20 January 1997 - PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR
I've quit being a Del Boy-style trader now, and got a job as an X-Files-style paranormal investigator.
For my first case I was called to the home of a Mr D.Blinic, who has been hearing scary sounds from his bathroom. I could scarcely believe my senses when I arrived. A burglar had attempted to steal Blinic's sink by strapping it to his back. The sink was too big to fit through the window and the burglar had become trapped. He had been there for almost four weeks.
21 January 1997 - PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR
I've been requested to investigate a poltergeist that has been bothering a couple of blokes who live up a tree.
Every night at 6:00 the poltergeist starts moving the branches so that the leaves rustle, and then he goes away. At 6:40 the ghost comes back and makes munching sounds. These stop after five minutes, but begin again after 12 minutes. Then, at 7:05, the ghost blows off. This causes the two blokes a good deal of distress.
22 January 1997 - PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR
I've been investigating a case of "haunted loft", at the home of former television star, The Bloke Who Used To Play Lofty In Eastenders, oddly enough.
The ex-Lofty star is afraid to go up into his loft, because he suspects a ghost might be up there. He's worried that if the ghost sees him it will attempt to startle him. Unfortunately, he left his watch up there a few days ago and now has no idea what the time is. He called me at 9pm last night.
24 January 1997 - PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR
I've been investigating a local stage psychic, who claims he can read the minds of man and beast.
During his stage act he reveals what members of the audience are thinking about having for tea tomorrow. Then he "reads the mind" of a dog, and explains that the dog is thinking about Kate Bush, who he once saw on the telly. Though the audience are initially amused by this, they soon become paranoid, and often flee from the hall in terror.