The Man With A Long Chin's Diary


Koi Carp


9 May 2001 - KOI CARP

I've got a new hobby breeding koi carp, and then entering them in koi carp competitions. Currently, I have this many koi carp: one. His name is David Serrant, and he is three weeks old.

I keep David Serrant in a giant novelty brandy glass that I stole from a shoe repairers. It originally had an animatronic goblin in it.

Once I had removed and destroyed the goblin, cleaned out most of the glue and dirt, it made a perfect home for David Serrant. I hope he is happy.

10 May 2001 - KOI CARP

I really love my koi carp, David Serrant. Unfortunately, David Serrant is dead - dead from suffocation. You see, I spent too long cuddling him in bed last night and now he no longer lives.

But that's OK: I have eaten David Serrant and bought a new koi carp. His name is Garth Mueller. He is just four days old. He is 30 feet long.

I have made the decision not to cuddle Garth Mueller ever in bed. Instead, I shall keep him in his tank and stroke him with an electric cattle prod.

11 May 2001 - KOI CARP

My koi carp, Garth Mueller, has been killed in a freak electric-fire-thrown-into-a-pond accident. This is the saddest thing that has ever happened to me. However, it's all going to be OK, as I now have a new koi carp. His name is Ricardo Tot.

I keep Ricardo Tot in a reinforced iron tank, which I have beside my bed. I like to keep Ricardo Tot on his toes (so to speak!) by surprising him with sudden thrusts of my hand into his water. I can tell by the look on his face that he enjoys this very much. He really is an excellent beast!

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