The Man With A Long Chin's Diary


Dead Celeb Park


25 June 1997 - DEAD CELEB PARK

I've got a new job now as owner of a theme park which keeps clones of extinct celebrities. The park isn't open yet, but I've invited a number of experts, including showbiz columnist Baz Bamigboye and Vanessa Feltz, to check it out.

I began the tour with a trip through the Les Dawson paddock. The experts couldn't believe their eyes when our truck pulled up beside a living, breathing Les Dawson eating leaves from a tree.

27 June 1997 - DEAD CELEB PARK

In order to get my park endorsed by consultants, I took them on a tour round it in a little electric car. We first stopped outside the Peter Sellers pen, but he was nowhere to be seen. The ride had to be stopped a short while later because an unconscious Liberace was laying in the middle of the road.

One of my consultants, celebrity doctor Hilary Jones, diagnosed Liberace as having a poorly tummy, and gave him some special medicine.

28 June 1997 - DEAD CELEB PARK

Disaster has struck at my Dead Celeb Park. The special electric car I was driving my consultants around in ran out of batteries outside the Les Dawson enclosure.

It wasn't long before Les caught our scent and started going absolutely crazy. He was shouting obscenities, and rattling the bars of his cage. Suddenly he was loose, and crawling over the bonnet of our car. My passengers, TV chef Ainsley Harriot and comic Jim Davidson, were absolutely terrified.

30 June 1997 - DEAD CELEB PARK

Our electric tour car broke down, and we were being terrorised by an escaped clone of the late Les Dawson. The Dawson began punching the side of the car. Frightened TV chef Ainsley Harriot fled the vehicle and hid in a nearby toilet.

He wasn't fast enough locking the door, and Dawson followed him in. We don't know what happened next, but there was a lot of screaming, and then Harriot ran from the toilet with a lot of blood and hand cream running down his shins.

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