The Man With A Long Chin's Diary


Lost Property


23 January 1998 - LOST PROPERTY

I've got a new job now working in a lost property office. You wouldn't believe the things some people leave behind!

Some of the items we've had brought in over the last 24 hours include eighteen pairs of trousers, a sniper rifle, a vampire's hat, a pair of comedy gloves, a stuffed vampire bat, a crow's nest, a brake in a sack, a Kid Creole album, a Matt Bianco album, a pair of forceps, a packet of biscuits, and a giant cluff.

24 January 1998 - LOST PROPERTY

Working in a lost property office is the best job ever! We have some real fun with the people that come in here, let me tell you.

For instance, last night a guy came in looking for his lost cloak. We knew we had his cloak, but we wound him up by holding up things like a lost spoke, and a lost coat, and asking if they were his. Actually, after a while he started getting really annoyed, and began kicking the counter. It was at this point we showed him his cloak, but I accidentally dropped it in the fire.

26 January 1998 - LOST PROPERTY

Last night someone brought in a dolphin that had been found on the Piccadilly Line. We didn't know what to do with it at first; the poor thing had obviously been out of water for some time, and was beginning to shrivel up.

My colleague tried to make the dolphin wet by throwing his coffee over it, but this just seemed to agitate the dolph', and it began making a loud clicking sound with its mouth. At this point we decided that it might actually be a bomb, and had the beast destroyed.

27 January 1998 - LOST PROPERTY

Last night someone brought in a box marked "Danger - radioactive waste". At first we weren't sure what to do, but then my colleague deduced that the words were clearly a ruse, and a way of disguising the true contents of the box.

To be sure, I made him look inside and search through the grey sludge therein for some sort of stolen gem, or something. When he didn't find anything, I made him eat some sludge as punishment. His hair and teeth fell out, but otherwise he was fine.

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