8 March 2001 - DOG PIRATES
I've got a new job as captain of a pirate ship. Unfortunately, I misunderstood the phrase "scurvy dogs", and crewed my vessel with a pack of scurvy-wracked hounds.
As a result, the vitamin-deficient canines just lounge around on the deck, while I'm left to erect the rigging, polish the crow's nest, stab the rats, pump the lowers decks, wash the blood out of the toilets...
The situation is compounded by the fact that I have both a phobia of, and am allergic to, all types of dog.
9 March 2001 - DOG PIRATES
I really like being captain of a pirate ship, but I'm starting to regret my decision to crew my vessel with dogs.
Last night, for instance, I discovered that one of the hounds had scratched the hell out of my cabin door and set fire to one of the hinges, while another dog had done a big whoopsie all over the wheel.
Why can't they be like every other pirate and use the poop deck for their business? That's what it's for.
12 March 2001 - DOG PIRATES
My dog crew and I finally engaged in our first act of real piracy yesterday. Unfortunately, it wasn't the sort of piracy you're thinking of; I merely taped a copy of the new Dido album for my uncle.
Yes, I know it's immoral, but if the captain of a pirate ship can't illegally copy the occasional album for his uncle, then what's the point of being a pirate at all?
I might as well just hang up my funny hat and eyepatch, and tie weights to my parrot and throw it overboard.