16 August 1996 - BOXING CAREER
I kick off my new boxing career with my first fight at the Old Bull And Gym.
My opponent, Susan Essss, is a fierce fighter, famous for punching people so hard their eyes cave in like porcelain jugs and they are thereafter tainted with the stink o' death.
My fight-plan is to really give him a good smack in the mouth with a steel rafter, then kick his body until it falls apart. Then go down in the 4th.
17 August 1996 - BOXING CAREER
My first professional fight against Susan Essss went exactly to plan.
He dodged and dived, weaved and deceived, but I chucked a horseshoe in his face when the judges weren't looking and psyched him out by shouting "YOU MUST DIE!" in his ear.
When he hit the deck I flung a chair at his prone, gibbering body: I win! My next fight is against Susan's big brother, Sheila Arrrrrr.