The Man With A Long Chin's Diary


Pet Swan


22 September 1999 - PET SWAN

I've bought myself a pet swan called Liberty. She is quite a nice swan, but Liberty has a knack of getting me into trouble. Last night I took Liberty to the pub with me, but the landlord told me that he didn't allow swans in his pub. I got so enraged by his attitude that I tore a large horseshoe from the wall.

Unfortunately, this turned out to be the landlord's favourite wall ornament, and he called the police. To think, none of this would have happened if it wasn't for a certain little swan called... Liberty!

23 September 1999 - PET SWAN

I've been getting into some awful scrapes with my pet swan, Liberty. Yesterday I took Liberty to the launderette with me. Let me tell you, I've never been so embarrassed! First of all, Liberty bit an old woman on the mouth, and then Liberty bit the woman's ear as she was trying to get out of the launderette.

Then Liberty tried to fly after the old woman, but crashed head-first into the launderette's window, cracking the glass. I suggested that the launderette supervisor install a "swan-flap", but she just told me to leave.

24 September 1999 - PET SWAN

I've had to hand my swan over to the authorities, after someone reported to the police that I had stolen Liberty from a Royal park. This isn't strictly true; at no time did I physically touch Liberty within the boundary of the park. In actual fact, I lured her outside the park with worms, prior to bundling her into a sack, and taking her home with me.

Also, because the law says swans are magic, or something, I've been told I may face prosecution over the fact I dressed Liberty in a baby-grow and tiny Mexican sombrero.

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