Over the years there have been many inhabitants of the great halls of Digi. They all had some purpose, if only to fill up a bit of space at the end of a page, but they are a part of Digi nonetheless and must be acknowledged. This page pays homage to their greatness, visiting those that are still with us; and those which have long since been forgotten by most people. And... here they are, man:
- Anne Robinson
Yes, not content with boosting her already baboon's arse-sized ego by swanning off to the States, where she can continuously use the same three tired insults without anyone noticing, "The World's Most Ginger-Haired Woman" has even managed to weasel her haggish face onto Digi. Like so many before her, she "graces" (if that itself weren't a contradiction in terms) the news round-up page, excreting her bile in increasingly dangerous quantities. In fact, she seems wary of her public becoming jaded from her patented brand of easy-target acid-speak, which she attempts to counteract by going to all-new lows in personalised verbal assault. Not only will she now willingly rasp away at the bewildered contestants on her show, she's even conceited enough to routinely take on entire nations: "All French people are ugly freaks!". Well, at least the Welsh won't feel so picked-on anymore...
- Auntie Chapman
Presumably The Man's auntie (we never knew for sure), she resided on the charts page while it was still known as The Charty Party, appealing for you to send in charts of stuff. Notable for the fact that she never actually said anything herself, probably due to the fact that she had lockjaw. Or at least that's what it looked like.
- Balls For Eyes
He was christened Samuel Foxley, but people called him Balls For Eyes. This is probably because, you know - he had balls for eyes. And that. Hosted some page at the weekend about fifty years ago, or something. Thanks go to Mr Cheese for this, without whom we wouldn't have been reminded of this little guy. "The balls... they are speaking to me".
- Batman & Robin
Yes, it's the supposedly-Dynamic Duo; appearing here as they were in the dream-like trippiness of the camp 60's TV show. And, no; not as their incarnations from the tortuous atrocity that was the Joel Poo-macher movies. So, we get the funneee pot-belly-emphasising costumes, along with much Holy Blocked Urethra-style gushing from "Robin". Thanks to their recent appearances, we have now been presented with the stark truth that Batman seems to have fallen from grace somewhat; taking "great pleasure" in calling "premium rate" phone lines, and visiting some of the more "interesting" web sites out there... Maybe he does it to prove to those stupid, evangelical right-wing US idiots that he's not gay. But it's probably because he just likes porn.
- The Beatles
That's right - the popular sixties beat-combo that inspired "Po-Fasis" used to host the tips page. Strangely, Paul and George appear to be infatuated with Ringo, although neither of them will admit it, accusing the other of remarking such things as "Ringo's the biz", or "Ringo is it". Curiously, John has nothing to say on the matter, he seems to be more concerned about defusing insinuations that he and Paul may be more than friends... Recent variations have included the Alien Beatles; Ironic Beatles; Baby Beatles; and best of all, the French Beatles, of whom you can see stuff: here..
- Butch Jenkins
Some-time host of the news round-up, this crude heavy wouldn't look out of place in a trailer park. With his shades, "scary" 'tache and white-trash lingo, his presence on Digi is a little worrying. Thankfully, due to the fact that his dialogue is similar to that used by unpopular "lad" band Five-ive, it seems to render his mildly threatening tone more comical than he perhaps intended. "I gonna get me some of that stuff!"
- Chart Cat
The former host of the charts page before he was usurped in a silent coup by Wired Child. He wasn't really a cat - he was just a bloke with his tongue sticking out through a cat mask which he held in front of his face.
- Chester Fisho
A curious little fish that used to live on the last page at the end of the news. Chester's page had little bite-sized pieces of info-rama which he helpfully commented and gave his opinion on whilst blowing bubbles. Towards the end of his stay they had been expertly filled with innuendo and suggestion of a sexual nature, which while being absolutely hilarious seemed to have gotten Digi into trouble from "The People Upstairs". This meant that Chester was forced to take a little break, before a brief return which was ended by the fact that Biffo got bored of "doing" him.
That's right - the Wookiee of Star Wars fame. He occasionally pops in to help out with the tips, although is clearly feeling smited by the lack of work that he's been getting, what with him being such a highly-trained lump of bantha fodder, as he undoubtedly is. It doesn't help that he wasn't in Episode One, and so he's become quite the bitter walking carpet, acting out his frustrations by debasing his co-stars. Apparently he has no time for Harrison Ford, who "smells", and feels hurt than even Mark Hamill has been more active than him. Rrrruughh rrraaaa ruuughh-rrrrrurrrgh!
- Computer Boy
Not the grating mump-faced idiot child who used to be on Live & Kicking (Digi would refer to him as 'Computer Boy'), but an entirely different socially inept wretch. This repellent creature is the sort of acne-scarred toad that gives all PC owners a bad name. For yes, he is of the despicable breed of oafs that as children would happily do the shopping for their mum, and ride their stupid girly bikes dressed in punch-worthy luminous reflective gear. That's right: the school spanner. He was no doubt one of the first people in the history of the human race to get on the Internet, and as such has feelings of superiority within the digital domain, which lead to his constant denouncement of all "nEWbiE SKuM!!!!", as those of his persausion delight in calling them. As is typical of his genus, he has a pathological loathing of consoles and has almost unatural feelings toward the bumbling Herman Munster machine that is the PC, which many of us so reluctantly own. Of course, thanks to his spod DNA he is one of the few people in existence (along with spod-king Bill Gates, and Sandra Bullock in the 'great' film The Net) who are inexplicably able to tame the technologically leprous beast in their sleep. This helps him to look down on anyone who isn't willing to endure the rigours of buying a brand spanking new replacement machine, just because they were naïve enough to think they could play Unreal without it trying to give them an aneurysm or a nervous breakdown, or trying to attack them with a chisel, or something.
Y'Know. Off the TV. Fond of cake and is Lewis' best friend, although Morse hates him. But then; Morse hates most people: "I really hate you Lewis".
- Daddy Cool
Semi-popular, be-afroed groovy hip-cat that made a number of reveal-o appearances, before being "killed off". This occurred due to Digi being under the (not entirely true) impression that everyone hated him, and so he was subjected to a full-body explosion, not far from the gaze of a bewildered Mr T. We were then informed by the T-Man; whom Daddy Cool had been aggravating, that seeing as he was now dead, we wouldn't have to put up with his incessant "It's cool to be Daddy Cool/Daddy Cool is cool-style" hyperbole any longer.
- Dennis : The Man Of Zinc
A strange man that used to inhabit the tips page after putting the Nudes in a coma, whilst performing a bizarre stunt. Dennis is fond of stunts, especially those involving pensioners, and believes himself to be indestructible which has led to the loss of sight in his right eye, and only 30% vision in his left. At one point he abandoned this way of life in the vain hope of becoming a god. He failed and went back to his first love of stunts. He also believes the entire opoulation of Leicester to be dead, yet standing manequin-like in the streets of the "mid-luns" city.
- Dr Derek Doctors
A schizophrenic dentist and leader of a nasty religous cult which succeeded in recruitning The Man to it's ranks, until he got bored and decided to do something else. Had the obligatory hypnotic, mad staring eyes and hosted the tips page for a while until "They" expressed concern at his increasingly sinister rants, forcing Biffo to lock him away in a box marked "Mollusc". Or something. He can currently be seen blowing off in the general direction of Bubblegun's Fartoons section.
- DIY Kelly
Fishlike brother of The Man. Called DIY because of the home improvement tips he would dispense while The Man was on holiday and he was put in charge of his page. He was a bit of a "geezer", judging by the h-dropping semi-cockney spiel that would come out of his most excellently-proportioned (huge) lips. He also had his own problem page, called, appropriately enough "DIY Kelly's Problem Page" where he would eject tips for better life and mental health - so perhaps he could have helped his Daddy before he went over the edge.
- DJ Ice Hockey
The host of "DJ Ice Hockey's Arcade Show" which appeared now and then at the weekends. According to Digi he died years ago. Spoke in puffy-speak years before the anthropologists at Digi identified the Puffy Jacket species.
The Man's pet, Duncan is a jar of six or so prawns with a collective intelligence. When they first launched, Digi asked for letters guessing what kind of creature Duncan was. Suffice to say that none of them were right. Nobody knows what happened to Duncan as he hasn't made an appearance for years. That's "him" up there. Obviously.
- Wyatt Earp and Josef Engels
Schoolboy hosts of the chips 'n' teats a long ol' time ago. They were a pair of public school boys that would get into all manner of "scrapes". And subsequently much trouble, too. Thanks to Graham Goring and Mr Biffo for helping my brain remember.
- Enigmatic Pete
A mysterious (and yes, enigmatic), guy who appeared once on the news round-up. As is the usual MO with these newsy-peeps, Pete sprays the page with generous amounts of brain-mulch regarding the day's less-important fragments of information. What he actually says would suggest one of two things: 1) He's an extremely enlightened font of wisdom, or 2) He has absolutely no idea of what he's talking about. You see, Pete's impressive flow of wordage can either be interpreted in so many ways that it means nothing, or that it's so contradictory that it doesn't mean anything in the first place. The ambiguity of his teasing statements is hardly likely to divide a major religion, or precipitate some brain-wronged holy war over what he means, but still... Judge for yourself with this Pete-up: "The future is hidden in the past..." Want him to stop? Form an orderly que with the sharpened kukris, now...
- Fat Sow
"The angry pig that reviews the week's news". Yes she does, and she is very angry with it - nothing that ever happens is good to Fat Sow and she is always compelled to complain about it. Most of the time this is a good thing and she says something that the rest of the industry doesn't want to think about. Fat Sow speaketh the truth!!!
- The Good Samaritan (& The Evil Samaritan)
An extremely odd-looking host of the tips page. Big, bulging eyes, with a kind of yellow "flange" like a chicken, but atop his head in a hair-like manner. And yellow, not red. He informs us that he's a great guy, as he kindly helps out all the idiots out there by giving them the obligatory chips 'n' teats on request. Also has a tendency to classify people by their names: "hybrid", "human", etc. He must also be a super hero, as he has his own evil twin in The Evil Samaritan, who looks just like him, except that he's all in red (natch). Strangely the evil feller still helps out the hopeless with their chip 'n' teat needs.
- Gossi The Dog
Gossi is the very discreet pooch who constantly has an ear to the ground for gossip and rumblings from the games world. He's been known to break some very big stories first but is also known to lie "a lot". Obviously a number of idiots out there can't tell when he does this and feel obliged to ring and complain, forcing Gossi to reveal when he speaks in falsehood.
- Doctor Heinous
Mysterious evil-dude that, true to type, wants to destroy the world. He has an entire secret organisation at his disposal for the doing of the bad stuff, but so far hasn't been especially successful in his schemes. He's become quite the proud villain as a result of his sitting atop the badness tree, which would probably explain his feelings of shame and humiliation at having to claim unemployment benefit. Like all bullies he's a coward at heart, and tends to shrink from situations where there is the potential for personal injury - specifically big, burly illiterate thugs from the local housing estate, come to despense retribution for him shoving their disgusting little kids around. See more of him in Bubblegun's Fartoons section.
- Mr Hurlie and his Curly Pearlies
"Did" the tips a total number of one times. As his name would suggest, he had massive, curly, brilliantly white teeth. And that's about it. You: Stephen Craig and Mr Biffo - thank you for this rubbish.
- Insincere Dave
Another host of the news round-up, Dave is a strange little man with a red face and an absolute killer of a blonde quiff. Like Chester Fisho, he too comments on the small portions of news. Except that what he says can't exactly be taken at face value: "he sounds like he's REALLY good at his job". Insincere: do you see?
- Jensen 5
One of The Man's old acquaintances that popped-up in his diary one time. In truth he didn't do much, and was only mentioned the once, but I felt that I had to include him on the grounds that I like his distinctly Digi name. So don't try and argue, man!
- Le Chef
Oh, oui! Le pompt de chef du Frenchie, ist les dompt-la-pompt, du mein gott! Achtelieber! Hahahaha! For those of you that aren't as fluent in French as Digi and myself, this little guy is a slightly theatrical little French chef-dude, who has set his "stall" "out" on Digi's news round-up page, and also makes the odd multi-page reveal-o-show over the weekend. While he's no doubt a great chef, or something, he doesn't exactly have a good working relationship with his restaurant's manager. Indeed, a recent incident saw the homicidal boss chasing him all over the food-me-do, because of an unsatisfactory batch of eat-stuffs cooked up by Le Chef. He ended up hiding from the manager in an oven which was subsequently turned on, but he somehow managed to escape to "eject" his Gallic "charm" all over the expectant face of Digi's news stoat. Verstanden?
- Edward Lear
That's right, kids - it's popular 19th Century "bird fancier" (ornithologist) and inventor of funny poems, Edward Lear! He spends his time indulging in writing the "humorous" limerick rhymes which he probably thought up while off his head on absinthe and snuff, allowing Digi the privelege of publishing them. However, the fact that he's been dead for over a century doesn't appear to have done his writing any favours, as his new material has a tendency to lose the plot in disturbing/spectacular fashion towards the final couplet. See his new rhymes: here!
Morse's assistant and constantly the butt of ridicule and attack from the Inspector. First appeared with Morse as a Reveal-O and he and Morse not only make very popular appearances when Mr. Biffo feels like it, but also used to be permanently squashed at the end of the charts page.
- The Man (With A Long Chin)
Digi's mascot and centrepiece. Debuted as The Man With A Long Chin but later became known simply as "The Man" when space ran out on his diary page. He originally wore a pink beret and clutched what looked to be a lunch box like you took to school. Now though, to give him more space to chronicle the latest developments in his fascinating life all that is seen of him is his face. Used to speak in bizarre monosyllabic tones much like you would expect a caveman to: "Man like", etc. He seems to go through jobs/adventures faster than Moses, and never stays in one for more than a week or so. He also has a knack of blagging his way into strangely glamorous/bizarre/surreal posts that take him all over the country (specifically: Leeds) doing his funky thang. Curiously, he's also very fond of trash TV (The Other Half, with Dale Winton; Richard & Judy; Kilroy, etc.), which may go some way to explaining his initial gifts of autographed photos of ITV weathermen to people writing to the letters page, when Digi first started. Also, recent events seem to suggest that his Daddy's wrongness of the head are congenital, as our hero gives ever more frequent hints in his diary of being a bit of (for that, read "a lot of") a mentalist...
- The Man's Daddy
Hosts The Mans's page off and on while he's away. The Man's Daddy is a strange chap, having a trunk instead of your normal type of nose, but hey - The Man's Daddy is a funny guy! He's a comic and used to treat us to his great jokes none of which make sense unless you are tuned in to the Digi mindset. Since his original departure and institutionalisation there have been many pleas for his return. It seems that Digi were receptive to these and have subsequently given The Man's Daddy a number of appearances with hilarious jokes once more. You can see jokes by both the Man, and Man's Daddy in this place: here. And you know what? They sure do spin this thing: the funneee thing! Awww, guy!
- The Man Who Taunts Fear
The Man's arch enemy, responsible for our hero's kidnap years ago. As a result of this The Man's page was emptied, so the Man Who Taunts Fear decided to hijack it for a while until the Man escaped. As a villain he sports the mandatory sinister handlebar moustache and dapper clothing (including flying helmet). Also due to his being a "goodness lacker", he was obliged to have a menacing verbal trademark catchphrase. In his case he would end his report with the dreaded tone of "Nun-nun-chal!", or variants upon this, such as "Chal-na-ha!". He also inspired one of Digi's correspondents to go by the name of "The Man Who Flaunts Tears", who would get into a feud via the medium of the mail with our anti-hero. Once again I am forced by society to thank both Stephen Craig and Mr Biffo for this info-rama.
- Inspector Morse
The somewhat spiteful and grouchy police Inspector of TV fame and boss of Lewis. A firm favourite that makes many welcome Reveal-O-Morse appearances with the rest of the growing Morse family of Cracker and Mr. T. Apparently Morse once joined the army and it happens to be "great".
- The Nice Valentine Rusk
Succeeded Bob Sweezely on the tips page. I liked The Nice Valentine Rusk - he was sort of heart-shaped - but with limbs, and would regail us with stories of how naughty he had been. The Nice Valentine Rusk was very naughty.
- Mr. Nude
Long-time nude host of the tips page which he did whilst wearing absolutely nothing. Also ran a nudest colony which was once under siege. "Love, help me be more nude by sending in your chips and teats".
- Mrs. Nude
Mr. Nude's nude spouse and former co-host of the tips page with him. She contradicts everything he says, but hey it's a marriage that works, apart from Mrs Nude's prolonged spell of infidelity with a young nude by the name of Omni.
- Pat Walker
Took over from The Man on his page when he was assassinated, changing the name to "Walk On, With Pat Walker". He was a groovy guy with a beard that won Digi's poll for The Man's replacement under suspicious circumstances (ie Digi admittedly rigged it so that he'd win). Bizarrely he turned out to actually be The Man, which was discovered one day when he stood too close to a radiator and his face came off. The Man was back and reclaimed his page once more. It is still unclear how The Man managed to survive a gunshot wound to the head in this way, but hey: he's alive. Got and Gamechin!
- Pat Walker [New]
Not the same P.Walker that was the reincarnation of The Man, this guy is a London cabbie with "The Knowledge". Not as in knowing the way to the off-licence, or whatever, but more like knowing which irascibly self-important celebrities are in need of a good smack-up. He pops up from time to time, letting us know the latest on which media whores are currently on his list, for whatever reason. And hey: if you know of someone that you feel Pat ought to give a smacking to, you could always lurch over towards his Smack Clinic; at Bubblegun. There you can let him know who it is that gets on your epileptic fits. If you're very lucky, he may just decide to help out with all your smack needs.
- Phoning Honey
The hilarious prankster that performs those great "Semi-hilarious" crank calls. Nice moustache. Recently had a facelift, transforming into his incarnation on the right, up there. In his own words, it made him look "cute in a Dennis Waterman kinda way". The funny little guy phones the games shops and pretends to enquire about games and that in typical Digi manner. He kicks up such a stink that he's forced to change the name of the shop; in order to avoid "Honey-bash". So far only one of the unsuspecting saps has realised that it could be Digi.
Also known as "The Artist Formerly Known As Prints", this guy was a parody of the "purple-headed" pixie of "pop", The Artist Formeerly Known As Prince. He filled in for The Man a few times on his diary page. He came complete with lovely big Mick Jagger-esque lips, and his own name-type-symbol on his hat. According to Biffo he would always take a bath on stage with him. It's them again: Mr Biffo and John Walker. Thank them for this stuff if you will, but don't let it go to their heads, now.
- The Pun-Meister
Another little guy that lives at the end of the news page. Small, yellow, and with a big green top hat, he lives up to his name by proceeding to make godawful puns incorporating phrases from the news that has just been read. Except that they've got absolutely no relevance to the news whatsoever - he really has to stretch his punning ability to the limit to find something to say using his pun.
- The Rapping Shoe
A big hit with the fans. The Rapping Shoe, is... a shoe... who raps... about... stuff. And that. The Rapping Shoe is a great guy and his raps are really good, man. Go here to see them. He's very popular with "The Kids" (Snakes), although his lisp seems to be a slight impediment to his credibility at times.
- Robot XB-427
One of the candidates for The Man's replacement when he was shot. Also one of the most unpopular. Part of his election manifesto was that all carbon-based life would be razed from the planets so that may go some way to explaining why he wasn't voted in.
- Rollo Benny
Disturbingly, this mega-tached reveal-o, is Germany's answer to Noel Edmonds. He models himself on that crazy guy of light entertainment from about circa 1972, complete with a 'tache that a 70's Dutch porn star would be proud of. He continually tries to convince "the kids" that he's hip, trying to entice some hollow, broken individual to take part in his zany family-oreinted show. "Freak out und parteee!" Unfortunately, being German, he is an obligatory Nazi, and once the pleasantries are dispensed with he reveals his true agenda in attempting to glean information from the English pig-dogs. "YOU VIL OBEY MEIN ORDERZ."
- Roth Drakewind
A funny little viking guy, that seems to have lost his way and wandered onto Digi. He stumbled onto the news round-up page, but appears baffled by the new-fangled speak of modern life. His attempts to cope, and make sense of the strange things that are going on around him stretch to him offering up the odd slab of viking philosophy for the modern-day heathens. He has also been known to cry out to the norse gods for guidance, as well as calling upon the supposed magical power of his people in order to make his brain understand better. It hasn't helped.
- S. Arcasm
Brief resident on Chester Fisho's old news spot. Arcasm is a blood hound that comments on the news by ridiculing it and the people involved in it. He did this in a similar way to Insincere Dave (who followed S. Arcasm), by using saracastic tones to get his point across: "sounds like THEY know what they're doing".
- Smilin' Peter
The much-misunderstood chicken that replaced Fat Sow briefly before she was reinstated. This was mainly because a number of the idiots that gravitate towards Digi didn't "get" him, and took offence at what they thought he was saying. You see, Smilin' Peter employed something called irony, which many stupid people don't understand. Irony, n. use of words to mean the exact opposite of what is said. Maybe that'll help, but I doubt it. Anyway, Peter reviewed the week's goings on in an editorial much like Fat Sow. Except that whereas Fat Sow was angry, Smilin' Peter was incredibly happy. Give him the worst news possible and he talks about it enthusiatically, albeit with the obvious ironical hints that all is not what it seems.
- The Snakes
The biggest ever craze to hit Digi, the Snakes are so popular that they got their own multi-page feature over Christmas '98, with Biffo planning a (now scrapped) cartoon for them, featuring the odd appearance by The Rapping Shoe. The Snakes originally appeared (as many Digi characters do) as reveal-o's on the letters page. The thing about them though, is that they're able to human (snake?) beatbox. Cue many a chh-chh-bddp-pp-pp-p from them. They also have a tendency to utter fantastically scathing puffy-style put-downs to each other, chief among them being the classic "I cuss you bad". Other phrases: "you is de Cussius Clay", "well you're General Cusster", "Man, your human beatbox is RANK!". They also had a string of reveal-o's in which everything they said was in Digi-style "French" and "German", entitled "le snakes du Francais" - "Ich bin eine lichtenstein". Needless to say it was a classic. Go see them at Bubblgun.
- Soccerman 2001
A long-forgotten weekend-o-guy from years ago. A little man with long arms and his very own song, which went a little something like this: "I play upon a ladle, a ladle, a ladle. I play upon a ladle and my name is Soccerman 2001 - That's my song!". Thanks to Mr Cheese for this sliver of fact-o-spam.
- Socky The Sock
A brief host of the now defunct "Web-Up" page over the weekends, he nevertheless made more appearances here than other characters such as Darth Vader and Dracula did. Socky was a hand-puppet owned by a childrens' entertainer, who would regail us with how sad his life had become, disguised within the kiddie-speak of Socky. But no matter how bad his life seemed, "you could always visit the Digitiser website - it's not run by fools really" and other such self-publicising interjections were how his "piece" would end.
- Strangelove The Tramp
Based on that certain someone that we've all seen somewhere (mine shuffles around on street corners giving people a thumbs-up), Strangelove is the embodiment of the affection that Digi feel towards tramp kind. Strangelove unselfishly imparts his wisdom on obsucre subjects, providing you with his philosophy on life - including things such as "trousers are rubbish", and "beware women". Wise words indeed...
- The Sun
Yes that's right, the actual sun - the star around which the ball of mud that we call home revolves. He made a few appearances here and there on the news round-up page, with typically "sunny" comments that had seemingly nothing to do with the news. "Happy happy! I give you life! Happy happy!"
- Bob Sweezely
Yet another host of tipsville that didn't last long. Bob Sweezely was a sort of parody of those gutwrenchingly awful TV game show hosts. You know the type - everything they say is shouted at you, their teeth are so white that they could be used as an international tooth whiteness standard by dentists, and they're excrutiatingly cheerful, no matter what's been said. It's kind of like Guy Smiley out of Sesame Street. Anyway, "Bobert" fits nicely into this mould, introducing the tips as if in a game show scenario, complete with fake tension, and extreme facts about stuff (extreme in that they're not true).
- Mr. T
Of course you know who Mr. T is, sucker. BA Baracas from The A-Team, you crazy damn fool. Once refused to go to Morse's party with that very line. Oh man! In an extended Morse & Lewis story they were investigating his murder, except that it turned out that it was ET, not Mr. T that was dead:
Lewis: "You crazy damn fool"
Mr. T: "Ha ha. I say that."
He's also been imparting his wisdom on Digi in the form of advice based around the concept of personal gain for Mr T, ie to get the kids away from his bins and garage. Turns out that he has a son, Mr U, who pops us when T is indisposed. Which is probably when he's eaten a drugged hamburger. See T stuff: here, and there.
- Nurse Tina
Unseen assisstant to Dr Derek Doctors. Can't really remember much about her...
- Dr. Triv
The robot doctor from the future, who must save his world by posing the question: the game question. These would in fact be cures developed in the future of medical science for various earthly ailments. Afflictions known to be cured of the Earthmen thanks to the game question include the rickets and the bladder contortions. "Prepare to be cured!" He Appeared at the weekend after the round-up with three such posers relating to the world of games, and looked kind of like a futuristic, metallic version of Dusty Bin from unpopular 80's ITV game show "3-2-1" with "Ted" Rogers. He also had one helluva bushy moustache. "Damn you, Dr. Triv!"
- Quaker Jones
Possibly named after the fact that he resembles the guy on cereal boxes (joke).Yet another brief inhabitant of the news round-up, as yet he's only appeared twice. Quaker Jones is a prude. He holds Victorian-like Quaker values, and sports a prize-winning handlebar moustache and puritanical clothing. That explains the hat, then. Yes: because he really is a Quaker. The inbred idiot.
- "Virtual" Eric
Funny little fat blue guy who looks a bit like that bloke from the future out of K. Reeves-me-do, Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. It turns out that he's actually computer generated, created in order to host the quizzes which occasionally pop up at the weekend. This affords him many excellent and impressive features, such as not needing to sleep. No - he simply downloads his waking self into a special "buffer" cache and is therefore able to simulate the uselessness of sleeping without strictly doing it. Dude!
- Wally Bong
The erstwhile leader of the Space Gents, who are intent on invading our lovely planet. Only games-related-type people can hope to survive, as he asks the question on the questionnaire to see who is worthy. Any winners (of which there are so far none) will be allowed to sit-out the invasion in Digi's underground Cumbrian bunker. Except they probably won't get in, what with it being stuffed to the guts with Bisto and orange Fruitangs, and stuff.
- Warren Herring
During The Man's Daddy's stay in a mental institution he became substantially schizophrenic. The result of this was the manifestation of Warren Herring, or at least the spirit of him, within a plastic penguin. Man's Daddy suffered increasing fits of dementia due to the torment that Herring put him under with his cruel taunts. It ended with Daddy begging Man to help him to roll Warren Herring against a radiator and end the torture by melting his aval oppressor.
- Wired Child
The Puffy Jacket that used to host the chart page. Proceeds to tell you of the latest puffy developments in his puffy life whilst simultaneously managing to inform you of the latest chart movements. It's quite a skill, especially for someone constantly out of his head on alcopops, as he is. And that.
- F. Zealot
Closely related, F. Zealot is the console-owning counterpart of Computer Boy in terms of mentality, and also in other terms as well. By some hideous Darwinian freak of "nature", they seem to have evolved seperately from a common ancestor, ending up as equivalent banes of the gaming community in both the PC and console fields. As Computer Boy gives a bad name to all PC owners, so his cousin shames the weary, forsaken followers of the once-mighty Sega, still believing them to be as formidable as they were before they cut their feet off in a fatal attempt at proving they could walk on water (a feat which Sony seems intent on replicating). Zealot is never able to accept bad news relating to his special friends, convinced that it's all part of an anti-Sega conspiracy orchestrated by the Sony-loving media (in which he often includes Digi). He seeks out like-minded idiots online, who perpetuate their delusions of supporting a competent games firm, by developing the many conspiracy theories and faked news stories - claiming Sega still loves them - which keep them from collapsing in stark realisation of the truth. Does this remind you of a specific era in Digi history at all, man? Yes: the Crimean War!Zombie Dave
Made a couple of very welcome appearances on the news round-up page during Chester Fisho's enforced sabbatical due to his Barry White-like potty mouth, and now pops in every now and then. As a member of the living dead he is obliged to speak in barely decipherable moans whilst simultaneously trying to put out comments on the news. If you can work out what he's been saying, chances are you'll laugh for the rest of the day. Example from a snippet about the Dreamcast: "Drrrrrmmmmcccrr? Wrrr thrr frrrgg iithh thrrr?" Zombie Dave, you are this thing: the excellent thing. A recent variation of Dave that appeared on the "Jap-O-View" snout went by the name of "Zombie Otaku", a Japanese dead guy complete with stereotypical moans. You can find examples of Dave's moans here. Or you can see all-new, uncensored Dave-up's, at Biffo's new site, Bubblegun.com. Here's what you can expect to see: