22 August 1997 - STAR TREK
Being the captain of a big spaceship is excellent - I get first dibs on all the birds, as well as having exclusive access to the ship's supply of alcopops.
My first officer, Mr Swanny, and I beamed down to Planet X last night to get ourselves some porky scratchings, but they'd run out. We tried the off licence on Planet Alpha, but the bloke there told us that all his porky scratchings had been damaged by a flood. We had to eat croutons instead.