The Man With A Long Chin's Diary


Santa's Helper


16 December 1998 - SANTA'S HELPER

I've stopped harvesting human flesh, and now have a new job working in Santa Claus' toy workshop at the North Pole. Though Christmas hasn't even happened yet this year, we've already started planning for next year's Christmas.

On the agenda is which toy will be subject to panic - buying induced shortages in 1999. My vote goes to "Rubber Boy", a sort of rubber cat with a big spike coming out of his face, but Santa favours a new type of chocolate pig.

17 December 1998 - SANTA'S HELPER

There are real benefits to working for Santa Claus, but the man's a hard taskmaster who doesn't take kindly to slackers. Last night he called a couple of slackers into his office and beat them up.

Then later, he came out of his office and punched a couple of slackers in the ribs and attacked another slacker sitting in a chair with a candy cane. After this he made an announcement that he was going to "get" all the slackers in the toy workshop, and you know what? He did - he got them good.

18 December 1998 - SANTA'S HELPER

Santa Claus has instigated a few new rules for those of us who toil in his toy workshop. From midnight tonight, none of us are allowed to use the word "toy" when referring to "toys". We must now refer to them as "item 47".

Also, Santa has flooded the floor of the workshop, so that we're now all constructing toys while wading around in two feet of water. If we get any of the "item 47s" wet, a big buzzer goes off and Santa descends from the ceiling on wires and attacks the culprit with a Bible.

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