21/12/95 - SANTA'S ELF
You might think working for Santa would be funny, but let me tell you it's actually horrific.
Santa tips us out of our bunks at 2.30am, and we have to share a massive bowl of sour mousse for breakfast. Immediately afterwards we have to eat lunch – a big plate of old dough-buds – and dinner – Christmas crackers. Then we're marched back to bed for 20 minutes before being made to sit on a block of our own frozen tears.
22/12/95 - SANTA'S ELF
I've spent my first day on Santa's toy production line, working with two other elves called De Leece and Farnham 4.
We're making sweets for French kids, and you wouldn't believe some of the stuff we have to put in. For instance, French Curly Wurlies are actually made out of insect parts and scorpion pulp, and their Fruit Salads are just painted bits of chicken. To make French Anglo Bubbly, we blend ham with foam.