The Man With A Long Chin's Diary


Giant Catcher


22 August 1996 - GIANT CATCHER

Having realised the true, violent nature of boxing, I've hung up my gloves.

I've decided to pursue a more worthwhile avenue of misadventure, and a stop to the giants which are terrorising our little village.

For the past six months, giants have been wandering down from the hills at night, and rummaging through our trash cans and pants drawers. I've bought a big net to catch them with.

23 August 1996 - GIANT CATCHER

I'm planning to stop a tribe of hill giants who have been terrorising my village.

At every road junction I've placed giant traps - colourful bins filled with a pungent powder. I'm hoping the giants will investigate the source of the terrible smells, and whilst they're looking in the bins I'm going to run them through with a halberd.

It might sound archaic to me and you, but it doesn't to them.

24 August 1996 - GIANT CATCHER

I've captured my first giant, who I caught emptying his car ashtray into a bush.

As he was about to light up again, I smacked him on the head with a couple of nuts. I've put him in my loft for the time being, which probably isn't a very good idea, because he looks at me through a hole in the ceiling whilst I'm in bed.

If he looks for too long I throw sand in his mouth.

26 August 1996 - GIANT CATCHER

The giant I was keeping in my loft has escaped. Last night, two of his giant friends turned up at my house disguised as my parents, and pushed past me to free him.

Before I knew what was happening, they'd got the loft hatch open, pulled him down and legged it.

The terrible incident has stregthened my resolve to put an end to the giant menace once and for all.

27 August 1996 - GIANT CATCHER

I've decided that the way to end the giant menace is to infiltrate the giants' camp.

Last night I tied a couple of barrels to my feet and broke in under the cover of darkness. Inside was a scene straight out of Scooby Doo: dozens of giants sitting around a fire, telling jokes which were probably rude and offensive. But I couldn't be sure.

I stayed for an hour until I got hungry and went to buy a lolly.

28 August 1996 - GIANT CATCHER

Having uncovered details of the giants' plans, I've constructed a foolproof giant trap.

Designed to look like a wheelie bin on the end of a plank, the trap is in fact constructed from a wheeled bin and a wooden plank, the type typically used in the manufacture of fences.

As a giant approaches the trap, I creep up behind him, push him in the bin, and then use the plank to subdue him.

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