Be His Valentine/Desperate For Love
13 February 1998 - BE HIS VALENTINE
Now that my chocolate factory has been closed by terrified authorities, I’ve decided to be somebody’s valentine. Sadly, the first two people I approached, a policeman called PC Garrety, and a freemason called Guy, weren’t receptive to my advances. It looked like my luck was in when I saw a couple of raccoons in a tree, and I imagined they told me my true love lived in a house at the bottom of Seeker Crescent. I rushed there right away, but discovered that Seeker Crescent never existed.
14 February 1998 - BE HIS VALENTINE
I’m afraid that I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life. I’ve tried so hard to find a companion to no avail, that I’m on the verge of calling it quits. Yesterday I got so desperate for some affection that I tried chatting myself up in the mirror. Unfortunately, I was repulsed by the sight of my naked buttocks, and had to stop. My next step was then to imagine I had a girlfriend, but all I could think about was a load of monkeys jumping around in tiny leather jackets.
16 February 1998 - DESPERATE FOR LOVE
I’ve joined a video dating agency in the hope that I’ll find a partner. They asked me to put together a home video tape of me doing things I enjoy, so that they could show it to potential dates. Unfortunately, I was informed that the agency would be closed down if they showed my tape to anyone, and were forced to edit it down and dub music over the top so that it looked as if I was just dancing. I have to admit - they did a pretty good job. Even I found myself attracted to myself.