6 June 2001 - POLITICS
I've got a new job standing for election in my local constituency.
I've been doing all sorts of things to encourage people to vote for me, including running and screaming along the high street in nothing but a see-through raincoat, getting drunk on street corners and throwing kebabs at passers-by, and skiing.
Many people ask me to outline my policies. But I always tell them the same thing: no. After all, I wouldn't want my opponents to steal any of my potentially vote-winning ideas.
7 June 2001 - POLITICS
Hello. All this week I've been campaigning for my political party. We stand to be elected on a policy of arrogance and sorrow. Here are the main points of our vote-winning manifesto:
- Artificial clouds (made out of cotton wool and tin foil) to be installed in all school halls.
- More horses.
- Fewer horses?
8 June 2001 - POLITICS
I'm sorry to say that my attempts to be elected to high office have fallen flat. I'm prepared to take at least 30% of the responsibility, on account of the fact that I physically attacked two of my rivals with a rake - live on GMTV.
I tried to explain away my actions by claiming I was being controlled by a giant space robot called FV-9.
Unfortunately, this failed to wash with either the GMTV presenters or the police constable who arrested me.