17 March 2000 - CLIMBING EVEREST
I've got a new job as a man who is climbing up Mount Everest, one of the biggest mountains ever! I'm accompanied on my climb by a little guy called Sherper Ginseng who knows all about mountains. Apparently, mountains always go up, while holes always go down.
Also, Sherper Ginseng has told me that at the top of Mount Everest it is very cold, so I've brought some flare guns with me. If I start to get very very cold I'll ask Sherper Ginseng to fire the guns at me. Don't worry, everyone: I'm sure I won't die!
18 March 2000 - CLIMBING EVEREST
Climbing up Mount Everest is a lot of hard work, but very rewarding. Unfortunately, I'm not entirely sure that my companion, Sherper Ginseng, is pulling his weight. Yesterday, for instance, we lost about four hours climbing time when he deliberately slid a good 100ft back down while shouting "Wheeeeee!".
I asked him what he thought he was doing, but he just laughed and told me that it was "a radical thrill ride". He encouraged me to try it, and was so persistent that I eventually relented. Unfortunately, I broke my face.
20 March 2000 - CLIMBING EVEREST
Mount Everest is a very cold place, so I'm lucky to have the warm companionship of Sherpa Ginseng with me. Unfortunately, Ginseng has a peculiar sense of humour, and I've yet to decide whether it's endearing or infuriating.
Last night, for instance, he went outside to do toilets, and four minutes later my tent was being attacked by a Yeti. I was terrified, but felt a proper fool when it turned out to be merely Ginseng wrapped in a fresh goat skin. I wouldn't mind, but he really cut my lip in the attack.
21 March 2000 - CLIMBING EVEREST
My climbing companion Sherpa Ginseng and myself have finally reached our destination - the top of Mount Everest. Unfortunately, the place is a bit of a letdown. I was expecting at least a cafe, or a visitor information centre, but I might as well have gone and stood on the rockery in my back garden.
Frankly, I don't know what the fuss is all about. It's little wonder that so few people attempt to come here, and if you're ever thinking of visiting Mount Everest I'd advise you against it. It's rubbish and boring.