1 JANUARY 2018 - TIME MACHINE
I've got a new job as the pilot of a time machine. Last night I took it on a test drive to the year 1993 AD – AKA cowboy times.
I was immediately arrested by the town sheriff, Omar Sherrif, for not wearing a 10-gallon hat. Unfortunately, I'd misread the memo from my bosses, and had worn a "tern-galleon" hat – a hat in the shape of a Spanish galleon which was full of dead Arctic terns.
They didn't even back down when I offered up my terns of surrender!!!!!!
2 JANUARY 2018 - TIME MACHINE
Travelling through time is a lot of fun, but also fraught with troubles. For instance, yesterday I went back to meet Buddha, who had me tossed out of his chamber for greeting him by saying "Buddha-bing, Buddha-boom"!
Apparently, his monks thought I was being disrespectful by shouting this in his face while simultaneously jiggling his big, fat belly, and patting him on the head like Benny Hill used to do to that little bald man.
I hope they all go to Hell.