The Man With A Long Chin's Diary




4 December 1998 - VET

I had a couple of turtles in my surgery last night, complaining that they'd gotten a load of acorns wedged in their shells, while attending a party hosted by Squirrel Nutkin.

Nutkin had apparently become intoxicated with the giddy excellence of squirrelness, and descended into a brief period of madness. The turtles alleged that bedlam gripped Nutkin's branch, as the squirrel set about them with fistfuls of acorns, and overturned a jackdaw's nest.

8 December 1998 - VET

I've taken on a trainee who doesn't know the first thing about being a vet. His name is JS Parsons, and he is just three years old.

Parsons is a complete idiot. Last night I had to perform CPR on a donkey, and all Parsons was interested in was watching Pingu and eating his sherbert dib-dab. I completely lost my rag, and began shouting at Parsons, threatening him with the termination of his contract. Incredibly the little punk started crying and asking for his mummy. I'll show HIM mummy.

9 December 1998 - VET

My three-year-old trainee, JS Parsons, is an immature little idiot. Last night I showed him how we deal with dead animals, and the whining creep started crying - again. He was distraught when I demonstrated the incinerator.

I can understand that the process might be shocking the first time you see it, but it's not as if I were using a live animal; it was just a stuffed swan that's been sitting in the stock cupboard gathering dust.

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