The Man With A Long Chin's Diary


Big-Uddered Cow


2 September 1998 - BIG-UDDERED COW

My freak show has closed down, but I have unexpectedly taken receipt of a genetically engineered cow, which is 90% udders. The swollen, veiny udder sac is some twenty feet in diameter, while the cow's head and body is no more than one foot in circumference.

I call her "Milky", and for now I'm keeping her in my kitchen. Unfortunately, the vicar's coming for tea tonight, and I understand he's got a phobia of udders. Uh-oh!

3 September 1998 - BIG-UDDERED COW

Things didn't go too well last night when the vicar came round for tea. When I remembered vicar's phobia of cow's udders, I tried to hide my genetically-engineered giant-uddered cow, Milky, behind the sofa.

Unfortunately, Milky's udder is so huge that it pushed the sofa right out. Poor vicar had to sit with his knees touching the opposite wall. Also, Milky found it terribly uncomfortable behind the sofa and kept emitting a haunting, mournful, lowing sound.

4 September 1998 - BIG-UDDERED COW

I've built a shed in the garden to house my giant-uddered cow, Milky. Trouble is, word has gotten out about Milky, and I went into the shed this morning to find a gang of kids from the estate jumping up and down on her.

Within minutes I was literally up to my knees in milk. I told the kids to get out, but they threatened me with a broken alcopops bottle and revealed that they'd never had so much fun.

5 September 1998 - BIG-UDDERED COW

Milky, my giant-uddered cow, is a very good cow indeed. She never complains, not even when it's milking time. Sometimes milking her can be a trifle problematic due to the size of her massive, swollen udders. On occasion I have tied a rope around one, and hired a tug-of-war team to pull on it.

Another time I tried to use a mechanical digger, but that just made her sore. My biggest problem now is what to do with all the milk. It's no use to me: I'm lactose intolerant!

7 September 1998 - BIG-UDDERED COW

At the weekend I entered Milky, my giant uddered cow, into an animal competition. With her gigantic, oversized udders spurting milk whenever she breathed, I felt sure she would win a prize.

Unfortunately, the first prize went to Warren Herring and his dog with bow legs. Second prize was awarded to Odin Svensson's slack-jawed crow. All Milky managed was a polite round of applause from the crowd after the judge described her as "mangy".

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