas)!


  • QUESTION: Why did the partridge fall out of the pear tree?

    ANSWER: Strong wind make partridge go cuckoo and then fall down!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a woman who greets her grandmother by bowing and then giving her an expensive watch?

    ANSWER: Hello-Nana Bow-nan Cartier (Helena Bonham Carter)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who makes police car siren noises while filling a tin up with mud?

    ANSWER: Can-Earth Ner-Ner (Kenneth Brannagh)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a boxer who opens an exclusive exotic shark meat restaurant in a little side street?

    ANSWER: More-hammerhead Alley (Mohammed Ali)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a footballer who owns an electric undershirt, that must be powered up overnight?

    ANSWER: Charge Vest (George Best)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a footballer who watches videos during the hours of sunlight, while munching on a solid lump of cooked bacon?

    ANSWER: Day-vid Block-ham (David Beckham)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a lady pop star who lets people sit on her?

    ANSWER: Chair (Cher)! Allegedly.


  • QUESTION: How do you know when there's an elephant in the fridge?

    ANSWER: There's dung in your milk!


  • QUESTION: How do you know if there's an elephant under you bed?

    ANSWER: His trunk keeps touching you!


  • QUESTION: How many elephants can you get in the back of a VW Beetle?

    ANSWER: Not too many, I hope - my angling gear is in there!


  • QUESTION: What do vampires have for breakfast?

    ANSWER: Blood-Snax!


  • QUESTION: How do you know when there's a ghost in your fridge?

    ANSWER: When it's very cold in there!


  • QUESTION: How do you get a zombie to jump through a hoop?

    ANSWER: Offer it a few words of encouragement, or point a gun at it!


  • QUESTION: Why did the alien driver eat the policeman's hat?

    ANSWER: He thought it was a meal!


  • QUESTION: What did the alien do when the policeman accused him of speeding?

    ANSWER: He pretended to choke on a chrysalis!


  • QUESTION: Why did the alien shiver when the policeman shouted at him?

    ANSWER: He was drunk and scared!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a dark Jedi Knight, who runs around going "Brrm! Brrm!"?

    ANSWER: Car Vader (Darth Vader)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call an insect who turns from a caterpillar into a patch of fuzzy foliage?

    ANSWER: A moss (a moth)!


  • QUESTION: Where do trees shop?

    ANSWER: Roots (Boots)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a dark Jedi Knight, who runs around going "Brrm! Brrm!"?

    ANSWER: Car Vader (Darth Vader)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call an insect who turns from a caterpillar into a patch of fuzzy foliage?

    ANSWER: A moss (a moth)!


  • QUESTION: Where do trees shop?

    ANSWER: Roots (Boots)!


  • QUESTION: What happens if you cross a church with a ferris wheel?

    ANSWER: Revolving fonts!


  • QUESTION: What happens if you choke on a chrysalis?

    ANSWER: Bessie the Moth comes out of your nose!


  • QUESTION: Where do crows go on holiday?

    ANSWER: A "crow-liday" park!


  • QUESTION: What happens if you cross an ostrich with a handbag?

    ANSWER: You get an ost-bag!


  • QUESTION: What did the big tumble dryer say to the little tumble dryer?

    ANSWER: Sssssth! Ssssssthrrrrrr! Sssss! Ssssthrrrrr! Thrrrrrr!


  • QUESTION: Where do policemen go on holiday?

    ANSWER: Helmet Land!


  • QUESTION: What happened when the man confused his dynamo with a cactus?

    ANSWER: He got "spindle-hands"!


  • QUESTION: Why do bats sleep on the roofs of caves?

    ANSWER: Because they're blind and can't find their beds!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a gorilla with no ears?

    ANSWER: Gus Soundless!


  • QUESTION: What happened when the Oscar statue was eaten by a skunk?

    ANSWER: He won the Smellston Award!


  • QUESTION: Why did the Mexican puff pepper up the mastodon's nozzle?

    ANSWER: Because he thought it was a prehistoric baguette!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a monkey with mustard on his hands?

    ANSWER: Poupon 7!


  • QUESTION: What happened when the policeman ate a spinning top?

    ANSWER: He became PC Revolver!


  • QUESTION: How many workers in a felt tipped pen factory does it take to change a lightbulb?

    ANSWER: Just one. The others have to get on with making the pens!


  • QUESTION: Why did the orange stop?

    ANSWER: It was swallowed by a vortex!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a bird who is made out of tissue paper?

    ANSWER: Rustle-Crow (Russel Crowe)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who gets angry when he sees super-computers, and spends his waking hours watching films on tape?

    ANSWER: Cray-Grrr Day-vid (Craig David - the R&B sensation)!


  • QUESTION: What happens if you cross a kangaroo with a flower?

    ANSWER: You get a big, smelly 'roo!


  • QUESTION: What happened when the artist set out to draw pictures of Australian mammals on bathroom fittings?

    ANSWER: He did a 'roo in the toilet!


  • QUESTION: What did the customs official find down the Australian animal smuggler's trousers?

    ANSWER: There was 'roo in his pants!


  • QUESTION: Why did the dessert-eating man burn his mouth?

    ANSWER: He got his CUSTARD powder confused with MUSTARD powder.


  • QUESTION: Why did the other dessert-eating man burn his mouth?

    ANSWER: He got his DESSERT confused with a DESERT, and tried to eat the desert, and, unfortunately, the sand was very hot.


  • QUESTION: What happened to the chef who served his guests a wasp pie?

    ANSWER: SSSSSTUNGGGGG!!!!!


  • QUESTION: What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a pearly king?

    ANSWER: A new type of mar-suit-pearl!


  • QUESTION: How many moths does it take to change a lightbulb?

    ANSWER: Moths can't do that.


  • QUESTION: What happened when the elephant tried to get inside a tumble dryer?

    ANSWER: It died!


  • QUESTION: Where does Leonardo di Caprio go for his holidays?

    ANSWER: The Beach!


  • QUESTION: What sort of hamburgers do policemen eat?

    ANSWER: Big Cells (Big Macs)!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a man with a cast-iron throat, that's covered in moss?

    ANSWER: Thorax Steel!


  • QUESTION: What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cotton bud?

    ANSWER: Leapin' buds!


  • QUESTION: How many leapin' buds does it take to change a lightbulb?

    ANSWER: N-n-n-nineteen!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a Spanish robot with a swan's head?

    ANSWER: Senor Cygnet Electro!


  • QUESTION: What happens if a wagon wheel falls off a wall onto your head?

    ANSWER: You get "wagon concussed"!


  • QUESTION: What did the big blackbird say to the little blackbird?

    ANSWER: "Burd"!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a drunken lady who is so desperate for booze that she's taken to inhaling the fumes from a bottle of spirits, and has only small, chalky sweets to eat, which - OH! She has just dropped!

    ANSWER: Gin-sniffer Low-Pez (Jennifer Lopez)!


  • QUESTION: Who is your favourite James Bond actor?

    ANSWER: Rory DeBarres!


  • QUESTION: What do you call a bald popstar who has a fat wasp as a pet, whose pelt he keeps trimmed with a tiny lawnmower?

    ANSWER: Mow-bee (Moby)!


  • QUESTION: What do you get if you cross a policeman with a bungalow?

    ANSWER: PC One-floor!


  • QUESTION: What's your favourite sweet?

    ANSWER: Refreshers!


  • QUESTION: What happens if you thrust a hosepipe into a beehive and turn it on full blast?

    ANSWER: The Jetson Wasps (Jackson 5)!


  • QUESTION: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of trousers and a cape?

    ANSWER: To freak out his opponent!


  • QUESTION: What's your favourite drink?

    ANSWER: Mushed yams!


  • QUESTION: Why did the police sergeant swallow a twenty pence piece?

    ANSWER: He was Copper Coin!


  • QUESTION: Why did Picasso cut off his ear with a knife?

    ANSWER: He was trying to slice his head!


  • QUESTION: What's your favourite song?

    ANSWER: In The Ghetto - by Elvis!


  • QUESTION: What did the big policeman say to the little policeman?

    ANSWER: Get out of my shoe!


  • QUESTION: What happens if you cross-pollinate a mulberry bush with an old oak tree?

    ANSWER: Mulbe-ston!


  • QUESTION: What did the Eskimo have for his dinner?

    ANSWER: Seal eyes!


  • QUESTION: What did the fat barber say to the thin barber?

    ANSWER: Stop hiding behind my stick!


  • QUESTION: What happens if you get a wasp, stick it to the top of a spoon, and rub it against a window?

    ANSWER: Bee-glazing!


  • QUESTION: What is your favourite magazine?

    ANSWER: Power Zone!


  • QUESTION: What did the Eskimo use to stop ants getting into his igloo, and crawling on his seals?

    ANSWER: Seal-ant (sealant)!


  • QUESTION: What did the big zookeeper say to the little zookeeper?

    ANSWER: Stop going in that thimble!


  • QUESTION: Where do Eskimos go to toilet?

    ANSWER: Eski-holes!


  • "Once upon a time Luke Skywalker had a job in a shop that made signs using big letters. His boss was Ben Kenobi. Once Luke had to put away the unused letters.

    "Unfortunately, there were so many spare letter 'U's that he couldn't get the drawer closed. He asked his boss, Ben Kenobi, for advice. And do you know what his advice was? Force the 'U's, Luke! Do you get it? It sounds a bit like 'Use the Force'!"


  • "One day, the Invisible Man was painting his fence, when another man, Richard, came along. From Richard's point of view it appeared as if the fence was painting itself!

    "While this in itself is very amusing, the really funny thing is that the Invisible Man then started painting Richard's trousers, and also threw a bucket of gunge, and a piece of coal at him! Hahah! Brilliant!"


  • QUESTION: What did the big fisherman say to the litte fisherman?

    ANSWER: Stop hiding in that bucket!


  • QUESTION: What happens if you cross-pollinate a tulip with a dandelion?

    ANSWER: Dande-lips!


  • QUESTION: What did the Zulu warrior have in his packed lunch?

    ANSWER: Dande-lips!


  • "There was this Eskimo who went into a fish and chip shop and ordered cod and chips twice.

    "Well, the person that worked in the fish and chip shop wasn't very happy when - after handing over two portions of fish and chips - the man threw them back at him. He'd actually ordered 'cotton clips', but the person serving him had misheard! Pretty funny, yeah?"


  • QUESTION: What happened when Batman's car broke down?

    ANSWER: He phoned Robin, but Robin was out with his mates, and Batman had to flag down another car - and it was being driven by Superman!


  • QUESTION: Which bird sounds like a carrot?

    ANSWER: A carro' (a crow)!


  • QUESTION: Why did the elephant bark?

    ANSWER: He was a dogruss!


  • QUESTION: What happened when Superman blew on a whistle?

    ANSWER: He blew so hard that the little dried pea thing inside burst! Yes IT ACTUALLY BURST!


  • QUESTION: Which bird sounds like a load of fire-retarding bubbles?

    ANSWER: A foamer!


  • QUESTION: Why did the orphan mewl?

    ANSWER: The beadle had knocked over his gruel!


  • QUESTION: Which whistle-blower couldn't get out of his house to release the state secrets?

    ANSWER: Edward Snowed-in (Snowden).


  • QUESTION: What's another word for snow?

    ANSWER: Land-milk.


  • QUESTION: What is the coldest part of a snowman's body?

    ANSWER: His "snow-vard"!


  • QUESTION: Where do bees get their eyes tested?

    ANSWER: At the waspticians (opticians)


  • QUESTION: What do you call a prude who has a bugle for a snood?

    ANSWER: Telemicus-9-9-8!


  • QUESTION: How many Beliebers does it take to change a lightbulb?

    ANSWER: Just-in-finity (Justin Bieber reference, yeah?)


  • QUESTION: Who was the most foul-mouthed Egyptian pharaoh?

    ANSWER: Gordon Rameses (Ramsey).


  • QUESTION: Why are you always having dreams that you work in an office?

    ANSWER: Because you work in an office.


  • QUESTION: Why does Luke Skywalker enjoy drinking milk from a monster's boob?

    ANSWER: Because he's a pervert.


    The Man's Jokes

    The Man started telling jokes shortly after we learnt that his daddy would apparently never return, which was eventually disproved. Digi must have missed being able to tell these warped jokes, prompting The Man to gush a number of them in the style of his daddy. And... here they are:

  • QUESTION: Why do whistles go "wheeee"?

    ANSWER: Air blows through them


  • QUESTION: What did the man say to the waiter?

    ANSWER: "Hello Dude"!


  • QUESTION: Where do cats come from?

    ANSWER: Andrew Lloyd Webber's "Cats"!


  • QUESTION: Why did the chicken stop?

    ANSWER: Because it was restricted!


  • QUESTION: Why did the doctor observe the patient?

    ANSWER: No one knows that


  • QUESTION: Why did the train blow smoke?

    ANSWER: Because it had nothing else to do, of course!


    The Man's Excellent Observational Comedy

  • Have you ever noticed that when a car full of pessimists collides with a car full of optimists, that an implosion occurs? Also, when a lorry full of chickens overturns on a motorway, and we hear about it on the news, are the "chickens" actually human cowards?


  • Have you ever noticed that when you throw an egg at your cat, you can only actually hit it in the face about three out of ten times? And have you ever noticed that some doctors are shorter than you? I ask you - how are you supposed to have any respect for someone who’s shorter than you are? It’s madness I tell you! Cu! Cu!


     

    The Humility Bit

    Thanks to everyone that's mailed me with their lovely support, and especially to those that have sent in some of the Man's Daddy jokes that you've just read. Look: Jonathan Cundey, Marc Billyack, J. Will and S.C.Virgo - thanks for helping to stuff new material down the slacks of this site. Why, it's so touching it almost makes me want to clasp my sternum!


    Do you know any of the much-sought-after early Man's Daddy Jokes? If you do mail me superpage58@gmail.com with it right now, man.

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