Department Store Santa
17 December 1997 - DEPARTMENT STORE SANTA
My attempts to modernise the tradition of Father Christmas aren't going down too well with my employers. Yesterday, dressed in a frogman's outfit, I marched around the toy section of the store hitting children on the head with an inflated rubber glove, and inviting them into my grotto to receive a gift.
Apparently, several of the mothers complained. They said the tone of my voice was "sinister and threatening". What do those hideous, painted heffers know about being Santa? Nothing.
18 December 1997 - DEPARTMENT STORE SANTA
My attempts to modernise the tradition of Father Christmas have failed. My employers have forced me to wear a traditional Santa outfit. But that won't stop me from doing my bit to spice things up a little.
I've had my voice surgically altered so that I now speak like a Dalek, and when a kid comes in and tells me what he wants for Christmas, I get up and start throwing myself against the walls of the grotto. A few kids have been scared, but most of them just don't know what's going on.
19 December 1997 - DEPARTMENT STORE SANTA
My employers have fired me from being the store's Father Christmas. They said that I didn't seem to take the job very seriously.
This couldn't be further from the truth. I wasn't making fun of the tradition of Santa; I was trying to make it more exciting. This is why I let rockets off inside my grotto, invited kids to watch me smash old televisions to pieces, and threatened their parents with cans of spray paint. If that isn't being dynamic, then I don't know what is.