4 February 1998 - BALLOON ATTEMPT
I've decided to float around the world in a big balloon. My special friend and I have built a balloon out of lots of those posh silver balloons you get for weddings and 18th birthdays and stuff.
The basket we will be living in for eight days is actually a motorbike and sidecar inside a tent. There should be enough room in there for us, some water and biscuits, a couple of cushions and a big box of felt tip pens. If we get bored we can do felt tip tattoos on each other's chests.
5 February 1998 - BALLOON ATTEMPT
My attempt to float around the world in a big balloon hit a snag last night when thieves broke into my garden shed and stole my mower. Unfortunately, they left the shed door open, and the wind blew my balloon out of the shed and into my neighbour's garden.
I'm waiting for permission to go into his garden to get the balloon back. The trouble is, my neighbour doesn't like me much because I once called his wife "kidney". I just hope he doesn't try to burst my balloon with his new garden fork.
6 February 1998 - BALLOON ATTEMPT
My attempts to float around the world in a big balloon are once again in jeopardy. Last night, as we laid it out in the front garden, our balloon was snatched by a gang of local urchins off the estate, and dragged down the street.
We gave chase, but are too old and fat to have caught up with them. We eventually discovered the balloon stapled to the back of a Big Issue salesman in the precinct. He refused to hand it over unless we bought a copy of his so-called "magazine".
7 February 1998 - BALLOON ATTEMPT
I fear I shall have to abandon my trans-global balloon attempt. Civil aviation authorities have written to inform me that many of my plans for my voyage are illegal under international law.
Apparently, I won’t be allowed to throw darts out of the balloon, or drop Marxist propaganda over Canada. In addition, I'm told I'll be shot down if a bare backside is spotted hanging over the side of the basket. I'm having discussions with them, but I don't feel particularly confident.