The Man With A Long Chin's Diary

 

Holmes-Style Detective

9/1/97-13/1/97

9 January 1997 - HOLMES-STYLE DETECTIVE

I'm fed up with all this regressive hypnosis, so I've decided to cure my psychotic disorder by getting a job. I have become a Sherlock Holmes style detective, complete with a half-wit sidekick called Jobson. Jobson gets a bit upset sometimes, because I keep calling him "Wotsit". Yesterday we were walking past a school when I made him point at it and ask what it was. I replied: "Elementary, my dear Wotsit". Unfortunately it was a grammar school, and Jobson didn't get the reference.


10 January 1997 - HOLMES-STYLE DETECTIVE

My companion Jobson and I have solved our first case. We were called to the home of Lady Bhangra-House, a wealthy socialist, whose cat had mysteriously vanished. We arrived, and I immediately made Jobson strip off, because he stank. Suffice to say, Lady Banghra-House was a trifle surprised to open her front door and see a naked Jobson waving at her. Despite her initial disgust, she seemed pleased when Jobson found the cat, which had drowned in the pond.


11 January 1997 - HOLMES-STYLE DETECTIVE

My companion Jobson and I were hired by the police to solve yet another baffling case last night. We were sent to the home of wealthy industrialist J. Peeeen, who claims his collection of antique wobblers has been stolen. The case was solved when Jobson revealed that he had stolen the wobblers three weeks ago as a joke! Luckily, the industrialist saw the funny side, but he wasn't laughing when I presented him with a bill - for four zillion million pounds!


12 January 1997 - HOLMES-STYLE DETECTIVE

Jobson and I were attacked last night by a lunatic who had hired us as bodyguards. We accompanied the lunatic to the cinema, where we protected him while he watched the motion picture Speed, starring Reeves and Bullock. Afterwards the lunatic chose to dine at the local Casey Jones Diner, in Euston Station. Shortly after this, the lunatic became agitated by Jobson's constant taunts, and attacked us. We immediately retaliated, and were forced to defend the lunatic from ourselves.


13 January 1997 - HOLMES-STYLE DETECTIVE

Jobson and I have been trying to solve the mystery of Jack the Ripper, and think we've had a break. I'd disguised myself as a lady in an effort to lure the Ripper out of hiding, and was wandering around Whitechapel offering clams and assorted seafood to any gentlemen I saw wearing a top hat and sinister cloak. Suddenly, Jobson leapt out of a tree and wrestled me to the ground, his eyes wide with murderous rage. It turns out that Jobson had been the Ripper all along!


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