The Man With A Long Chin's Diary


Wonderful Wizard Of Oz/Regressive Hypnosis


27 December 1996 - WONDERFUL WIZARD OF OZ

I'm trying to find a Wizard to get my arm fixed, and return home. Last night I encountered an old scarecrow called Armstrong, who also wants to find the Wizard.

Sadly, the scarecrow suffers from a condition brought on by not being born with a brain. Inside his head is a load of straw, some seeds and a few conkers, which he uses for a hypothalmus. The scarecrow's condition causes him to say stupid things sometimes, such as "I can see a crow" when it's actually a raven.

28 December 1996 - WONDERFUL WIZARD OF OZ

On our way to meet the Wizard, the scarecrow and I met up with a Lion last night. Unfortunately, the lion attacked us, and the scarecrow was very badly wounded.

I've managed to persuade the lion to join us, but only by keeping it unconscious with repeated cranial assaults, and by dragging it behind us. We suspect the lion is a coward, but we've yet to see evidence of this. The Wizard should be able to fix the lion's terrible head injuries, though.


We've finally met the wizard, though I confess my preconceptions of what a wizard looks like have been shattered. The Wizard Of Oz is about sixteen feet tall, and really skinny. He wears a pair of boxing gloves, a string vest and some silk boxer shorts. He also has a swimming cap on his head, and wears a pair of those joke "googly-specs", with the eyes on springs. I asked him to send me home, but he just laughed at me like Woody Woodpecker.


The Wizard Of Oz found a way to send me home last night, by tying 44 birds to my scalp, and firing bird food into the air. Unfortunately, the Wizard had used flightless birds such as penguins, ostriches and hens. The birds just ran for it when the food cannon was fired, and I was dragged about 30 feet along the ground. This would have been alright, but I don't like being dragged along the ground by flightless birds.


It turns out that all that Wizard of Oz stuff was a series of very vivid dreams brought on by eating too much salt and aspic. To prevent further such dreams I've booked some sessions with a hypnotherapist to ensure it never happens again. The hypno-man says he intends to perform regressive therapy on me, during which we will investigate my former lives to discover which one is giving me the gyp. I don't know what he means, but he has a very warm smile.


The hypnotist has regressed me to my first previous life - that of a Victorian gent called Darius Kendy.

It would seem that I, as Kendy, was a controversial Victorian pie-maker. I would insist on filling my pies with all manner of unusual ingredients, such as bricks, sticks and Sticklebricks and sticklebacks. My reign of unusual pie-making came to an end when I sold a pie containing pennies to Jack the Ripper - he cut me in two with his golden scissors!


The hypnotist has regressed me to another former life. It seems that I was once a Roman centurian called Mr. Pongy. It was my job to march up and down outside Julius Caesar's bedroom while he was washing his kilt, and make a whistling sound if a lion came near. The one time that a lion did approach Caesar's bedroom it had been disguised as a giraffe by some kids, and instead of whistling I applauded it. Of course, my clapping startled the lion and it ran away. I then fell over and died.


The hypnotist has regressed me to another former life, that of a jester in the court of King Arthur. Arthur is quite unlike the way history has portrayed him - he wasn't a man at all, but a mummified octopus! I was a little taken aback at first when I recalled this dead, dried sea beast on the throne of medieval England, but his subjects loved him. Making him laugh, however, was another matter altogether; I had to erect a system of wires to make his beak move.


The hypnotist has regressed me to another former life. It seems I used to be one of the famous Wright brothers!

I was Orville Wright who, along with my brother Zeke, invented the first aeroplane. History doesn't recall our earlier inventions, including a lightsabre-style noodle fork, a barking oven, a vest which was always wet, a thing which goes on the top of cans and makes them look like cats, a pen which wrote in PURPLE INK, and the nipple clamp.

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