29 March 1996 - NEIGHBOURHOOD WATCH
After a recent spate of book-burnings- in my road, I'm setting up a Neighbourhood Watch scheme.
At one end of the road, we're planning to erect a massive concrete skull with floodlights blazing out of its mouth. At the other end of the road, two neighbours will stand guard carrying wooden spikes and petrol bombs.
Whenever a stranger comes near, we give him a real good kicking.
30 March 1996 - NEIGHBOURHOOD WATCH
My Neighbourhood Watch scheme has claimed its first victims - two cats we found sitting near a van.
Though we can't be sure, it looks like one of them was thinking about scratching the van. This was borne out during interrogation when the cats tried to run away.
To make an example of them, I've hung a photo of the cats in my window, and written a swear word on it.
1 April 1996 - NEIGHBOURHOOD WATCH
I've developed a new device in my war against petty crime. It's called the Power Unit, and it works in much the same way as a gun.
Here's the clever part: it's shaped like a crucifix. That way I can shoot villains AND keep away Dracula.
I'm now working on the Danger Unit - a small holdall filled with glasses. When the thieves try to steal the holdall, I smash it against their legs.
2 April 1996 - NEIGHBOURHOOD WATCH
I've had a run-in with the police who suspected that my local defence militia had paramilitary overtones.
We had overthrown the previous Watch Co-ordinator, Mr Bittery at No 12, and were preparing his confession for a show trial when all hell broke loose.
First one PC came in through the back door and went out the front, then another climbed in the kitchen window and left via the now-open back door.