The Man With A Long Chin's Diary


Shellfish Factory


21 November 2000 - SHELLFISH FACTORY

I've got a new job working in a shellfish packaging plant. I was lucky to get the job; during the interview I misheard "shellfish" as "selfish", so you can imagine the confusion that arose.

My first day on the job was similarly confused; I got into trouble with my supervisor for mixing the molluscs. Apparently, I put a handful of winkles into one of the cockle jars, which resulted in the entire plant having to be shutdown for an hour. Also, I kept going to toilet in the shelling vats.

22 November 2000 - SHELLFISH FACTORY

It's a lot of fun working in a shellfish packaging plant, but I can't get the smell out of my skin. It wouldn't be so bad if my fellow workers didn't keep tossing me into the sealife vat for a laugh. I come out of there literally dripping with pulped mollusc.

It gets worse. Last night I was inside the drainage pipe, scrubbing it out, when my supervisor activated the flow. Next thing I know, I've been knocked to my knees by a jet of liquidised eel. By the end of my hour-long ordeal, my hair and clothes had been bleached white.

23 November 2000 - SHELLFISH FACTORY

I've had to leave my job at the shellfish packaging plant after I mistook a herd of tortoises for a new breed of giant mollusc. Suffice to say, my good-natured attempt to boil them up resulted in the shelling machinery becoming clogged, and catching alight.

My manager called me into his office, where he was in the middle of dinner with King Hussain of Jordan - a big shellfish fanatic. My manager fired me on the spot, but King Hussain insisted this wasn't enough, and attacked me with a lobster scoop.

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