25 March 1999 - POSH CHEF
I've got a new job as a top chef in a really posh restaurant. I'm expected to come up with new and expensive meals which our posh clients - such as Lynn Redgrave and Jeff Bridges - might like to eat.
The first meal I've invented is called "La Poncy Eggs". It's basically a couple of hard-boiled eggs in a mug of champagne. For pudding, I recommend guests tuck into a big bowl of my speciality: iced lambs bile, with optional fancy wafer.
26 March 1999 - POSH CHEF
Being a top chef is quite good, but not when the customers complain. Last night without realising, my retina detached and fell into the cream of black pudding soup.
When a customer complained after she found it floating in her spoon, I had to pretend it was my contact lens and practically blinded myself trying to fit it back in. By way of compensation I offered to entertain her with a funny dance while she finished her meal. She wasn't having any of it, though, and chose to sue the restaurant.
27 March 1999 - POSH CHEF
There was something of a tragedy at the restaurant last night when it accidentally caught fire. I'm not entirely sure what happened, but I vaguely recall betting one of the junior chefs that he couldn't eat fire.
I seem to remember his chomping mouth going towards the gas stove, and the next thing I know I'm in hospital with my shoes melted to my feet. Thankfully, the junior chef isn't dead and was able to reveal the mystery of the fire: apparently I had suddenly lost control and fractured a gas main with an axe.