The Man With A Long Chin's Diary


Human Crop Farmer


11 December 1998 - HUMAN CROP FARMER

I've stopped being a vet and handed the practice over to my three-year-old assistant, who I feel is ready for the task. I have a new job now, harvesting human crops for a race of flesh-eating alien overlords.

My galactic masters are nineteen feet tall, have really big heads, no legs (they hover), arms that look more like brooms, and a sort of vacuum cleaner nozzle for a nose. Their name is all but unpronounceable in our Earth tongue, but roughly translates as something like Tick-tick-tick-tick-ch.

12 December 1998 - HUMAN CROP FARMER

Working for alien overlords who want me to harvest their crop of human beings is very hard work, but it's also curiously rewarding. Last night I delivered a wheelbarrow of fresh firemen to their table, and I received a tip of £4.56 from Overlord Bing.

Suffice to say there was a spring in my step when I returned to the fields to bring in the crop of sky divers and footballers. I felt so good about things, that I allowed myself a brief moment of indiscretion, and bit a chunk out of David Beckham's thigh.

14 December 1998 - HUMAN CROP FARMER

I've rarely felt as much satisfaction as I do right now, harvesting human beings for a race of flesh eating overlords. My master, Overlord Cress, is an affable old alien, 14 feet tall with tractor headlights for eyes, and the sort of scalp that trails off into infinity.

Last night Cress was chewing on a member of popular "street-style" all-boy band Five, when he told me that he loves me. But like a father loves a son, he later elaborated.

15 December 1998 - HUMAN CROP FARMER

It's one thing to harvest human beings for a race of flesh-eating alien overlords; its another thing entirely to be eaten yourself by those alien overlords.

Mercifully I have never been eaten, but sometimes it's difficult to separate the fantasy of a steady, secure employment by an employer who really appreciates my contribution, from the reality that I am working for a race of killer space monsters who could eat me at any moment.

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