The Man With A Long Chin's Diary


Test Pilot


3 May 1996 - TEST PILOT

My latest experimental craft is Faintlock X, a gas-filled turret intended to act as a coastal defence initiative.

The guy who briefed me looked like Ronnie O'Sullivan, which made me laugh so much I didn't concentrate properly.

As a result, when I took the craft out above Lyme Regis, I accidentally destroyed half a dozen farm buildings, mistaking them for a Young Offender's Institute.

4 May 1996 - TEST PILOT

I've been briefed for a secret aerial mission to get pictures of a prominent celebrity in his pants.

To this end, I'll be flying the world's smallest aircraft: one inch long and no thicker than a sheet of paper.

The plan is to pilot this craft between the molecules of his front door, and then speed up his stairs just as he's coming out of the bathroom.

6 May 1996 - TEST PILOT

My plan to take clandestine photographs of a celebrity went wrong when I accidentally inhaled my miniature aircraft.

I'm now testing the world's first organic helicopter, made entirely out of dill and beef-flakes on rye.

It's really difficult to control: to steer left you have to eat the dill, and to steer right you have to spit it back out onto the beef.

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